Think.Reason.Question.Pray

The End

2010-06-13T11:24:00.004-05:00

I've been debating what to do with this space. I've thought about consolidating all of my online activities into one or two sites. Unfortunately I'm not comfortable with officially linking these past two years of posts to my actual name. However, I don't want to delete what has been a very crucial part of my personal growth.

For now this site is going to be dormant. I started this blog to chronicle the conflicting emotions and thoughts of a confused Christian guy trying to reconcile being gay and being Christian. It's captured some of my highest highs and lowest lows. I started by casting off from the shore unsure of my destination. Now, over two years later I've arrived in a new land. At first the changes were terrifying, but I've come to realize the most important parts of who I am are the same and my fear (as it so often is) was unwarranted.

My sincere hope for this blog was that it could touch the lives of others who are going through (or have already passed through) the hell I went through. I was scared and alone and somewhat hopeless before finding this online community. I know many are still on a journey of self-discovery full of questions and fears with nobody they feel they can talk to. My hope is that this blog has been some help or at the very least a reminder you are not alone.

If you ever need anything, or want to catch up with me in real life, feel free to e-mail. I'm forever on the road so maybe we can grab some tea sometime (I don't like coffee).

Your friend,

JD (thinkrqp(AT)gmail.com)

Love.Life

2010-04-25T17:50:00.002-05:00

Old friends.Deep conversations. Broken hearts. Good laughs. Dancing. Drinking. Flirting. Getting a cute hipster guy's number. Madonna Glee. Whiskey sours. Too many whiskey sours. Pei Wei. Piano recitals. Poetry projects. Party planning. Alliteration. World domination. Diabetic cats. Bizarre Greek films. Mumblecore. Genocide awareness. Ice cream.

An amazing week.

Spring

2010-04-10T18:20:00.000-05:00

Spring came upon us overnight. Instantly everything was in bloom. It was more forceful and beautiful than years past. Pollen dusted every car, mailbox, and pet in the city. Thankfully a storm the other night washed it away. For the first time in maybe forever, I'm able to enjoy the beauty instead of curse it thanks to some amazing allergy shots.

Today I finally finished season 3 of Mad Men. It has been neglected on my DVR for far too long. It did not fail to disappoint. Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen a better television show. The writing and acting are phenomenal.

This week has been full of reminders of both life and death. In keeping with the Easter theme I'll even use the word resurrection. A relationship that I feared could be dying came back to life. Words I thought might never be said were said and for the first time in a long time things felt like they used to. It was one of the best conversations I've had all year.

At tutoring we're working on poetry. I'm practically having a workshop and it's tons of fun. Maybe I'll start posting a daily haiku.

When I close my eyes and think of the future I picture many different scenarios and wonder which will be the most fulfilling. The more I ponder the more I think I'm just going to have to give them all a shot!

I've not dropped off the face of the earth. I'm here, enjoying the opportunities I have been given. I wish you could all be here with me. Actually, I guess I could give some of you reading this a call. Let's do lunch or maybe a movie and some cocktails.

Happy Spring.

Dowd's Common Mistake

2010-04-07T21:55:00.004-05:00

This morning NYT commentator Maureen Dowd turned over the majority of her column to her brother Kevin, a devout Catholic, in order to get an insider's perspective on the newest sexual abuse scandals coming to light. Once again the Catholic Church is in hot water for covering up a host of "sins".
The full commentary can be found here and makes the point that the Catholic church needs to increase the priest pool and end the celibacy requirement. This idea has been around for quite sometime and is supported by a wide range of Catholic laypeople. The piece also highlighted the unfortunate consequences of so many legal battles and court settlements, which is the depletion of funds that should be supporting social programs. Below is a long excerpt that contains all of Kevin's commentary.

“In pedophilia, the church has unleashed upon itself a plague that threatens its very future, and yet it remains in a curious state of denial. The church I grew up in was black and white, no grays. That’s why my father, an Irish immigrant, liked it so much. The chaplain of the Police and Fire departments told me once ‘Your father was a fierce Catholic, very fierce.’

My brothers and I were sleepily at his side for the monthly 8 a.m. Holy Name Mass and the guarding of the Eucharist in the middle of the night during the 40-hour ritual at Easter. Once during a record snowstorm in 1958, we were marched single-file to church for Mass only to find out the priests next door couldn’t get out of the rectory.

The priest was always a revered figure, the embodiment of Christ changing water into wine. (Older parishioners took it literally.) The altar boys would drink the dregs.
When I was in the 7th grade, one of the new priests took four of us to the drive-in restaurant and suggested a game of ‘pink belly’ on the way back; we pulled up a boy’s shirt and slapped his belly until it was pink. When the new priest joined in, it seemed like more groping than slapping. But we thought it was inadvertent. And my parents never would have believed a priest did anything inappropriate anyway. A boy in my class told me much later that the same priest climbed into bed with him in 1958 at a rectory sleepover, but my friend threw him to the floor. The priest protested he was sleepwalking. Three days later, the archbishop sent the priest to a rehab place in New Mexico; he ended up as a Notre Dame professor.

Vatican II made me wince. The church declared casual Friday. All the once-rigid rules left to the whim of the flock. The Mass was said in English (rendering useless my carefully learned Latin prayers). Holy days of obligation were optional. There were laypeople on the heretofore sacred ground of the altar — performing the sacraments and worse, handling the Host. The powerful symbolism of the priest turning the Host into the body of Christ cracked like an egg.

In his book, ‘Goodbye! Good Men,’ author Michael Rose writes that the liberalized rules set up a takeover of seminaries by homosexuals.

Vatican II liberalized rules but left the most outdated one: celibacy. That vow was put in place originally because the church did not want heirs making claims on money and land. But it ended up shrinking the priest pool and producing the wrong kind of candidates -- drawing men confused about their sexuality who put our children in harm's way.

The church is dying from a thousand cuts. Its cover-up has cost a fortune and been a betrayal worthy of Judas. The money spent came from social programs, Catholic schools and the poor. This should be a sin that cries to heaven for vengeance. I asked a friend of mine recently what he would do if his child was molested after the church knew. ‘I would probably kill someone,’ he replied.

We must reassess. Married priests and laypeople giving the sacraments are not going to destroy the church. Based on what we have seen the last 10 years, they would be a bargain. It is time to go back to the disciplines that the church was founded on and remind our seminaries and universities what they are. (Georgetown University agreeing to cover religious symbols on stage to get President Obama to speak was not exactly fierce.)

The storm within the church strikes at what every Catholic fears most. We take our religion on faith. How can we maintain that faith when our leaders are unworthy of it?”

As you can see from the highlighted portion, this column makes a mistake that is made time and time again. It links homosexuality and pedophilia, implying that one is related to the other. Clearly the author had a childhood experience involving a priest and male child, so might make the assumption that the priest was attracted to men. However, pedophilia is a sexual preference to prepubescent children. It is not related to whether you are attracted to males or females. It's a completely different class. There is not a mature sexual attraction to other adults, therefore pedophiles are not what are classified as heterosexual or homosexual. The excerpt above states that "the liberalized rules set up a takeover of seminaries by homosexuals". So? This give the impression these homosexuals are the ones abusing children. However, homosexual clergy are not the ones abusing the children. Clergy that are pedophiles are abusing children. To make matters worse, a corrupt and shadowy system is working to cover up the abuse and pay-off victims across the globe.

While this seems like something easy to understand, articles like this (at the time of this post it's the #1 e-mailed article on the NYT homepage) perpetuate ignorance.

Update 1:

See post from BTB for info about the incorrect Vatican Council dates in the NYT article.

Anniversary

2010-03-27T22:27:00.002-05:00

This week marks 2 years since I began telling people I was gay. Honestly, it feels like so much longer, but my journal does not lie. This time two years ago I had moved from such a feeling of despair and anxiety to elation. Everything seemed new and different and I was beginning to love myself. As chronicled here, other unforeseen events unfolded which put a damper on my high spirits. In addition to my internal struggles I faced changes in my external circumstances. I began a full-time job, moved out of my college apartment, and became a full-time adult.

Time allows you to look back and rewrite history. Events that were trivial are sometimes blown out of proportion and things that seemed like the end of the world become silly. I refuse to look back and make statements about how and what I was feeling, because too much time has passed. Those feelings are best left to the entries of the past; snapshots in time capturing my ups and downs and hopes and fears. Looking back there are certainly things I wish I would have done differently and emotions I wish I could have avoided, but I made it through.

The thing I've learned the most over the past two years is how unbelievably powerful fear is. I'm not one to say that fear is bad or that "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." That's nonsense and I've been respectful of the importance of fear ever sense seeing this episode of Batman when I was 11* (only somewhat joking). The problem with fear is when you allow it too much space. Coupled with anxiety it can and will make your life a living hell. Daily I fight to keep fear in its rightful place (helping me make intelligent decisions) and have been rather successful. So many things I once feared such as being alone forever and never being happy have simply not happened. This gay thing has turned out to be rather manageable. It's my vices (over consumption #1) that cause me real trouble.

The other thing I've realized, but have been hesitant to admit, is how much my prior beliefs caused me to hate myself. I don't know if I've actually phrased it like that before. I used to say things like I "thought being gay was a sin" and that I "prayed and prayed for change" which are both very true. However, I think to protect myself and what religious convictions I was holding at the time, I shied away from stating that my beliefs were destroying me. Certainly an obsession with a wife and kids compounded the problem, but one of the primary drivers was my conviction that God could and would heal me and that I just needed to keep on fighting my "lust"**. Now that I've let go of that I'm much more whole. I'll try to elaborate this in a later post.

I hope wherever you are that spring has sprung. The weather is stunning here and I found myself enjoying lunch al fresco this afternoon. You should do the same!

*It's odd how certain things from your childhood can have a lasting impact. I recently used a quote from Captain Planet in a work email "the power is yours!". Also, I am certain my sense of humor was strongly shaped by the Wayside Series of books.

**I didn't think my attraction to guys was homosexuality. I preferred to call it a lust. That seemed much more manageable. Just a few prayers and a bit more worship music and it would all be taken care of.

Priorities

2010-03-21T22:21:00.002-05:00

I'm in the process of prioritizing things in my life. It's a big task, but needs to be done.

Currently, I'm in the midst of working on some things that will have implications for the next few years (where I live, what I do, etc.). You will of course be kept in the loop.

In case you missed it, check out the Tufts report on non-believing clergy. I found I could relate to several of the stories.

Life is good. My two year anniversary of coming out is in a couple of days. A post is in order!

Poor Cat

2010-03-03T22:05:00.002-06:00

I saw a cat get hit by a car on my way home tonight. There is nothing the car could have done as the cat darted right in front of it. It was a startling site and I put on my flashers and got out hoping I could do something. It's body was twitching and I hoped it was going to be okay. When I approached I saw a gruesome situation and knew it was too late. Slowly the last bit of life was gone from an animal who was probably playing with its owners an hour earlier. I wish I could have done something. At first I felt indifferent, then I felt sad. In one second a life
was extinguished. It made me think about human mortality. We're all hanging by a thread. Life is precious.

This was a major downer for an otherwise decent evening.

Goodnight

Social Butterfly

2010-02-28T07:59:00.002-06:00

Dear Internet,

This week has been terribly busy. Last Saturday I went to my first club. I had done everything in my power to get out of it, alas, I was unsuccessful. A friend was in town and wanted to go. I didn't have the heart to say no. Plus, I'm working on broadening my horizons this year. A key part of that includes doing things outside of my comfort zone. It is not a gay club, but we went on gay night. I obviously expected it to be a den of sin overrun with shady, disgusting people. However, I was being far too harsh. We met a bunch of friends down there and I had a good time. I even danced (awkwardly of course).

Sunday night we had some friends over for boardgames and Bomberman 64. It was an excellent time, but I ended up staying up too late. I was out late Wednesday and Thursday night too. Friday I went to bed at 3 a.m. Yesterday was also jam-packed but I went to bed at 8:30 to recover.

It's Sunday morning and there is much to do including a really cool estate sale and a trip to Express to stock up on boxers (it's the last day of their sale).

This post has a point, and it's that I'm busy. I know everyone says they're busy all the time, and of course we all are. I'll clarify. I've got many other thing vying for my attention and time and my priorities have shifted. While I love this blog, my idea for a high-quality, weekly post has not come to fruition. I'm still going to maintain this blog and I have lots of things to say and plenty of posts in development. I just won't be the prolific blogger I once was. Maybe this makes you happy or maybe it makes you sad. I'll see you around these parts later.

Your Friend,

J

UPular

2010-02-21T17:30:00.003-06:00

If a post showed up in your Google Reader about Sam Davis disregard it. It's still a work in progress. I don't have anything for my weekly post, so I'll just share this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2yt1ooLQGo

Enjoy.

Weakness

2010-02-14T10:04:00.001-06:00

Dear Internet People,

Lately I've been thinking about job interviews a lot. I don't anticipate a change of career anytime soon, but the thought came from a NYTimes series I read called Corner Office. One day I aspire to be a member of executive management for either a large multinational corporation, or a highly regarded non-profit. Maybe both. Anyhow, reading this series always makes me think about the interview process and that brilliant question "what is your greatest weakness?*" The answer I'm tempted to give is perfectionism, but I've really been managing that quite well over the years (I think the turning point was losing my 4.0 in college). Therefore, I need to have another one.

Friday I figured out what it was. I don't take criticism well. At work I got a review that I was not happy with and was livid. My wonderful day turned into me going on a tirade in about 5 minutes. This issue will be resolved Monday. At least I know my weakness now.

In other news...

I'm going to a Brandi Carlile concert this week and am super excited. I've also been listening to the new Vampire Weekend non-stop. Alas, their concert in Nashville was sold out. Maybe next time.

This weekend is rather demanding of my time, so I'm cutting my post short.

*If you are interviewing a candidate and want to make sure you don't receive a canned response, ask what are your 2 greatest weaknesses. Most people only have 1 that they've rehearsed.

Common Ground

2010-02-06T23:24:00.006-06:00

I recently had a very heated exchange with someone I consider I friend. It was related to sexuality and Christianity. I ended the conversation exceptionally frustrated and in a situation where I found myself unable to understand the motivations of the other person. It was an argument that led nowhere for either party. Ironically we both care deeply about each other and feel like the other is completely missing the point. At least, that's my interpretation of the events that transpired.

The conversation made me realize that I need to be more candid about my beliefs and core convictions, in person and online. Since I enjoy a moderate level of anonymity here, I'm going to start posting about my movement from Conservative Christianity towards agnosticism/atheism. This was something I've somewhat avoided talking about, but the time has come to share this part of my narrative.

As I've mentioned before, I'm hesitant to tell people of my lack of faith due to the fact they will assume it's because I'm gay. I (rightly or wrongly) feel people assume I changed my beliefs because I couldn't cope with being gay and I wanted to sin freely. I've mentioned this before (The Gay Thing) so I won't rehash.

The thing is, my coming out did act as a catalyst to the erosion of my former belief system, but it was certainly not the cause. The cause was that my beliefs could not be sustained. As I learned more, I HAD to change my beliefs.

I'm going to start with a basic example, the Gospels. While I had read the gospels in bits and pieces over the years, I never really read them all together. However, I ate up the fact they were eye witness accounts of the life of Jesus Christ. I believed they explained a virgin birth and a divine being and all the basic things a real, true Christian is supposed to believe. I was pretty much a biblical literalist and thought it had some kind of magical powers*. However, as I started reading gay-friendly theology (much of which I found weak), I did get turned onto some really great Christian authors that exposed me to a lot of truth about the Bible I didn't even know! It started with evangelicals like Tony Campolo (who I'm still a fan of**), Emergents like Brian McLaren, and academics like Peter Gomes. From this further reading of CHRISTIAN literature I realized how backwards I was in my thinking.

Now, I know backwards sounds harsh, but so I will defend my use of the term. Here in this world there are things that are true and there are things that are untrue. Of course, the universe is not black and white. Nevertheless, there are core convictions of biblical, literalist Christianity that can be proven false. Plus, you don't even have to look outside the bible! I assume 99% of you are already aware of this and can even chuckle a bit at those "poor literalists" who still believe everything they read (like a literal 7 day creation and dinosaurs on the ark). Tragically, I shared many beliefs with those people. But as I was challenged in my faith by counter-evidence I was able find peace by reading things as metaphor and finding passages that supported my new doctrines (such as pluralism).

In the long run these attempts to salvage a belief in a biblical god ultimately failed.

*At one point in my life I posted scripture on a bulletin board in my room in the hopes that "storing it in my heart" would strengthen my fight against gay thoughts.

**"50,000 people around the world died of hunger today. That's bad, but what's worse is that most of us don't give a damn. But what's even worse is that for many of us it is more bothersome that I just said the word 'damn' than that I said 50,000 children of God died of hunger." - Tony Campolo

Note: I'm pressed for time today so forgive any grammatical errors.

The Storm

2010-01-31T20:41:00.004-06:00

No, the title is not some metaphor regarding an emotional storm I'm going through. I mean an ICE STORM! This week I was traveling for work but we cut the trip short and hurried home as a substantial portion of the country was impacted by winter weather. Here we had a mini-ice storm that shut down the city for a good 24 hours. In rural areas the streets are still frozen. Where I live the roads were safe for driving yesterday, but parking lots were a bit hazardous. The trees were totally covered in ice and bowed under the weight. It was absolutely stunning. Sadly, today the sun started melting the trees. The beautiful frozen Narnia began to thaw and it sounded like it was raining as water poured off the trees. Why do those meddling Pevensie's have to mess things up?

Life is still quite busy between work and personal goals. I've got another exam for work that I'm trying to study for and am also still working out twice a week. Slowly I'm seeing results but the self-esteem and energy boost after working out are already in full effect. Additionally, I have a new haircut that I love so I'm feeling quite cute. Hahaha. I only say this because I have a tendency to be rather critical of my own appearance, so I appreciate the times I feel attractive. I do attempt to keep my self-criticism to a minimum as it's a trait I find extremely unappealing in others.

Life here is really great for me. I've got some more serious posts I'm working on, but as I've mentioned time has been at a premium lately...sort of. This weekend I carved out about 12 hours (maybe more) to beat WORLD OF GOO. If you do not have this game you need to stop reading this post and go buy it. It's so much fun! Google it.

This March I'm supposed to be running another 5K and I hope I'm still in shape. I'm going to start running again this week. Alas, I found out Friday that I'm going to be taking a very short trip (under 48 hours) to a location yet to be determined for work. I do enjoy the fact that I can travel at anytime with my job, but every now and then I do wish I had a bit more consistency in my schedule. Of course, if I was not traveling 30-40% of the year I'd be terribly bored at home even if it meant I would always be able to make my training schedule at the gym.

Friday night I had a deep conversation with my roommate and it brought up a lot of emotion that I'd kind of buried. Be expecting a blog about my feelings soon!

Finally, today I bought a MicroSD card reader for my computer. Sadly, in a series of very stupid mistakes on my part I managed to get a mini-cd stuck in my computer (iMacs do NOT like mini-cds - DUH!), download unnecessary software repeatedly, and waste 45 minutes only to discover the problem was that I did not plug the cord in all the way! GAH. I used to work at an IT Helpdesk, and here I am making rookie mistakes. Oh well.

I leave you with my favorite photo from the storm.

Round-up

2010-01-23T23:19:00.000-06:00

I find myself preoccupied by lots of things that keep me from blogging. None are too terribly exciting. One new "hobby" is watching Dr. Who (thanks Netflix). Growing up I used to watch the old series every now and again with my dad. I was quite late getting into the new one and I can't wait to catch up with Torchwood!

I'm headed out of town so I figure I'll post a round-up of things I've been meaning to share, but have not gotten around to until now:

Biblical Historicity is an interest of mine, especially after an online course I was taking peaked my interest. This is an interesting read about David and Solomon.
A good friend's sister posted this about yoga recently. It's absolutely worth a read, even if you don't know (or care) anything about yoga.
Surely you have all seen Avatar by now. I also assume you've seen these. They've been making the rounds around the internet and I find them quite amusing.
This Lily Allen song is one of my new favorites. I know it's not quite new.
If any guys out there are in need of a new haircut you should check out about.com. Really, it's still a great site for a lot of info!

There are a ton of other things I would like to share, but I'll do it at a later date. I'll post something more substantial next week. Scout's honor.

I almost forgot! I want a new bicycle. Come spring, it will be mine!

Inertia

2010-01-17T16:09:00.000-06:00

Before I begin I have a question. It seems that traffic has seen an upswing here and I'm not sure why. However, the real puzzle is where it's coming from! Here is a list of countries: Sweden, Malaysia, Spain, Singapore, Italy, Netherlands, Qatar, Lithuania, Singapore, France, Portugal, and more!

At first I was thinking someone might be using Tor or something, but does that really generate IP addresses around the globe? Most of these visits are 0 seconds. However, if anyone reading this is international (not you M or O), I would love if you left a comment explaining how you ended up here. Thanks!

Now for the main post.

In my job I try to understand how things work. I then compare the idea of how something works to the reality of how it's currently being executed. You would be quite surprised how large the gap between perception and reality can be.

The two most important questions I attempt to answer are "how" and "why" things work the way they work. As expected, people can almost always tell me how something works (when they can't it make my life miserable), but quite often the why can't be answered. Ideally a process operates the way it operates because it's the best method to achieve an established goal. The goal could be related to efficiency, safety, compliance, etc. Alas, when a company gets to a certain size, the rationale for business decisions is often unknown. At some point a decision was made, but over the years the reason for that decision was forgotten. Inertia has taken over.

We all remember from physics that inertia is the tendency of an object in motion to remain in motion, or an object at rest to remain at rest, unless acted upon by an outside force. In our daily lives we tend to think about this in relation to speeding cars or falling objects. However, the inertia impacting our daily habits is a far more influential force.

I've been "acted upon" by an outside force that has thrown me off my game. The devastation in Haiti has really depressed me. The overwhelming and senseless loss of life in insane. Honestly, I don't usual get that worked up over tragedy (9/11, Katrina, Indo Tsunami, none have hit me like this). Maybe it's related to the fact that this is the first tragedy without a god for me. Being a naturalist has been fine in theory, but witnessing the absolute devastation and indifference of the universe towards human suffering is jarring. Still, it can validly be argued a lot of the devastation was augmented by humanity (i.e., the 80% poverty rate that caused the earthquake to be so destructive). Clearly, Haiti offers a view into the worst of mankind and forces you (well, me at least) to wrestle with how I can be so indifferent on a daily basis.

I know I harp on this a lot. I certainly talk about human suffering a lot more than I take action to alleviate it. I get so wrapped up in my life (finding love, television, eating, sleeping, sex, work, money, etc.) that I don't see a bigger picture. It's incredible that in a world so interconnected we can also be so disconnected.

A couple of weeks ago I thought I had my next 5 years set in stone. I was going to save X amount of dollars, apply to certain schools, move, get a Master's degree, get a new job, and...live happily ever after? Now I'm not so sure about my plans. I'm going to take a step back and fight against the inertia that so easily drives along my life.

Though tragedy is an eternal part of the human narrative, so are grace, beauty, redemption, and salvation*. It's time to rewrite this tragedy.

*Paraphrased from a sermon I heard this morning.

The Substitute

2010-01-10T10:06:00.002-06:00

As a kid walking into class to find your teacher gone is almost always an awesome experience. It's not that the teacher is bad or that you wish him or her harm. Instead, what gives you an excited feeling is the knowledge a substitute means an easy day: movies, games, free-time, etc.

This particular day with the substitute was pleasant, though not the fun-fest I had expected. My real teacher had apparently left rather detailed instructions to keep us occupied and the substitute was dutifully adhering to them. One of these instructions was to collect an assignment we had completed earlier. As she came around to each group of desks (we were clustered together in "tables") I found my paper and handed it over. Upon taking it she handed it back reminding me to put my name on top. At this suggestion another group member shouted "No! We have a rule. The teacher says if you don't put your name on a paper you get a 0". Other group members joined in to confirm this statement.

I was horrified. No such rule existed and I didn't know what to do. I was overwhelmed by the scene unfolding in front of me, my classmates lying to amuse themselves and make me miserable. I don't remember what happened immediately after. I know I did not end up with a 0. I'm also fairly certain I didn't break down in tears (though I'm certain I wanted to). Grades were an obsession as was doing things correctly. I was an obscenely nerdy child, not completely socially awkward, but enough to struggle with relating to my peer group. Situations like this obviously never helped.

This was merely a joke for my classmates, but to me it was devastating. I did not have the self-confidence or sense of humor I have today, but how many self-assured 4th graders do you know?

The moral of the story? Sometimes kids can be punks.

Turn Around

2010-01-03T21:35:00.000-06:00

I spend more than I make.

I have one resolution this year. All of my willpower will be concentrated into changing my current habits. If I do not, the only thing my future holds is financial ruin. I am not being melodramatic. Things must change.

I'm writing this in the midst of a project to clean out my room. I've been working on it over the course of the past few months and thought I was pretty much done. However, something is different tonight. Instead of rearranging the items in my room and tossing out a few things here and there, I'm actually going through the drawers, boxes, and containers that hold my possessions. I have discovered they contain a whole lot of crap. I never want this to happen again.

I've established a 12/2010 goal to be debt free and have a specific amount of money in my long-term savings account. It's ambitious but attainable.

2010 will also hold some changes for this blog. I'm going to post at least once a week and plan on working to improve the quality of my posts. Since I've worked through the "gay thing" for the most part, it's time for a new direction. I've got an idea or two for a couple of series and want to talk about religion and atheism more than I have before.

Let's make this the best year ever. Cheers.

Driving

2009-12-18T21:39:00.003-06:00

As I cross the state line I find myself on a street I've never driven before. It's pitch back and due to the late hour the traffic is light. I make my way in the direction I feel will take me home, looking for the interstate. To my right stretching for what seems like miles is a vast and eerie field of railway cars dotted with brilliantly lit cranes that in busier times are loading trucks. It's a modern marvel - an island dedicated to moving goods. As I continue forward increasingly fearful I'm headed in the wrong direction, the surroundings become more residential. Passing through intersections with street names I see in the paper associated with murders and robberies I move to lock my doors. The mechanical "click" adds some measure of security as the journey continues. The streetlights are few and far between; however, lights from gas stations and fried chicken joints increase my visibility. The neighborhoods off the main street are dark and neglected. You can almost feel the poverty and hopelessness in the air. The streets are not beautiful and nothing about the surroundings feels homey.

My anxiety subsides as the interstate becomes visible in the distance. I head east, towards my suburb. From the interstate I can see a nice hotel standing proudly. I'm glad it's still open, but saddened by the knowledge the surrounding area is severely blighted. Less than 15 minutes later my exit appears and I head up one of the cities main corridors. It's a part of town that has miraculously survived "white flight" and continues to thrive. A few minutes later I leave the city limits and enter my suburb. It's safe and quiet and I'm oddly relieved at the sight of a cop with flashing lights writing a speeding ticket. Meandering through the wide streets decorated for Christmas, past the boutique stores and library my street appears. I pull into my house which seems a world apart from the desolate place I saw 30 minutes earlier.

My city is poor. So many people are broken and hopeless and have no inkling of a greater world of opportunity existing. They are trapped in a cycle of poverty and lack the educational and financial resources to escape. To make matters worse, the opportunities for unskilled labor with decent pay are slim. Entire communities continue to struggle if not collapse. It's tragic.

I was born lucky. I must never take it for granted.

Winter

2009-12-06T10:34:00.003-06:00

Well, it's been a crazy past few weeks. I've got a few stories to share, but for now I'll give an update of the happenings here.

I headed to Colorado at the end of October to visit my aunt. It was absolutely beautiful. I found a lovely duplex in Aspen for $4 million. I'm still debating. It might be a bit out of my price range. My mom came with me and we had a fun time traveling around seeing the sights. I hope to get back that way in the near future.

November saw me fail at NaNoWriMo, but it was expected. I don't have a story that needs to be written yet, but maybe one day. I've got some ideas rattling around.

November also included a visit from my old roommate. I chauffeured him around the city and we had fun reuniting with old friends.

I've officially hired a personal trainer but our schedule has been complicated with the holidays and my travel. However, I'm meeting with her for three months initially. One of my primary goals for 2010 is getting fit. Ideally I'll have a shirtless profile pic on Facebook by May. Just kidding.

Last night I co-hosted the biggest party in my entertaining career. It was a success! We had a great crowd and mingled 3 groups of friends. The food and beer selection was superb and a good time was had by all (at least that's what I've been told). It was a big effort as neither my cohost or myself had any Christmas decorations. Therefore we had to start from scratch! Our tree looks great though. The LED lights are bright!

This week I'm off to NYC for vacation! It's my first time and I plan on being as touristy as humanly possible. Heck yes! I've "budgeted" a decent amount of money for shopping. I guess I'll complete my winter wardrobe update while I'm there. New coat anyone?

Finally, I was able to successfully obtain tickets to Lady Gaga! I'll be headed down to New Orleans at the end of December. It's okay to be jealous.

I know this post is relatively shallow, but I'll post some of my better anecdotes and observations later. For now I'm off to get some work done (on a weekend, blasphemy!). I hope all has been well with you.

Vacation

2009-10-21T18:43:00.001-05:00

I'm headed out West for the weekend. When I return I've got a trip for work. By the time I get back it will the end of October. Like last year I'm taking November off from blogging to participate in NANOWRIMO. This year I hope to actually finish!

Catch you in December.

Apologies

2009-10-16T22:05:00.000-05:00

Whenever we have dinner as a family, my mother has a horrible habit of apologizing for something in the meal she perceives as inadequate. "Sorry the green beans got cold so quickly", "Sorry the chicken is salty", "Sorry the rolls got a little burnt". It's a source of constant frustration for me (and my grandparents when they come to visit). She has NOTHING to apologize for. What she cooks is almost always tasty. Still, she can't help but criticize herself and it's so irritating.

Alarmingly, I found myself doing the exact same thing when I cooked dinner for my best friend not too long ago. I was overly apologetic over how quickly the noodles cooked and how the green beans did not turn out how I anticipated (I was trying to make Chinese restaurant style green beans). He told me not to apologize and said it was good, but I still didn't believe him.

In many things I'm hypercritical of myself. I beat myself up over things that happened a long, long time ago. Nearly all are petty and I'm quite certain that nobody even remembers half the things that "haunt" me. I don't know if it's guilt or shame or what.

I was going to try to connect this to some universal theme, but I'm at a loss. I guess I can say "old habits die hard" or something. I just don't know.

I will say it made me think about how many of our habits we inherit from our family. For example, growing up we were allowed to have 3 cereals open at a time. 1 of 3 was always Rice Krispies or some other cereal my mother enjoyed. The other two were generally something that my brother or I liked. Usually I would have one box of cereal open at a time. I would consume it, then move onto another box. When I moved into my first apartment I was taken aback by the fact that my roommate had 2, 3, or even 4 boxes of cereal open at one time. It was obscene! It was against the rules of my childhood! I ended up tossing several boxes he left in the cabinet for long periods of time (apparently he lost interest in them). When I questioned him about his bizarre practice of having more than one box of cereal open at a time he explained that he likes variety and doesn't want to eat the same cereal for breakfast everyday. While this is a valid response, I still dislike the practice of having more than one box open. The tradition of my youth persists.

I have no decent conclusion for this post. Enjoy nevertheless.

5K

2009-10-16T21:33:00.001-05:00

I finally did it! I ran it in 29:53. My goal was 30:00. It's not a record setting time, but was great for my first race ever! I'm hopping on the fitness bandwagon. It's time to start going to the gym!

China Scam

2009-10-09T21:36:00.002-05:00

So, I don't know how I stumbled across this site, but this post made my day.

If you have a few minutes check it out. I know it's long but it's entertaining. While the subject does not seem to be something that would "make my day" it totally did. The reason is that I was scammed in Beijing a few years ago! Luckily I only lost 50 bucks. It was at an overpriced tea shop where I was talking to two "teachers". I've been so ashamed of this story I've only told one person! However, after seeing this I feel so much better. They lost a heck of a lot more. I'm definitely glad I lied and told the ladies scamming me I didn't have a credit card or it looks like things would have been much worse. Also, I was in the exact same part of town. I'm almost certain I know what bookstore they referenced too. I was approached by a ton of "art students" both in Shanghai and Beijing, but turned them all down. It was the "teachers" from "Mongolia" that ended up getting me. Haha.

Boyfriend Weather

2009-10-05T19:38:00.003-05:00

I'll start off with a few random tidbits.

I have had a friend suggestion on my Facebook homepage for several months and just found out that the guy passed away. It was quite the shocker. Facebook still wants me to add him as a friend. I've actually spent a lot of time thinking about how my digital presence will be managed once I die. Hopefully I won't have to worry about that for awhile.

Being a grown-up now has brought about a lot of changes. One struck me as I was driving past Toys R Us on Saturday. I remembered how awesome that store was when I was a kid. It was my favorite. I would beg to go there with my parents. Now my favorite store is Costco. I get super excited about buying giant bags of Cape Cod Chips and 36 count packages of toilet paper. What has happened to me?

A pet peeve that has come with being an adult is dry cleaning. It's such an inconvenience. Plus, it never fails that I'm wearing a pair of pants I want to get cleaned whenever I go to pick up what I had dropped off earlier.

The weather has changed here and it's beyond amazing. I'm running a 5K next week and can't wait. I'm also finally beginning Phase 2 of my plan to get in shape.

The weather can overall mood makes me want to date. It's just seems romantic all of a sudden. We could go explore the farmer's market, check out the Rachmaninoff concerto, or see David Sedaris speak when he comes to town. I have a rather large list of places and things I would like to do as part of a couple and I hope to one day start using them. In the meantime, I still do all these things, but just with friends.

Until next time.

Busy Bee

2009-10-01T21:55:00.003-05:00

I've finally got LOTS of things I want to write about, but sadly I'm unusually busy lately. So, I'll leave you with a quote I came across today. One of the kids at tutoring had to journal about it.

"Each of us has the right and the responsibility to assess the road which lie ahead and those over which we have traveled, and if the feature road looms ominous or unpromising, and the road back uninviting-inviting, then we need to gather our resolve and carrying only the necessary baggage, step off that road into another direction. If the new choice is also unpalatable, without embarrassment, we must be ready to change that one as well."

-- Maya Angelou

Better

2009-09-26T14:34:00.002-05:00

I am almost entirely recovered! I was actually feeling better last Sunday, but had a persistent cough this week. It seems to be fading, which means I start running again this Monday! I've been out of an exercise routine for almost a month, so I hope I can still make 3 miles. We will see. The race I was supposed to run last week did not happen. However, I've signed up for a 5K next month. I'm hoping to finish in a respectable time. I don't want to embarrass myself.

Family (my grandparents) are in town. They came over to see my place today. Nothing motivates you to clean like guests!

Now it's Saturday afternoon and I am totally at a loss for what to do. I've been rather stressed on the weekends, but now I've caught up on all of my chores and errands. I think it's time to make a new "to do" list!

Well, I just wanted to say hello and let you know I'm still alive.

Something substantial will be coming soon (I hope).

Illness

2009-09-18T16:26:00.002-05:00

I've been traveling for the past 3 weeks. The day I returned I was not feeling well. Things went from bad to worse and now I'm in self-imposed quarantine. I had all the symptoms of the flu, but my recovery seems to be too quick for it to be the flu. I don't know what I have, but I do know I'm ready to be back to 100%.

My sick days have given me a chance to declutter the DVR. I have a tendency to let shows stockpile. Many I just end up deleting without watching.

This post is without any real direction. My head is fuzzy.

I currently have no food. A friend had to bring me a loaf of bread. I'm out of peanut butter for Pete's sake!

The rest of the weekend will be spent resting, cleaning, and restocking my bare cabinets.

Don't forget to watch NPH hosting the Emmy's. He's awesome!

Money

2009-09-06T07:15:00.000-05:00

First off, I've made what I hope is the last change to my username. I've evolved from "otrolado" to "freelancer" to "thinkrqp". The goal was to allow you to contact me by e-mail. While this blog is not really that anonymous, I'm not really comfortable giving out my primary e-mail address.

---

Money. It's often said it's the root of all evil. This is an inaccurate quote from 1 Timothy (it's really the love of money), but we all get the gist.

There have been two primary "battles" in my life. The biggest (and the one with the greatest psychological impact) was related to my attraction to guys. That's been the primary theme of the blog and how most you of stumbled across it.

The theme for today is something almost equally taboo.

I have been very fortunate to have a mother (and father) who are very candid about money. For better or for worse, I know the complete financial situation of my parents. No subject is off limits, from what my parent's make, to their 401K balance, mortgage, medical bills, etc. Shockingly, a very large number of my friends (people in their 20's) don't even know what their parents make. For that matter, they are terribly uninformed when it comes to what they should do with money or how much it takes to survive.

Now, I will say that I have a vast understanding of what I should do when it comes to money. The problem is that until this summer I have not really been doing it. I've been a prodigal son.

I do balance my checkbook and contribute an adequate amount to my 401K, but that is the extent of my good behavior.

I like things. Shiny things. I like eating out. I really, really like to travel. I'm not satisfied with a trip to Branson. I want Budapest. It would be easy for me to take a cop out answer and say that my trips abroad were the cause of my over spending. But that's disingenuous. The truth of the matter is that I continuously buy things I don't need with money I don't have. My debt is a direct result of living beyond my means. I have consistently (on a nearly daily basis) made poor decisions about how to spend money. Buyer's remorse is nearly non-existent in my life (with the notable exception of a Rosetta Stone software package I bought at a mall in Seattle). Since getting my first credit card my freshman year of college, I have spent $28,000. I am quite certain I have spent equal that amount on my debit card.

For the past 6 years I've had serious cash flow issues. This leads me to use my cards more than I should. That has finally changed. I will have no more credit card debt in 4 more weeks (well, there might be $300 that lags behind) and will finally, FINALLY, get a paycheck and NOT have to transfer it to American Express or Visa.

My new financial goals include building an 8-month savings, knocking out the rest of my student loans and putting a couple hundred dollars into my stock account (that currently has a value of $250).

I told myself I would be debt free in last December, then March, then June, etc. Finally, I decided enough was enough. Slowly but surely I've come out from under this trap. It's not been easy. I've fought a lot of temptation when it comes to cute jackets from Banana Republic and new clothes for work. I've had to set limits and stick with them. If I can I change my behavior permanently I will be in great shape. I just have to take it a day at a time.

Snippets

2009-08-23T09:02:00.002-05:00

I assure you my next post will be something substantial about things weighing on my mind. But hey, it's summertime. It's nearly impossible to be morose. It's ice cream season for Pete's sake!

In that spirit I will share a few of the random thoughts/things happening in my life:

Yesterday my brother asked if I was going to adopt in the future. He wants nieces and nephews. Haha. I said yes (because I am).

The weather in Memphis has been unreal this weekend. The rest of the week is looking good too. It's August and usually unbearable. This year has been different! It's as if nature is conspiring to convince me to stay here another year. "Hey, it's not that bad, in fact, it's really kind of beautiful...stay awhile longer".

I tapped into my inner nerd and installed Dos Box on my Mac. Now I can play one of my all-time favorite computer games again!

I'm continuing to aggressively pay off my credit card bills. More on that in my next post!

Running is going well, despite shin splits! I will persevere and run my first race next month. This four-miler is mine! Haha.

I'm not feeling as fit as I would have hoped, despite my running and attempts to change my diet. I really need to cut back on my ice cream and cookie consumption. I don't think you all can really grasp the amount of "treats" I eat. Let's just say that this week I had a Frosty and Oreo Shake from Baskin Robbins in the same day.

The lesson that you should not be too quick to judge people was learned again this week by me. I feel a bit sheepish, but hey, that's what you get sometimes.

My family may or may not have watched a cheesy Disney movie starring a tween superstar last night. We also may or not have all enjoyed it a bit too much.

Life is good. Really. I find the fact that I'm so cheery prevents me from posting my long, "teen-angst" filled posts. Hahaha.

Updates

2009-08-18T20:33:00.002-05:00

5 consecutive bad hair days = extra self-conscious

Finally having a good hair day = feeling good, but a little shallow for obsessing so much

Running 3 miles, 3 days a week = awesome

Having my credit cards paid off in six more weeks = ridiculously awesome

Overthinking things = the new norm in my life

Vacation

2009-08-08T20:10:00.004-05:00

I'm tired, physically and mentally.

I hereby declare myself on vacation from this blog for awhile.

5 Year Plan

2009-08-03T20:08:00.004-05:00

It's that time of year again. I've got to write my short and long term goals for my career. This always gets me thinking about the future and what I want from my personal and professional life. Funny, I like how we separate "personal" from "professional" but in many ways they overlap. I'm not sure they can easily be untangled from one another.

What are my goals? I've always got a list lying around: exercise, cook more, eat healthier, build my savings account, write more, read more, travel, it goes on and on. Now I have to think more about the big picture. I try to think about what things I will look back on and regret in my old age. So, I power up my imagination and picture myself in my 70's, sitting in bed, composing a list of shoulda, woulda, coulda's.

Here's what the future me could possibly regret:

Not taking a chance in relationships
Not spending quality time with family and friends
Not seeing the world
Not achieving my educational goals
Not having a hot body while I was younger (okay, maybe that's a bit of stretch)

Using this exercise I shape my current goals. I want to be better at what I do. I want to get promoted. I want keep getting in shape. I want to love. I want to go to a kick ass school somewhere exciting.

Let's see how it goes.

Error

2009-08-01T10:16:00.003-05:00

I guess "On Faith" had a technical glitch:

Downfall

2009-07-23T21:49:00.003-05:00

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but my home state had legislation in the works aimed at banning gay adoption. Thankfully the budget crisis has practically killed it. The guy that sponsored it was a well-off Republican who goes to a conservative Christian church in Memphis. His argument was the usual "traditional families are the best environment". Well, now he's in some trouble.

He took sexually explicit photos with his legislative intern. While I don't think this story will make national headlines, it's definitely hitting the airwaves here. He is just one more in a series of righteous lawmakers (who more often then not rail against homosexuality) caught in a sex scandal.

One has to wonder, WTF?

It's very hard for me to understand this. There is a part of me that can understand when closeted gay guys rail against homosexuality. It's a "house divided" scenario. I think these guys think their "sins" may be absolved if they take a public stand. Of course, this usually ends in disaster.

The case of Mr. Stanley is quite different. He is not a closeted gay man. He is a "family values" man who appeared to be motivated by his religious faith (I know from personal experience that the views of his church are extremely anti-gay). How is he off having trysts with interns?

I don't know if I can feel bad for the guy, especially since this was entirely his fault. I doubt very much he was seduced by a 22 year old. Still, he has a family and may lose everything. His other job was already lost when the company he worked for was involved in a Ponzi scheme. Mr. Stanley's downfall is just another blow to the GOP that's in desperate need of a turnaround.

Lovely Days

2009-07-21T20:39:00.002-05:00

As I've mentioned before, I have a tendency to think somber moods are the most important moods, and since I've been rather lighthearted lately I've not been able to delve into the deep subjects I would like to (at least that's what I tell myself). I'm working on a few drafts, but they require patience and scholarship and work.

In the meantime, I feel like chatting about a few things that have been bringing me joy lately.

Today at work I had a very interesting training session that involved traveling around the city seeing a lot of things I haven't seen before. Now, I've been DREADING this ever since I found out it was scheduled for July because I live in the South. It is hot here in July. I mean HOT (and humid). Being outside is absolutely miserable for me. However, we have had some completely freak weather and the high was 76 today. It was beyond glorious. Of course, it was overcast and stormy, but that only adds to the beauty in my opinion. Today also reminded me what an interesting job I have. I will definitely miss it when I (eventually) leave.

Non-weather things bringing me joy include the following:

Cookie Cake
"Wonderful" from Wicked
Predictably Irrational
Flight of the Conchords (I swear I almost died of laughter from the episode where the Prime Minister visits)

I'll leave you with a quote from "Wonderful": "There are precious few at ease with moral ambiguities, so we act as though they don't exist". So true. Please forgive the overt gayness of quoting a musical.

Music

2009-07-17T20:29:00.003-05:00

Since I can't seem to gather together my thoughts for a post, I thought I would share this:

It's my iTunes Top 25.

Note: Poker Face was number 27

The Gay Thing

2009-07-12T21:13:00.000-05:00

It's only been recently that I've truly accepted that a wife and kids are not a requirement for me to be happy and fulfilled. It's a realization that I should have made earlier, but I didn't. I've had years of wanting it so badly and giving up that desire was no small task. It's been a long road.

In the weeks immediately following my acceptance of being gay I was flooded with relief. I had been edging towards insanity as the dissonance within me grew. It almost instantly dissipated. I was free from the terrible burden that had for too long impaired my emotional and intellectual growth.

God and I were closer than ever. I had seen signs of his approval of me coming out, but was still waiting for an "all clear" to date. In the meantime I was deep in thought and reading all I could from Orthodox to liberal Christian literature about being gay and Christian. I was learning so much. This reading made me realize how uninformed I was about my beliefs. It had started sometime before when I read Stephen Prothero's book, but the desire to fill my gaps in knowledge was accelerated as I began devouring theology.

As chronicled over this blog, I moved towards, and currently reside, in the land of agnosticism. I really did not expect to end up here, but I'm coping. I never expected I would be unable to overcome my attraction to guys either, but hey, we win some and we lose some.

As always, I'm working day by day to be grateful for all the things I currently have, instead of incessantly pining for more. I'm mulling over my future while working to be a force for good in the universe. There are few things worse than being paralyzed by indecision and living a life of inaction and ineffectiveness.

Now that I'm off the roller coaster of emotion tied to coming out and losing my faith, life is a bit different. There are no more "coming out" conversations to have. The only people who should know but don't are my Dad's parents. They will not know. At least not anytime soon. Coworkers will find out in due time (many suspect) but there is no need to have the awkward "I have something to tell you..." conversation. It's not a big deal (another thing I never really imagined I would say).

As for faith, I sometimes miss church community. I've actually still been going occasionally. Also, I remain engaged in study of the bible and religion. It's something I'm passionate about. Maybe I will find a home with a local Unitarian congregation.

As I strive to be honest, I will not say that I don't still think about dating a girl. I've still not had an attraction, but the thought still lingers. However, I'm not going to. I've just finally mended my relationships with the girls I hurt in college and there is no reason to create more pain. Plus, there are cute guys I hope to ask out!

The most difficult thing about being gay for me is the perception people will have once they find out. It's even more upsetting now that I'm firmly agnostic. I can't help but think people (especially my conservative Christian friends) will make an immediate judgement that my sin has destroyed my faith. Of course, that's nonsense. I was on fire spiritually after coming out. I felt closer to God and felt I truly understood grace as a direct result of admitting I was attracted to guys. It was only due to my obsessive desire to learn more that the questioning of my faith began. I read and read and read (and am still reading) which led me to discover that all the immutable truths I held so dear were not so true. As I've documented, the discovery was painful and stressful and severely affected my overall mental health.

I'm finally emerging from all of this. Taking things a day at a time. Learning not to be so serious.

As I've matured, so has this blog. Moving forward I'm going to make a conscious effort to improve. I want to write stuff a bit more meaningful. I'll still share my narrative, but hopefully in a way that is useful.

I know a lot of people that read this are conservative Christians: some celibate gay guys, some struggling with their SSA, and others who are in committed relationships. I hope you keep reading even though we don't share as much common ground as before. Thanks for being with me thusfar.

Away We Go

2009-07-06T22:37:00.002-05:00

I saw Away We Go tonight. If you have not seen it, you should.

Dreams

2009-07-04T13:23:00.002-05:00

The past two nights I've had disturbing dreams. In the first I was angry because I had to be somewhere at a specific time and was late. However, nobody else I was with seemed to care. I shouted and shouted but nobody was reacting. I was so angry. I think I woke up angry. It was very odd.

The same thing happened last night. However, this dream was much more violent. I had been shot in the arm by a family member who was not at all concerned because he deemed it God's will. He was so firm in his religious conviction that it did not bother him that he physically harmed me. In this dream I was much angrier than in the prior night's. I wonder if my blood pressure increased while I was asleep. It was alarming to say the least. I generally don't have quite so vivid dreams (at least I don't remember them).

I've nearly finished the His Dark Materials series. The first two books were my favorites. I'm finding myself having trouble making it through the third. Still, I would recommend them.

Enjoy your holiday weekend (for those of you in the States).

Weekend!

2009-07-02T14:33:00.001-05:00

My soul is lifted, my burden light.

It's a 3 DAY WEEKEND!

Woot woot!

Foundations

2009-06-29T22:01:00.002-05:00

The title of this post reminds me of an excellent Kate Nash song.

As I've pretty thoroughly documented, my views about the universe have drastically altered. This is no an understatement. It's as if my life is a house. I undertook a renovation, building on the foundation and expanding a few things, only to make the horrifying (and costly) discovery that the foundation was bad. The whole house had to come down and a new one built in its place. I'm still under construction and will be for quite some time.

I'm desperately behind on reading (as is always the case), but hope to catch up soon. I'm keeping one whole day wide open this 3 day weekend. It's going to be quite lovely.

Since it's the middle of the year it's time to set my goals for the remainder of 2009.

Personal Goals:
Read More
Cook More
Bake More

Fitness Goals:
Run a 4-miler (or 5K)
Continue exercising 3 times a week
Eat less meat

Financial Goals:
Save 10% of my income
Eliminate the remainder of my debt (CC and Student Loans)

Travel Goals:
Houston
Grand Junction
Nashville
Montreal
Chicago
New York City

Happenings

2009-06-27T19:14:00.002-05:00

I'm tired. My stomach hurts. I'm glad I can make this blog a place for thought provoking analysis of happenings in the universe. Ha.

I am in introvert cleverly disguised as an extrovert (according to a very eerie personality test I took). While I love interacting with people, I very much need personal time. I've got to recharge the batteries to be the bubbly, happy person I am in most of my interactions with humanity. Those two adjectives were used this week to describe me, hence their appearance in this blog.

After coming home from 2 weeks out I always find there is a huge amount of errands and other administrative tasks needing to be attended to. On top of that, work was extraordinarily busy with the wrapping up of a project, exam for a professional certification, and an abundant amount of activities for a charity event. Additionally, I've had a ton of family and friend happenings for which my attendance has been requested/mandated. While I'm quite fortunate to have a full social calendar, I'm tired. Last night I stayed out until 2 a.m. at a disco. Ha! Words cannot adequately describe how out of character this is for me. What's even crazier is how much fun I had! It's the first time I've gone to a bar and not thought everyone there was a sad, broken human being. This was a festive atmosphere where the aim was to have fun and interact (and dance), not get drunk and forget what happened. It was new, refreshing, and something I am definitely game for again.

Summer has struck with a vengeance. I loathe it. It's the worst it's been in a long time (at least that's how it seems) and I check the weather map daily to plot where I should be living. New England, San Francisco, and the Pacific Northwest are the top contenders. I recently uploaded photos to Flickr and thought I had shared the link here. However, it appears I have not. So, for your viewing pleasure check these out: http://www.flickr.com/photos/freelancer30

The link above contains photos from my recent trip. They are all horribly out of order, so please forgive me. Of course, you don't know their out of order, so I should have kept quiet.

In other news, running has been going well. If all goes right (and I stay focused) I'm going to run a 5K and then begin preparation for a half-marathon. Woot woot!

Dearest blog reader, I hope your life is well.

Failsafe

2009-06-20T15:49:00.004-05:00

I was having a conversation with a close friend today. We'd just heard about the Dustin Lance Black incident and were curious about the photos. I'm terribly ashamed to say that I went to Perez Hilton's site. Gross, right?

Anyhow, the pictures are not out there. I imagine they've all been taken down and the ones I saw in blogs had been censored. After one attempt to find them I stopped. It was wrong. It was terrible of me to have any interest in them in the first place. Invading someone's privacy to satiate my morbid curiosity is despicable. It's morally wrong. I reached this conclusion with a quick Golden Rule check. If photos of me having sex with my boyfriend had been leaked online, would I want someone looking at them? Hell no.

So, as I continued talking to my friend (via messenger) I noticed he was distracted. I asked if he was still looking for the photos and he said yes. I exploded. I whipped out the soapbox, stood on my moral high ground, and told him off. I was honestly shocked that he was still looking for them. Also, I am certain he will persist in searching for them despite my whole Golden Rule explanation (I quoted Jesus and Rabbi Hillel for Pete's sake!). The fact is, he does not think it's that big a deal. He will rationalize it away as something not that bad because he's not hurting anyone, everyone has already seen them, he's curious, etc.

Now, lest you think I'm blasting my friend I must get to my point. Being the obnoxious, introspective person I am, I examined my own heart. What excuses do I make to rationalize things away? The answer is plenty.

I am in debt. Debt I should not be in. I understand it is bad. I live beyond my means. Everytime I talk about my debt I'm quick to say "it's not that much" or "it's school debt" or "I'm in better financial shape than most of my friends", "my job is secure", "I only graduated a year ago", on and on.

Bullshit. All of it. These are excuses I use to make myself feel better. If I was to honestly confront this debt I would see it was bad and needs to be eliminated. But, being human, my brain rationalizes it away to minimize cognitive dissonance. It keeps me from going insane (which I do appreciate). However, sometimes this natural "failsafe" needs to be overridden so that I can do the right thing.

I do the same kind of rationalization with numerous other things (like exercising, volunteering, eating meat). I take the easy way out more often than not.

What must we do to override the "failsafe" in order to truly do the moral (or in some cases just better) thing?

Restart

2009-06-13T19:45:00.001-05:00

I've very been thinking about starting over. Beginning preparations to leave the south. I've called this place home for over a decade, and it's time to go elsewhere. Somewhere where the weather suits my soul.

Whenever I think about moving, fear creeps in. What will I do about money? Well, I intend to be enrolled in graduate school or working for another company in the field I'm currently in. Money is not my biggest concern. Ideally I'll have a few months worth of expenses saved up (I'm not one to make overly rash decisions). The next question is where? I'm thinking New England, Scotland, or out West. I think my big trip for next year will be Scotland. That's where I'm leaning towards journeying right now. I then question why? Am I just wanting to run away? Is this some attempt to find peace and happiness in my surroundings? Well, not really. I've nothing horrible to run from here. I'm in a rather pleasant place (despite how difficult it is to be gay here) and it's extraordinarily comfortable. My biggest concern is failing. I know that's really quite silly. What would I be failing at? Chasing my dreams? Living somewhere new? Having an adventure? None of those things you can really fail at.

I'm pretty content right now. However, I feel a sense that my time here is drawing to an end. The setting of my narrative isn't supposed to be here forever. At least, that's what it feels like.

We will see.

Wisdom

2009-06-13T08:45:00.003-05:00

Due to an unexpected change in schedule I am home this weekend! It will allow me to run some errands and catch up with family and friends. I'm quite excited.

This week has been taxing. I've struggled greatly to be patient and for the most part it's worked out okay. I find one of the most helpful things is having someone to vent to. Thankfully I have plenty of flesh and blood friends who listen to my laments. You are spared.

I just wanted to say hello and share some quotes I found in some FB status updates. Haha.

"When I see I am nothing, that is wisdom. When I see I am everything, that is love. My life is a movement between these two". - Nisargadatta Maharaj

"Age doesn't bring wisdom. Sometimes it just comes alone".

The second quote is from my Grandpa's status update. Yes, he is on Facebook. And he's awesome. He just uploaded all his photos from his 50th wedding anniversary trip with my Grandma.

Literal Videos

2009-06-07T11:52:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm off for a couple of weeks. Work is taking me away until the 19th, so please enjoy the following until I return:

Literal Music Videos

Total Eclipse of the Heart

Never Gonna Give You Up

Daydream Believer

Great Articles

Office Culture

Searching for Value in Ludicrous Ideas

Death/Life

2009-06-03T21:26:00.005-05:00

A coworker of mine who just passed away had had two near death experiences. I was thinking about that recently as I reflected on him and the interaction we had when I used to work with him. He told me that they reminded him to focus on things that "really matter". Oddly enough, I came across this NYT blog today.

This struck me:

"I don’t know why we take our worst moods so much more seriously than our best ones, crediting depression with more clarity than euphoria."

I am extremely guilty of this. When I'm especially giddy or happy I tend to think of myself as being flippant. I need to return to a morose state of being immediately. Being in the latter mood allows me to more realistically understand my life. Ha!

Diverging slightly from the above train of thought, I often feel I can't allow myself to be happy in light of the serious suffering going on in the world. I tell myself that once I pay my penance by giving to the poor and tutoring refugee children I can feel better about having so much.

I want to give freely. I want to love freely. I don't want to do good because I feel guilty. I want to give because I want to give. Still, I don't think I can really say obligation is ever completely factored out. I definitely feel a sense of obligation. Maybe it's a moral one. When I considered myself Christian I would have said it was a Christian obligation to act charitably, but now that I don't consider myself a Christian I am still compelled to charity. In fact, I'm compelled to live for a lot of things (kindness, truthfulness, justice). I hope to follow-up on some of these thoughts later. For now, it's time to get to bed.

On a random note, I finally decided to put up some photos. Many of you have already seen them, but for those who haven't, enjoy them while they last. Note: I think they are backwards and you should start from the last page (The "new" mosque should be first).

Ignorance

2009-06-01T21:05:00.002-05:00

So sad:

http://www.commercialappeal.com/videos/detail/pastors-speak-out/

I'll add some additional commentary later.

Moving

2009-05-31T22:13:00.003-05:00

I have officially moved out. It was a chore. I never want to do it again. I've told my roommate she can have all of my belongings when I move out. I ain't lugging this crap anywhere else.

That said, the new place is lovely! Photos and or video to come. I know I always promise photos yet never deliver. But I will put some albums up. Eventually...

I have lots of things to talk about! Sadly, I'm bogged down with an insane schedule here. Work is busy (hooray, seriously), social calendar is full, and I head out in the near future for a work trip. I foresee some idle time near the end of the month.

On a somber note, my mentor at work died on Saturday. We worked together for 6 months when I first came onboard. I'd not seen him much lately (I work in a different location now), but we did see each other a couple of months ago at a professional function. I will go to the funeral and it will be my first. It still has not really registered that he will not be coming back.

Obama Marketing

2009-05-26T23:06:00.004-05:00

Would anyone really buy this? I wish this was a joke, but it's not.

Note: I'm primarily referring to the bobblehead and action figure.

Updates

2009-05-21T20:49:00.003-05:00

The times they are a changin'...

I'm in the process of moving. I should have much more packed than I currently do. In fact, I have NOTHING packed. I'm quite excited about the new place and have grand plans to make it awesome. My new roommate is great too!

The trip was absolutely incredible. In fact, it was the best trip I have ever taken. It's a bold statement, but true. I'll try to put up a link to some photos in the near future. I should be back to filling your Google Readers with fantabulous life stories in the near future.

Changes

2009-05-05T20:52:00.004-05:00

The month of May is a frenzy of activity. I'm prepping for vacation while simultaneously making arrangements to move. I began by cleaning out my room only to make the horrible realization that I'm a pack rat. It's bad. I've got so much junk around here it's ridiculous.

This week my brother's fiance is in town with her family. I'm going to have dinner with them tomorrow. It should be a good chance to brush up on my Spanish.

This month is bringing a lot of change. Good friends are leaving, old friendships are changing, and new friendships are developing. I guess that's just how things go.

In a few days I leave for vacation. I plan on using this time to do a little introspection, gain a better perspective of my life, and fill a few chinks in my soul. I've got some good books for the flight and am going to be sure to bring a journal.

The thing I love most about traveling (especially when abroad) is the feeling I have of living in the moment. There is nothing I love more than realizing there really is nowhere else in the world I would rather be at a given moment in time. It's a feeling I easily get when climbing the Great Wall or visiting the Equator. It's a bit more elusive when driving to work or doing laundry. Still, there must be a way to appreciate the "now" without doling out a lot of cash.

Lots of things have been on my mind lately so I'm certain to have a flurry of activity when I return. Maybe some photos too!

Prayer

2009-05-02T14:34:00.000-05:00

As my blog title suggests, prayer has always been an important part of my life. I recall a sermon from some time ago where the pastor mentioned people making major life decisions (like having kids) without praying about it. I was genuinely shocked. Call it naive, but I thought all Christians prayed about big life decisions all the time. I know I prayed countless times everyday. While I've never been a fan of praying out loud I've always been an advocate of silent prayer: being honest with God about what's on your heart.

Now that my "worldview" has changed slightly, the praying I used to do seems meaningless. Saying the blessing over meals was the first to go. From abandoning "saying grace" I moved towards praying less at night. Soon I was skipping some evenings altogether.

Nevertheless, I've been unable to give it up completely. I still pray despite the fact I don't think God's going to intervene in this world and answer my prayers at the expense of others'. To quote the rather blunt bumper sticker: "26,000 people will die of starvation today. Why should God answer YOUR prayer?"

Still, I miss it. I was struck by how much the other day when I found out my mother is having some medical problems. It is nothing life threatening, but it is serious and will require treatment. In the past I would have taken this to God, praying for healing. Not so much now.

I've never (except when very young) thought prayer was all about getting what I want. In fact, many of my prayers were thankful ones. I have a pretty great life. It's extraordinarily comfortable and I'm fortunate enough to be blessed with good health, great family, and a surplus of creature comforts.

It's these prayers of thanks that I think still reveal the power and importance of prayer. To quote Karen Armstrong "prayer helps us chip away our egotism". Heaping endless praise on the Creator of the universe or petitioning God to intervene in our lives when others are suffering more than we can possibly imagine is counterproductive and I daresay silly. However, offering thanks or voicing honest concern for your fellow man in prayer is valuable. For a few moments we honestly focus on somebody besides ourselves. By being completely candid and vulnerable about the good and bad in our lives and by focusing our prayers on others, we can maybe get a better perspective on things, moving past the egotism that so often defines our daily lives.

Just a thought.

Amazon

2009-05-02T13:15:00.002-05:00

So, Amazon generally does a good job recommending products for me to purchase. In fact, sometimes I'm concerned with my privacy and log-out while shopping until I'm ready to purchase. However, this e-mail was very bad. I have no idea what I could have searched for that prompted this:

Body Image

2009-04-26T21:52:00.003-05:00

I'm currently listening to all of my Aqualung albums in a row. They've been neglected.

Until halfway through college I was thin. Really, really, thin. You could see my ribs when I took my shirt off and nothing fit me well. I drowned in everything I wore. It was embarrassing. I'm in the reverse situation now. My metabolism has slowed and the fact that I don't walk everywhere anymore has created a weight gain situation. While I am not overweight by any stretch of the imagination, I am definitely soft. Due to a morbid fear of getting fat I am trying to combat the pounds by altering my altering my diet and exercising. Unfortunately my commitment to both of these is not so great. Thankfully a lot of my coworkers and friends are now working out and I will be joining them. I must be committed. I've started by limiting my fried foods to once a week (M-F). Two weeks ago was the pilot phase and I am going to keep on going. I miss french fries and Zaxby's, but it has to be done. I hate people who complain about their situations without doing anything about it, yet I've become one. It's going to end. I don't want to put on a lot of muscle or have huge pecs. I just want to have a toned/tight body and improve my cardio (strokes and heart attacks run in the family).

Now I'm going to go into a rant/soapbox/typical blogger monologue. Feel free to stop reading.

Living in the south I see a lot of overweight people. In my office alone I think there are probably 10 or fewer guys who are their proper weight. That's probably 50% normal weight, 50% overweight or obese. FYI, I'm using the the terms overweight and obese in their medical sense. It's scary.

A few weeks ago a friend told me had a free/discounted gym membership through his employer. I scoffed and thought it was just a ridiculous perk, but the more I thought about it the more I thought it was a great idea. I read an article a couple of years ago about Scotts Miracle-Gro's hyper aggressive plan to control healthcare costs (I really, really recommend you read it). Anyhow, healthcare costs are out of control in this country and one major way to improve this is via improved preventative maintenance. However, it's challenging when you have two powerful currents in modern culture that aren't pushing this message. One states you should get super "fit" and being skinny is the only way to be attractive. The other is telling you to be happy with who you are and that you should accept your body whatever shape it is. Maybe it's time for a different line of thinking that emphasizes health over appearance. Fresh fruit and vegetables should not be stigmatized and should be affordable for everyone. Some of the most obese people I know are also some of the poorest. They just can't afford to eat healthy and it's obscene. I don't know how to fix the situation on a macro level, but I know I can play a small part by taking care of my body.

Reading

2009-04-23T20:46:00.003-05:00

I've been reading a lot lately. Not as much I could be, but nevertheless I'm moving along at a decent clip. As I've mentioned before, I've got a rather large glut of books to work through before I purchase anymore. I'm trying to be good and not buy anymore before I finish what I've got (I read 4 then buy 1). Here's the list:

~~The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver~~ (finished)
Through the Looking Glass - Lewis Carroll
Salt: A World History - Mark Kurlansky
Eat, Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gilbert
Fear and Trembling - Sören Kierkegaard
Dark Night of the Soul - St. John of the Cross
The Courage to Be - Paul Tillich
A Mercy - Toni Morrison
The Reluctant Fundamentalist - Mohsin Hamid
4:50 From Paddington - Agatha Christie
The Last Word - N.T. Wright
The Language of God - Francis S. Collins
The Garden of the Finzi-Continis (I've started this twice before)
Twilight - Stephanie Meyer
His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Garbage Land - Elizabeth Royte
Orthodoxy - Gilbert Keith Chesterton
Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
The Unbearable Lightness of Being - Milan Kundera
Nineteen Eighty-four - George Orwell
The Forsyte Saga - John Galsworthy
The Four Loves - C.S. Lewis

I'm going to be busy for awhile.

Reorg.

2009-04-21T21:17:00.002-05:00

Life is good. You never know what it's going to throw at you, but that's the beauty, right? I find being able to take a step back and laugh at all the absurdity helps a lot.

I'm in the midst of reorganizing a few things in my life. I've implemented a new system to provide better transparency with my finances, started auto-saving again, am slowly getting ready for my move, and am going to yoga! My shallow goals are also close to being achieved.

I've got much more to say, but I'm distracted. Something substantial will be here soon.

Weary

2009-04-13T19:44:00.002-05:00

I'm quite exhausted. I had a rather busy week/weekend full of work, adventuring, socializing, and travel. Now I am home with a dirty apartment, broken washing machine, unbalanced checkbook, and more requesting attention. This week will be madness, but I think it's going to be grand.

I had the wonderful pleasure to spend most of the weekend in Seattle. It was quite delightful. I missed the good weather but still thought it was beautiful. David was also awesome enough to show me around and I had a great time.

Earlier in the week I was catching up with a friend via her blog. I had forgotten she had it and it was a pleasant surprise to find she was still writing. She makes it known that she is a fan of whimsy, and I can't help but feel swept up in a sense of magic/excitement when talking with her. Whimsy is something I think I used to have a lot more of. Unfortunately it's lacking now and I need to reclaim it.

Today at the grocery store I was getting some apples when I pulled the wrong one from the stack and 5 or 6 started cascading down. Luckily I managed to catch or divert them all before they hit the ground. The one that escaped my reach ended up falling into my bag! What great luck.

I bought a giant chocolate Easter bunny today. I anticipate it being quite tasty.

I recently discovered I like Swedish pancakes.

I'm moving in 6 weeks and am utterly unprepared.

Goodnight.

Best Laid Schemes

2009-04-02T21:10:00.002-05:00

You would think I would have learned my lesson. Making plans and thinking I have any control over my life is silly. I've got to learn to live for each day and take opportunities as they arise, instead of thinking I can chart out every detail of the next five years. I can't. Case in point:

I need to get a haircut. I would go next week but I'm going to be traveling (hooray). I made an appointment at 5 today and decided to leave work at 4:30. This is earlier than usual but I had planned on coming in early. Of course, this did not happen. I had a meeting at another location which messed up my morning schedule. However, it was not a big deal and I was still set to leave at 4:30. After a rather productive day I was ready to go when I got stopped by a coworker discussing our upcoming project. I proceeded to talk to him as I continued shutting down and ended up getting out of the office at 4:35. That was fine. I had a couple of extra minutes plus I could be 2-3 minutes late and I was leaving before 5 o'clock traffic. However, the interstate was jammed. It was the most backed up I had ever seen it on a Thursday afternoon (not that I take the interstate very often). It turns out there was an accident! By the time I got off my exit it was already 5. However, I thought I could still make it and sped towards my destination. The key word being sped. Alas, a GINORMOUS speed trap was waiting and I got flagged. I was not going ridiculously over and the officer was nice enough to drop it a 5 over ticket, but it completely destroyed any chance of making my appointment. As I was almost there I got the call that she would have to cancel.

I really was not that upset. Yes it will cost me some money, but it's far from the end of the world. Honestly, it was humorous. As much energy as I put into fretting about things I have no way of controlling, I realize I can't even control small, silly things like getting to the haircut place on time. Oh well.

May I learn to take things a bit more slowly.

On Love and Relationships

2009-03-30T20:38:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking about dating a lot lately. While it's been on my mind for awhile, it's come more to the forefront lately. I generally just run a lot of hypothetical scenarios in my mind about what dating would be like. In someways I think it's good I've not been in any serious relationships. I know I'm a lot more mature than I used to be and the relationships I have been in weren't based on a whole lot of honesty.

I had lunch with a friend a couple of weeks ago. He'd been wanting a girlfriend for quite some time and now that he is in college he finally got one. It was not everything he had hoped it would be and he missed being single. I'm sure this was a gradual realization, but nevertheless, one he had. A couple of days ago they broke up. That anecdote is somewhat irrelevant, but does support the old cliche "be careful what you wish for".

In another conversation with a different friend, we talked about a guy who I am interested in getting to know better. I am very, very quick to write guys off. However, this one had potential and I was/am making an effort to get to know him better. The thing is, he's leaving in a few months for up to a year. I seriously doubt we could get to know each other well enough before he leaves, but it could still be worth a shot. My friend said something to the effect of well, "maybe you'll get some making out out of it". While I should not have been shocked considering the source (this friend and I seem to inhabit different realities) I was still taken aback. Would anyone really date for the sole purpose of making out a few times?

These two conversations in conjunction with several others made me start to ponder what I think about love and relationships. On my worst days I think love is an illusion and that people who say they are in love are caught in a never ending delusion. On my best days I think it really is possible to love someone til' death do you part.

I've been criticized for not dating enough. "You're not picking out china, just getting coffee", I've heard on several occasions when I vocalize my hesitancy to date. The thing is that I have plenty of people to have coffee with and have never really subscribed to the idea of dating to find someone. It's been my experience that friendships that turn into something more are the best. This does require me to have more gay friends, but I just don't like gay guys all that much. The majority of the ones I know I don't have a lot in common with.

The idea of being with your best friend appeals to me. A lot of my friends say "I'm marrying my best friend" but it makes me wonder what happened to the old best friends? I know I've been hurt by people close to me that have cut me out of their lives when they met "Mr. Right" or "Ms. Right". I refuse to do that to my friends.

The love I'm looking for has to exist. It's not caught up in false romantic notions that can't last (though I do like a little romance, hypothetically), nor is it all about the physical relationship (though physical attraction is a component). I suppose what I'm looking for is someone to merge narratives with. Someone to "do life" with. We will love deeply and hopefully bring out the best in each other. I want to be challenged to be fully alive and I want someone I can challenge to become a better person.

Maybe I'm hoping for too much, maybe not.

Anniversary

2009-03-28T21:16:00.002-05:00

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of me telling my parents I'm gay. So much has changed since this time last year. Maybe that will be the theme of an upcoming post. Of course, you can simply see my changes by reading the archives of this blog. However, due to my prodigious posting an executive summary may be more helpful for new readers.

To mark the occasion of coming out I'm going to share the letter I composed to assist me in telling my parents:

Dear Dad, Mom, y Hermano:

I am writing this letter to express what is on my heart, and what I feel compelled to share with you. Some of this may be a repeat of things we have discussed, some may not. My goal is to help you understand my feelings.

I am not attracted to women. In fact, I am attracted to men. I am hesitant to use the term "gay", because I am not fond of the Judy Garland, Rainbow, and Gay Pride connotation this brings up. However, I will go ahead and use it in this letter.

I understand this may come as a shock. I do not know if you already knew, suspected, or thought maybe I was just confused. The truth is without a doubt that I am homosexual. Since you know how much I love plans and organization, I am going to break this letter into several parts. Please understand that this letter was not composed in a fit of passion, or that I don't know what I am talking about.

Did We Do Something Wrong?
No, absolutely not. This has been one of my biggest fears in coming out to you, the fear that you would hold yourselves responsible. There is absolutely NOTHING that you have done or have not done that has made me this way. You have been the best parents/family I could have ever imagined. I will love you no matter what, and I would never trade you for anyone else in the world.

Why Now?
I almost came out two years ago, but I did not feel it was the right time. However, a recent series of events has convinced me that now is the time. You have certainly noticed the growing chasm between us. The closeness we used to share has withered. When I am with you I am constantly stressed and frazzled and distant. Maybe you have not noticed this, but I doubt my acting is that good. If you have not noticed this, I have found my calling as an actor. Here I come Hollywood!

Have You Tried Not Being Gay?
This is what I have been doing for the past 8+ years of my life. I have broken up with several girls because I was not attracted to them physically. Still, the dream of loving a girl and having the perfect life has been so alluring that I have been unbelievably close to settling down with a girl. We were going to have a combined income of $80,000 (right out of college!); a beautiful bungalow in midtown; beautiful, intelligent children; petty arguments over taking out the trash or what to have for dinner; and church home-group hosted at our house. All of this I wanted and have been trying to pursue. However, this is all a sham. It would be a house of cards that could not last. In my heart of hearts I know that my homosexuality could not coexist with a happy marriage to a woman. Still, the desire to have this is incredibly strong. However, I know that I cannot give into my selfishness and steal someone's heart for my own desires. I also know that settling down and getting married will not make me straight. As a last resort, I even thought about finding a nice lesbian to set up a home with (I am only half joking). Besides just willing myself to be straight, I have prayed and cried out to God. I have prayed non-stop for over 8 years. I have felt that homosexuality is some "disease" that I have to get rid of. It is a battle raging in my soul and I must not be a good enough Christian. I felt that if I just worshiped a little harder, prayed more for healing, read the bible more, bought more Christian literature, joined the right church, I would break free of these feelings and God would restore me. I have been through depression, anger, tears, and a time when I was tired of living. I never became suicidal, but I was desperately close to the edge. This has challenged my faith like nothing ever has. In fact, I stopped going to church for awhile and almost abandoned my belief in God. There was also a brief time when I attempted to live apart from Him. These two instances were failures and I was mercifully called back. This leads to a nice segue into the next section:

How Does This Work With Your Christianity?
For so long I have felt that Christianity and homosexuality were mutually exclusive. This has been the main source of pain in my life. I have felt that this sin is greater than all others and there was something fundamentally wrong. Therefore, I must repress all of these feelings in order to be worthy of God's love. Until very recently, I did not understand that God's love was truly unconditional. I felt there were conditions, and that I was fortunate enough to meet them all. I did not need the grace and mercy of God. I was caring, compassionate, giving, smart, blessed, and "humble". How wrong I have been! Coming to the realization that I am not "holier than thou" has been dramatic. Pride is above all else the biggest sin I struggle with. My arrogance and pride have left me hard-hearted and numb. I will now strive for true humility. Of course, it will obviously be a daily struggle, but Christianity is not easy. I want to bear good fruit and feel I can do so, even as a homosexual. I want to obey the greatest of all commandments "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind, also love your neighbor as yourself' (paraphrased). Unfortunately, I have been paralyzed in my current state and unable to do either. I have been so busy obsessed with my sexuality that it has become an enormous idol in my life. This has left no room for honoring God. Additionally, my own self-hatred has destroyed the love I should be able to share with others. Now I can strive to be authentic with the Lord, understanding His Grace and beginning to love myself, leading to an ability to love others.

Are You Seeing Someone?
No, I am not seeing anyone. I am not going to be ready to see someone for awhile. Consuming myself with the hunt for a perfect mate will only work to derail God's plan for my life. It will become another idol blocking me from His love. Also, there is a chance that I won't find anyone. I am not going to compromise my morals. I still believe in remaining abstinent until marriage and I will not enter into a relationship with someone who is not Christ focused. Still, do not fear that I will be living a life of isolation and misery. That is actually the life I have been leading until now. Now I plan to progress into a life filled with honesty and Christian love. Also, do not give up the hope of Grandchildren. I really want to have a daughter even cuter than Julia, and a son named Ephraim. Of course, no matter how hard it is for the flesh to acknowledge, let the Lord's and not my will be done in this life. That said, I do not know what that plan for me includes.

Where Do We Go From Here?
Great Question! I understand this will take some time to process. Understand that what has taken me 8+ years to process, I do not expect you to come to terms with immediately. Understand that I love you no matter what your reaction and that you have a standing invitation back into my life. This time, my real life. Understand that I am not expecting an endorsement of homosexual behavior, or a rainbow bumper sticker placed on the Corolla. I am open to your prayers and conversations, whatever they may be. I am just as interested as you are to discuss this on a theological level. I am not looking for judgement, in either direction, but I do value candid, honest conversation. I respect you all and your viewpoints.

Remember, I am not your gay son Joseph. I am your son Joseph, who happens to be gay. This is a small part of the whole person I am...well, the whole person I hope to become as I continue to forgive myself. I still love Stargate and cookies, shopping and movies, Alias and our Sunday afternoon lunches.

I know that God loves me and that I will still be able to further his Kingdom. My priority is to live a Christ-centered Life. I live and I breathe for an audience of One. I love you all.

Boo

2009-03-26T23:31:00.001-05:00

The wrong Tigers won tonight. I'm crying a little on the inside. Despite how much I rail against sports and the time people waste getting involved, I can't help but be sad. I wanted to go all the way. My poor dreams. My poor bracket. Maybe next year.

Stuff

2009-03-26T20:47:00.000-05:00

I finally finished BSG. It was brilliant. I love the score.

Today I was annoyed at work. I was learning something new and had a hard time focusing. Learning curves are not my favorite. It's all good though. I hate complaining about work, especially since I really like my job. Also, I feel a bit whiny complaining about my job when so many other people are unemployed.

A reporter from the NY Times called me. Unfortunately my story is obscenely boring and I will not be in the paper.

I'm going to Washington (the state). I'm quite excited as I've never been there. I even get a day to explore Seattle!

This is once again a silly post. Soon I may start posting pictures of my pets.

Return

2009-03-22T09:29:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm back from my brief vacation. I will be in town for two more weeks before taking a rather exciting trip for work. While away I got a call from a coworker and it appears we are going to be safe from job cuts. It's still sad that others may lose their jobs. Time will tell.

I've pretty much concluded that my Grandparents are some of the coolest people on the planet. The dynamics of our relationship have changed which is good. I appreciate them more now. They're not just the people that give me treats when I visit and send birthday money. We had some very candid conversations about many taboo topics: money and religion primarily. They have some interesting things to say.

I have firmly decided that Houston is not in the running for a future home. It's too hot and too sprawling. Plus, everything appears faded by the sun. It's as if it burns the very essence out of things. All that is left is a faded shell. I don't want that to happen to me.

I've been mulling some things over and should start posting things more substantial than the self-absorbed posts of late. Of course, this is my blog and I'm allowed to be as self-centered as I want.

Goodbye.

Oh yeah, I am now a fan of Lisa Hannigan (thanks Stephen Colbert) and IKEA. Just FYI.

Weekend

2009-03-15T20:04:00.002-05:00

I had a really great weekend and felt like sharing.

Friday night I played Risk with my roommate and a few friends. I was defeated, but my empire lasted for awhile. Saturday I lounged around the house and did some cleaning. Saturday night I went to a St. Patrick's Day party that turned out to be pretty fun (I was wary at first). Today I got up and went to church. I planned on skipping but really wanted to go. It turned out to be one of the best sermons I've ever heard. This afternoon I hung out with my parents and went to a baby shower for a friend. Tonight I ran and cooked dinner. I'm beat, but content.

In other news, I've decided it's time to finally get control of all of my digital media. I need to organize all my photos and get my Flicker albums up. I'm attempting to eventually ween myself off Facebook.

Besides Houston, some other very exciting travel plans have come up through work. I will be sure to mention them once they're confirmed. Also, this week should be the last I have to get through before I find out if I will be losing my job. If I do, I've got no clue what I will do, but I'm certain I can manage. Health insurance is my only worry.

Dreams

2009-03-11T19:40:00.002-05:00

I've been having unusually vivid dreams lately. Last night I dreamed I found a wallet of a women who had been abducted and/or murdered. It had her credit cards, license, ID, etc., all bundled together with a rubber band. The most disturbing thing about the dream was that in it I was thinking about how I would blog about it! I was actually composing the blog entry in my head, in the dream. It was crazy. Maybe I need to take a break from this.

In other "news", the gym shorts that I have been wearing for the past 8 years as pajamas are being retired. They have loosened to the point they are too big to wear. I bought some new ones at Target but they are not the same.

I am trudging through a book that is mediocre, but I really just want to stop reading it. However, I've committed and am determined to finish it.

We had a 30+ degree drop in temperature compared to yesterday. It was 78 and now we are under a winter storm watch. It is utterly insane.

Next week I am headed to Texas to visit my grandparents! I'm very excited. They live outside Houston. Hooray for vacation.

On Faith

2009-03-08T20:32:00.002-05:00

A question I've been pondering as I take the time to search my heart is "why?" Why do I act the way I do, say the things I say, believe the things I believe? What are my motivations?

As I grapple with questions of "faith" (such an obtuse word, isn't it?) I wonder what's the point. Why am I so obsessed with finding answers and what does it mean for me?

Last December I went to Downtown Disney with my Aunt, Uncle, cousin (three years old), and my Aunt's mother. Downtown Disney is a rather amazing tribute to materialism. It's a family friendly (with the exception of a few bars/clubs) destination where you can eat, shop, and be entertained. They even have a theatre featuring Cirque Du Soleil. Full disclosure: I love malls and shopping. I don't think this fact has been hidden on this blog. Downtown Disney was great!

Anyhow, the parking lots were PACKED. We drove and drove searching for an empty spot. My Aunt's mother said a prayer for us to find a spot and lo' and behold we found one. She told my cousin (her granddaughter) to observe how Jesus was listening.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. REALLY? Jesus is helping find a f*ing parking space so we can spend money on things we don't need, made by people who are probably living in squalor? This is God's will? Faith is about finding a parking space in a crowded mall? I was so horribly distraught and this experience has been haunting me ever since.

Faith has got to be about love, nothing else. Our ultimate concern must be love. Unfiltered, unconditional love. I think that's what Christianity was/is about. That's a Christianity I love and the reason I can't seem to tear myself away from it.

However, I think we have so corrupted this love. Loving people for no reason/reward is hogwash! We all know that. We must add in heaven and hell. We have to serve God and love people so that we will go to heaven (works based), or grace alone must provide our personal salvation. Of course, we know heaven is waiting for us. When we get there it will be so fantastic to peer over the guard rails and see all those heathens and sinners roasting below, that will show them!

What happened to unconditional love? What happened to goodness for goodness sake? How has morality become so corrupted and religion transformed into personal piety instead of saving a dying world?

Let me perfectly clear. I love religion. I honestly do. Also, I must be very clear in stating the faith that I had (and still have) is all about love. While I did for many years also believe that God would take away my sexual attraction to guys, that was not what my faith was primarily about. Spreading God's love and transforming the world was/is my passion. Unfortunately, through my studies of Christianity I reached the conclusion that I was not really a Christian. A Christian must be someone who believes in a literal resurrection, atonement, and a deity who is actively working in the world. This has caused my loss of "faith".

I no longer believe in a God who is intervening in my daily activities. This loss has been traumatic. For now I believe in agape love, which takes faith. It's not the same as saying life is meaningless. I don't think it is, I just think you have to find meaning. Everything is not vanity, as it may feel and seem at times. Our only options are not suicide or getting high to overcome our existential dilemma. I think you can lead a faithful life. I think you can commit to change. I think you can commit to love.

No, it's not easy, no it's not convenient. Yes, it feels stupid sometimes. You feel like a sucker. You think: "Why the hell am I trying to love these ungrateful idiots? What's the point? I should just go shopping, maybe get some ice cream. I'm sure these people will work things out for themselves."

When I talk about Jesus and God I realize that everyone comes with their own preconceived notions and beliefs. When I mention God and Jesus we probably are talking about entirely different concepts. There is the temptation to say that I have fallen away from Christ and am just recreating him to make him more palatable. "He comes with a sword! He is coming again to restore order. He wants you to repent and come to Him." My question is, what then? You keep him close and pray for parking spots? You wait for the the end days with your RSVP for Heaven? Surely faith requires more than this. Surely it means doing something. Surely Jesus is a call to action, not a source of guilt and in the same token a way to assuage it.

My father told me and my brother that "we lived in a haze". It was when I was in high school and I was incensed! "Live in a haze? I know a lot! I am in the Top 10 of my class! I've read a ton of the classics, I know Calculus, I am so wordly". Only now do I understand his words and realize how much of a haze I live in. How carefully I've crafted this world of illusion around me.

At times I have been driven to the brink. I obsess about the meaning of life and the reality that I won't (and may never) understand. I become overly melancholy until I snap out of it and realize how absolutely selfish and idiotic I am. PEOPLE ARE DYING. PEOPLE ARE STARVING. RIGHT NOW! Here I am, so self-absorbed in my cozy apartment with my HD satellite, iMac, car, corporate job, organic fruit, iPod, cell phone, 40'' tv, and $200 peacoat, WHINING! How do I look myself in the mirror?

And yet, here I am blogging. Talking instead of doing. When I do put love in action it's at a slower pace than I want it to be. I feel like I should be saving the world and should see the fruits of my labor immediately. Unfortunately that's not the way it works. It takes patience and small steps.

I pray for the courage to defy tradition and the backwards ambition of the world. Let me get over my own ego enough to be radical. To change. To continue to be moved to action. Amen.

Scarcity

2009-03-07T10:25:00.000-06:00

A couple of announcements:

I've been editing my links a bit. If you have been added and would like me to remove you please leave me a comment letting me know. I will not take it personally.

The Fiction Family cd is pretty great. It's really been growing on me and I suggest you Google them.

Being away for two weeks means you have a lot of trivial little things to catch up on that end up taking a lot of time

As you know, I am a recovering "stuffaholic". I still struggle with the insane idea that things will bring me happiness and am constantly working to cut back on my consumption. I'm doing better, but there is always room to improve.

I've discovered that a part of my problem is a concern that I won't have enough. The other night I went to the movies and decided to get popcorn. Before heading to the concession stand I told myself that I would buy a small Cherry Coke and small popcorn. That's all. It would be a sufficient and responsible quantity. I'm pretty sure I have never finished an entire large bucket of popcorn and knew this night would not be an exception. The large popcorn is simply too much. However, as I approached the line I was overcome by irrational thoughts:

"It's only .75 cents more!"
"Look at how much popcorn there is!"
"Steven may want some." (As if Steven could really eat half the bucket).

I caved. I bought the big popcorn. Why? I think the reason was I thought it was a good deal and I wanted to make sure I had enough. Of course, it is not a good deal when it's unnecessary, when it's extra, when you can't consume it. I ended up bringing the leftover popcorn home and it spilled all over my back seat. Additionally, I think I cracked a tooth on a kernel when I ate some later on at the apartment. In conclusion, this gluttony and irrational concern of not having enough caused me to vacuum out my car and go to the dentist.

Buried Hatchets

2009-03-03T19:41:00.000-06:00

I apologize if this appears to be a repeat in your Google reader. It kind of is. I had to make some edits.

This afternoon I got to spend time with a girl I care about a lot. She is someone I hurt as I came to terms with my sexuality last year. I feared it would be awkward and painful. It was not. It was actually quite pleasant and there was a sense of peace about our relationship. What a pleasant surprise when something you think is going to be terrible turns out the opposite.

We had a freak snow storm here. I ended up being trapped at my friend's house after unsuccessfully trying to drive home last night.

As the temperature warms up I have decided that running is going to be my exercise of choice. Wish me luck.

Saturday night I played my first drinking game. I had a negative attitude about it at first, but it ended up being really fun. As I don't really like alcohol, Sprite and Coke were my two primary drinks. Therefore, I do declare that drinking games can be fun even when completely sober. It was a shock to me.

Edit:

So, the snow storm ended up trapping my friend here. She stayed at my apartment where we watched The Last Mimzy and talked. It was a great conversation. Lots of serious things but lots of laughter too. It was just fantastic all around.

Also, last night I saw the The Watchmen. It was good, but I have not read the graphic novel so had nothing to compare it to.

Ciao.

Away

2009-02-14T09:38:00.002-06:00

I've got two things I really want to talk about, but I am taking my time. Therefore, don't expect anything especially deep from this site anytime soon. Of course, by "deep" I mean teen-angsty.

Life here continues. I'm still working on getting my debts paid off, but I feel bad because I am one of those Americans cutting back on spending when what the economy really needs is spending. Therefore, I am also making an effort to spend on frivolous things and entertainment.

I went to another UU church a couple of weeks ago. It was okay, but I don't think I will be back. Why I suppose I'm pretty liberal, I'm not that liberal. Hahaha.

The change in weather has allowed my to run a couple of times. Additionally, I played Wii Fit at my parent's house. It said I was 33. I was very much hurt considering I am 22. Boo that.

I'll be away for a couple of weeks on business raking in the Hhonors points (and working). I may get to go hiking though I don't really want to do it alone. I have not been hiking in about 10 years (except for "hiking" I've done abroad) but I asuume I still love it. Chances are I will end up driving around taking pictures and exploring some of the small towns instead.

I don't know why I am being cryptic about where I am going. This blog is not really that anonymous anymore.

Anyhow, the world keeps spinning. I keep growing (however painful it is). Goals keep getting set and met. And the quest to love continues.

I hope life is good for you.

Insanity

2009-02-07T10:46:00.002-06:00

Every now and then I get a crazy idea. After a conversation with a friend earlier this week I briefly considered becoming a vegetarian. Then I remembered that lunch meat and Chick-Fil-A compose approximately 60% of my diet. Oh well. Maybe I will strive for vegetarian Tuesdays or something.

A few weeks ago I thought I should train for a half-marathon. After getting up fairly early (for a Saturday) and nearly killing myself on a pathetically short run, I realized the insanity of this idea. I've also been trying to cut out carbs. Unfortunately my love of waffle fries and Sunkist thwarts me.

What's a boy to do?

Well, I actually am not going hide behind excuses. I am going to start exercising more and eating healthier. I am not going to buy into the either-or fallacy. Either I become a vegetarian or I am unhealthy. Either I run a marathon or sit on my butt getting fat. A move towards moderation is in order.

In other news, I was supposed to post a video of the image stabilization feature in the new iMovie 09. Sadly, my video clip was too wobbly! It could not be stabilized. I will say the new iMovie is VASTLY improved. It's a lot more intuitive.

Have an amazing weekend.

Oh, and go see Coraline in 3D. It's fantastic.

Vanity

2009-02-05T20:28:00.002-06:00

I was going to take the time to make an announcement about another hiatus. Then I realized that I have an audience of approximately 5, so that would just be silly. Also, I am not really going on another hiatus. I'm simply reducing the volume of my posting.

This weekend I am going to join a gym. After having my old pastor's wife complement my appearance and then add "you look live you've been feeding yourself well" in addition to not being to wear a tie due to the fact my neck has outgrown my dress shirts, I have got to start working out. The situation will become increasingly dire if I continue to ignore it.

Life here has been increasingly busy. This month I will be on the road quite a bit so I'm attempting to get my stuff in order before my departure.

That said, there are e-mails to respond to, letters to write, packages to send, errands to run, people to meet, clothes to buy, and many loose ends to wrap up before I leave.

Clarification

2009-02-01T16:00:00.000-06:00

During a brief chat with a friend, I realized that I may be giving the wrong impression about how I got to where I am, and what exactly I believe. In this conversation my friend stated that he didn't know why by beliefs seemed to falter, to paraphrase, he could only see that I had become fed up with how other Christians acted. This, I know, is not an adequate reason for me to have a change in faith.

So here goes:

Reconciling Christianity and homosexuality became a major issue for me last spring. I could not stop reading about it. I read all sorts of books both Side A and Side B. I found the former quite wacky and the latter unsatisfying as well. I knew I must make a choice and that ultimately I could not find the answer in a book. For clarification, I do not think being attracted to guys is a sin and I do not think that sex within the context of committed, long-term relationships is immoral. Anyhow, what reading these books taught me is how little I knew about Christianity, church history, or the bible itself. It also opened up a whole new world of historical/critical analysis when it comes to the bible.

From this I started exploring my faith. Websites, books, DVD's, and the bible itself served as guides. I began really, really investigating. I had so many questions and doubts that had to be addressed. Never did I think I would move from my moderate faith to being somewhat godless.

Until last year I was ignorant. Absolutely ignorant. I didn't even know what words like eschatology, apologetics, Arminianism, or Calvinism meant. While my faith before had been about serving God I suppose I had always shied away from getting caught up in all the "religious" aspects of it. I was content with silently disagreeing or questioning without really pushing. For instance, I always had a problem with how the three major religions diverged after the OT. I was also a bit wary of some of the things in the New Testament like atonement. Also, I had a hard time feeling sadness for the crucifixion of Jesus if it was all God's divine plan anyway. However, I would suppress these doubts and work on other aspects of my faith, like loving more.

Unfortunately, I think after reading Religious Literacy, I could not stop trying to be religiously literate. I read and read (and am still reading). Figures like the early martyrs, Origen, Augustine, Calvin, Wesley, Luther, Paul, Josephus, and Tillich were all introduced to me. Before, I had a very light understanding of who these men and women were. In fact, I am still researching and reading the writings of many of them.

While I will admit the deterioration of my former faith was quicker than I had anticipated, the roads became closed off to me and there was no going back.

All this said, I by no means think that "I'm enlightened and loving, and people who adhere to doctrines are not" as it appears I may have presented myself.

What I am is seeking. I am a finite human trying to wrestle with big questions (like the meaning of life). Most of my friends are Christian, my family is Christian, the majority of my coworkers are Christian. I don't look down on them and judge them. Most people don't ever have any external force push them into critically evaluating their beliefs. Also, I don't think that they are all in bondage to religion and serving God solely to avoid eternal torment. That would be naive and arrogant.

That said, I must be vocal about things that are dead wrong. Calvinism and rapture "theology" are my two primary pet peeves. I suppose you can believe in Calvin's god, but to quote a friend, he is a monster. Any God that creates a being, against its will, and then banishes it to eternal hell is not loving. You can't give the cop-out answer of "we just don't understand" or the bullshit response of Eve eating a piece of fruit. These are intellectually and morally bankrupt. As far as the rapture, I don't know what's going to happen in the "end times", or after I die. I do know that Left Behind is NOT the way it will go down and there will not be some antichrist leading the nations.

Now, I absolutely hate it when people define themselves by what they don't like, don't believe, don't do, etc. I refuse to be one of those people. This means that my search will continue. While I may not find some new label, I do hope to find a faith I can share. Something that gives my life meaning, solves my existential crisis, and causes me to grow into a better, more mature, and more loving human being.

So, I am essentially starting from scratch. Moving from my inadequate theism, through this dark night of the soul, towards a destination currently unknown. I'm a ship that has left the harbor towards some distant port that may or may not exist. But it's all in the journey anyway, right?

People Pleaser

2009-01-31T23:34:00.006-06:00

Hmmm...I am loathe to talk about the whole gay thing because I want to move this blog beyond that topic. There are bigger fish to fry! However, something (well a series of somethings) occurred that has made me bring the subject up again.

First, a random tangent. I recently purchased the new "The Fray" cd. Based on a series of recommendations from a wide spectrum of friends I decided to pony up the money. Alas, I only moderately enjoy it. I didn't buy their last album which should have factored into my decision this time. However, I trusted the wisdom of crowds and got saddled with a cd I don't really enjoy. That said, there have been instances in the past where I buy I cd, don't like it, shelve it, and then rediscover it and realize it's awesomeness years later. Therefore, in about two years look for a post where I talk about how much I love this cd.

Back on track:

I was chatting with a friend (from China) and she asked me if I had a girlfriend. I said no and thought she was going to change the subject, but she was relentless. She kept asking and asking and so I told her I dated guys. Of course, this is kind of hypothetical since I have not actually dated any guys. Anyhow, I further elaborated and explained the word in English was gay. She was extremely confused and thought I was kidding and after a terribly awkward conversation I rephrased it to where she did not think I was gay and I did not correct her.

A couple of months ago I was a groomsman in a wedding which was a lot of fun! I got to wear a tux which was quite exciting. However, it was too big and I look fat in all the wedding pictures.

Anyhow, in line with a friend the conversation turned towards if I was dating anyone (of course she asked if it was a girl). I told her "no" but she was a bit persistent. I can understand. It's odd for me to not be in a relationship or at least to not have just come off of a break-up and be in between relationships. I proceeded to explain how I was happy being single, etc., etc., and the conversation moved onto other subjects.

Later a family friend made a comment to my mom about how she could picture my wedding day. I knew this had to be hard for my mom and I confirmed this when we spoke the week after.

The question I ask is why? Why can I not come out to people? The truth is I don't want to make them uncomfortable. Telling people I'm attracted to guys is hard. It's easier to say I'm not interested in girls. I don't want to say I'm gay and have people think I am out having sex every night. I know this is ridiculous. However, I still assume that all guys want is sex. I still equate gay with sex and straight with relationships. It's horrible and I don't know how to overcome it. Why should I care what people assume about me? It's their own ignorance. I should be working to be honest about myself and work to change their assumptions. Unfortunately, this is not what I do.

Recently I had lunch with a friend. I kept meaning to tell her that I was gay but I kept stopping. I thought she would judge and condemn and I didn't want that. During the conversation she asked if there were any girls in my life. I said no. Eventually the conversation moved to books and I mentioned "The Commitment" by Dan Savage. She thought I was talking about a different book, but I proceeded to discuss this book and by default ended up telling her. It was insane that I almost choked up while in the process. It's like all the pain and confusion and anger and anxiety started to well up when I discussed it. I held it together just fine, but did end up pouring out my anxieties. Well, not all of anxieties. We only had an hour. After my sharing she proceeded to tell me that it didn't matter to her. Her first question was actually if I had been dating a friend of mine. It was great. She also told me about her gay uncle who has adopted three children from broken homes with his partner. She also mentioned a gay cousin. It was a complete non-issue and such a relief.

I don't know why I decided to share this story. I guess it sheds light on the two lives I am leading. On one side I have the rational guy who knows he's gay and has asked a guy out. He's open to dating and seriously considering it. On the other side is another me: terrified of what his friends and family will think of him. The guy frightened by the idea of a physical relationship who is still trying to develop a sexual attraction to women. The guy who pictures sexuality as a number line with gay being negative, asexual at 0, and straight as positive. I want to be at least asexual so that I could have a solid base to start my attraction to girls. Insane I know.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just swear off any romantic relationships. Shut the door now and deal with it. Of course, that's not what I want to do. Despite my fear and cynicism, I think a relationship would be great. I'm not expecting anything perfect or someone to "complete" me. I'm not wandering around missing a huge part of myself. Realistically I just need to take a step back and relax. Things have a way of working themselves out.

Winter Update

2009-01-29T21:14:00.002-06:00

A few weeks ago I provided a life update, but I feel like doing another. I'm really sleepy and don't feel like delving into any deep thoughts. Alas, I cannot go to sleep as I am expecting a visitor in a few minutes.

Right now my hoodie smells like Starbucks. I like it.

A few weeks ago I was looking up Mars Hill Church (Rob Bell's). I ended up stumbling upon a Mars Hill Church website that really freaked me out. Tonight I realized I had visited the wrong one! The site I went to was Mark Driscoll's church. No wonder it was so scary! No offense to my Calvinist friends.

Despite my best efforts I have not been able to stop my obsession with hashing out what I do and do not believe when it comes to God. I keep telling myself I will take a break, but keep getting sucked back in. At this rate I am going to learn Greek so I can read the ancient texts myself.

Due to the fact I have approximately 25 books sitting unread (most of them new) I have made a pact with a friend that we will not buy any new books until we have finished reading 4. In time, my surplus should be eliminated.

I've been perpetually sleep deprived this week and it appears the problem will persist into the weekend. Ideally I will be back to a decent schedule by Monday.

Today I realized that I have got to start working out. Hello running shoes, it's been awhile.

I have listened to the new Killers cd approximately 20 times. I'm completely addicted and I don't know why.

Until next time.

Forgiveness

2009-01-26T20:21:00.001-06:00

Forgiveness. I like to think I do a good job of forgiving others. Of course, it's impossible to offer an objective assessment of how I do. Nevertheless, I am a big advocate of the "f" word.

I was not always much of a forgiver. In the past I didn't forgive easily because I thought it was a sign of weakness. Those who forgive quickly allow themselves to be walked all over, used and abused. I had a tendency to hold on to grudges and allowed bitterness to grow within me. Recently I was talking to a couple of good friends and I was reminded of how I had been "wronged" by someone. I had actually forgotten about the incident but for a moment was filled with righteous indignation. "That's right! He did do that! I was so angry!" In this moment my old mentality returned. I wanted to hang on to the anger.

Thankfully it passed as I realized there was no need to hold the grudge. Also, the friend I was talking to on the phone was someone I have had occasion to forgive countless times. Yet, she wasn't on the phone reminding me of the trespasses she had committed against me. Of course, she has forgiven me for an equal if not greater number of trespasses throughout our friendship.

I don't know if anyone out there has the mentality that forgiveness equals weakness. If you do I would ask you to reconsider. While it may seem that you are always the forgiver, you are forgiven a lot more than you realize.

Home

2009-01-23T21:34:00.002-06:00

Ensuring that I never use the same blog title twice (or that if I do I properly sequence it) takes up quite a bit of time. Therefore, I am no longer going to fret over it. If this title is a repeat I think the world will still keep spinning.

I most definitely plan on leaving "home" to "find my fortune" elsewhere in the not too distant future. However, I still get an odd feeling of joy and a sense of contentment every time I cross the bridge and return from a trip. The same feeling occurs when I touch down in the airport and take the escalator down to "my" baggage claim. It's a nice feeling to have a place to call your own.

The end.

Quiet

2009-01-14T21:05:00.001-06:00

Rarely am I at a loss for things to post about. Generally it's a struggle to stop myself from wasting time pouring my thoughts out here. There are a couple of things I want to talk about, but I am still thinking on them.

2009 has gone well. I've made some big plans and am sticking to them. It will require a lot of self-control, but I know I can do it. I'm also working on some smaller things that should bring a bit of satisfaction to my life.

I'm in a poetry mood. I didn't think those words would ever come out of my mouth.

Something from the Field Museum

2009-01-12T19:54:00.007-06:00

Moving

2009-01-10T09:00:00.005-06:00

My trip got pushed back a week. I'm not complaining! Now I can catch up on stuff around here.

Last night I went out with some coworkers. In 2.5 hours I managed to choke down one beer. Gross. I don't think I will ever find one I like.

I am moving. It will be in four months, but I am in the process of planning right now. For the first time in my whole life I get my own bathroom! It's not in my favorite part of town (it's sort of in a suburb), but it is the fiscally responsible thing to do. No need to get a fancy new apartment/house/condo just so I can fill it with crap I don't need.

I have not been to Target in over two weeks. This has got to be some sort of record. I am generally there twice a week minimum.

iLife'09 looks like it's going to have some cool features. A friend and I are going to buy the family pack so we can upgrade.

Hooray for the weekend. Time to head out and get some stuff done!

Honesty (3)

2009-01-08T21:06:00.000-06:00

Marriage has been on my mind a lot lately. My brother is getting married and I just attended a wedding of a girl I liked for some time. I try not to be bitter or cynical, but it's hard. I get so angry seeing a ceremony that I won't ever have. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable marrying a guy.

College was the place I was supposed to find my wife. While I never officially dated any girls in high school, I figured I would find someone in college. Of course, I am speaking from the point of view of the me who figured with enough time, prayer, and healing I would overcome my attraction to guys and get married. Actually, I had planned on suppressing "this temptation" for the rest of my life. In school I met two girls that I considered marrying. Thankfully I did not pursue a romantic relationship with either. Enough pain was caused by the relationships we did form.

I would be lying if I said I don't think about marriage (to a woman) a lot. While I know I don't have the desire to rip off some girls clothes, this would at least mean my wife wouldn't have to worry about infidelity. I also have great taste in fashion and love shopping and I feel like I will be a great dad. I am super competitive (though not into sports) and I like action movies, science, and business. Marrying a girl would be so easy! If I got married to a girl I would obviously tell her that I am attracted to guys. This of course means our relationship would be devoid of physical intimacy. I am sure we could cuddle and I could have sex when it comes time to make some babies. Of course, I then realize how silly this idea is. All of my past relationships with girls have ended painfully. I have broken a lot of hearts all because there was no physical intimacy. I never got beyond holding hands.

I have had experience seeing the results of marriages where one partner is gay. It does not end well. The stories I have seen first hand and all I have researched online make me realize this option is closed off to me. Despite all I do to try and convince myself I might be attracted to girls, it does not work. Believe me, I have tried a lot. Still, there is a very real part of me that thinks maybe I just haven't met the right girl. Maybe one day this will all just go away.

Currently my sexuality is not some source of pain and stress like it was for so long. I am not living in fear, shame, and guilt. I feel sane. I have not been having the mood swings and all the anxiety and stress that came when I was struggling so much to stop my sexual attraction to guys. I no longer tally the days I have gone without giving into "temptation" in the hopes that one day I will no longer be gay. For this I am thankful.

All I know is that I continue to move forward in a direction I had never imagined. I am second guessing myself continually and frantically adjusting my 6, 12, 18, 24, etc. month goals in some desperate attempt to regain control. I am compelled to move forward and am grateful for it. The calling to change, grow, do, be, and love is becoming louder and I cannot drown in out. Slowly I am growing into a better version of myself. I am ready to take the chances that will lead to growth and am already taking some of them. They are, however, carefully calculated to minimize risk.

Some days I feel close to the ineffable reality we call God. I experience transcendence and "faith". Hope is tangible and love is still a cause worthy of my time and energy. Other days I feel a bit cut off. I view humanity as a species headed towards extinction with its individual members spending their lives groping around in the dark searching for meaning that always proves elusive.

I know I am being whiny and stupid but forgive me. Eventually I will be okay with this. One day I will stop being confused about everything. I will have the courage to not worry so much about the future. I will accept these attractions. I will find peace with God. I am very aware of how fortunate I am and how my problems (if you even could call them that) are nothing in comparison to those who are dying of famine and disease at this very moment. Nevertheless, this blog is supposed to be a place where I share all parts of my "journey".

End of pity party. Thanks for attending.

Remote Demo

2009-01-06T19:19:00.002-06:00

The only thing wrong with my hotel in Chicago:

Stand in awe of my amazing video editing skillz.

Pocket Cookies

2009-01-05T20:08:00.004-06:00

Leaving work I stuck my hands into my pockets in order to shelter them from the cold. Inside I found two cookies! At lunch today I bought three chocolate chip cookies. I ate one and stuck the other two in my pocket where they were later discovered. It was a lovely treat.

Today I considered getting rid of my Nintendo Wii. I bought is about two years ago because I just had to have it. All it does is collect dust because I don't have anyone to play with. However, I think I will keep it around because is should get more use once I move in with a friend this May.

I recently finished A History of God by Karen Armstrong. I have read two other books by her and all of them have been enjoyable. It has been very useful as I am reengineering my faith. It gave me hope and a sense of peace. I have one more "weighty" book to read before I switch to some lighter fair. Through the Looking Glass is next in the queue.

Well, I really should not be spending time blogging right now. There are things that must be done this week before I head out for yet another trip. I feel like I am living out of a suitcase.

Fresh Start

2009-01-04T16:59:00.002-06:00

This year holds a lot of promise. I get the same feeling at the start of every new year. It's a blank slate. I don't know why this specific date on the calendar seems to offer more hope and opportunity for change than any other time of the year, but it does.

The old posts I mentioned I was going to publish have been scrapped. There is just no need. Most of them were not anything important anyhow. Really, none of what I write here is especially important. It is merely a place I share my thoughts, feelings, and frustrations. Thanks for tuning in.

This weekend I went to Chicago. I must say it was the best trip I have had in quite sometime. While the family vacation to Orlando was nice, it is quite a different feeling spending quality time with just you and a friend. We hit up all the main tourist spots (Millennium Park, Field Museum, The Magnificent Mile, Garrett's Popcorn, etc.) and even had a chance to see Wicked. It was absolutely delightful. I may even post some photos. No promises though.

This year really seems to hold a lot of potential. It's another year of big change, as I hope all the years of my life will be. Maintaining the status quo will never appear on my "to-do" list.

I hope your 2009 kicked off as well as mine.

New Year

2009-01-01T07:45:00.000-06:00

It's fiscal year '09 at work, so I have a tendency to forget we are entering 2009 and not 2010. Random I know.

New Year's Resolution's are not something I typically do, and I don't have any intention of starting now. However, it does provide an opportunity to update my currently existing goals.

Here are the highlights:

Kill off my materialistic side (violent rhetoric I know)
Stop treating my feelings as an alien part of me
Read more
Observe the Sabbath
Find God
Be a man of action, not words
Volunteer
Get fit

I'm off to Chicago for the weekend.

Journal

2008-12-30T21:56:00.001-06:00

Since the beginning of college I have been keeping a journal. I was inspired by my mother and the cartoon character Doug. I am currently on my third volume. While reviewing them the other day I realized how far I have progressed on this journey and it has been a bit sobering.

Sometimes I have a tendency to rewrite the events of the past. When I was in the middle of battling this "temptation" and engaged in the "struggle" I would sometimes convince myself that I was not fighting hard enough. I would tell myself that some part of me wanted to be gay and that I was allowing myself to be gay. Even now having somewhat come to terms with my sexuality there are times when I wonder if maybe I just didn't try hard enough. However, a look at the things I wrote just a couple of years ago reveal that this is not the case:

"Daily I struggle with feelings of inadequacy, a struggle against desires I don't want to have"

"I think if I continue to fight temptation and stay resolved my life will improve"

"I am struggling with something horrible inside of me and need to be receptive to healing. It is a daily struggle and sometimes I don't know how much longer I can bear it. I just want it to vanish or be destroyed"

"I realize that this journal will be read when I die. Let me clarify something. I do not want to be gay. I don't know if people can 'get over it' but I am going to try"

---

This is a very tiny sample revealing a glimpse of the turmoil I was going through. Looking back on the anguish I was in before I wonder how I accomplished anything in school. I also wonder how I was able to be so self absorbed. Did I not realize how much pain others were also enduring?

In my journals I rarely used the work gay or homosexual. I was much too closeted for that. I always alluded to a "great evil" or "temptation" or "this struggle". What I was referring to was the fact that I was sexually attracted to guys. I would get sucked into watching stuff on youtube (not even porn) and feel extremely guilty if not physically ill afterward. A lot of effort was put into trying to end this attraction. I will not go into what now seem comical lengths to overcome "this evil", but trust me when I say they were exhaustive. From working out, to befriending more straight guys, to praying for the lust to stop, I was desperate to try anything.

Correction

2008-12-29T07:01:00.000-06:00

Too often I read over old posts when I should be doing more productive things. However, it occasionally has an upside. Like I have done before, I need to make a correction.

When I talk about faith I give the impression that I had an infantile faith in which I only demanded things from God. While that was a part of the story, it was far from the whole truth. First off, I was more begging and pleading than I was demanding for my attraction to change. Second, I was very passionate about God and Christ. I was determined not to be one of those "lukewarm" Christians and was inspired to be radical by the likes of Shane Claiborne.

While it is definitely true I was angry with God and relentless in my desire to change my sexual desires, this was not what my faith was about. Reading over the old posts made me realize that was the image I was presenting.

I just wanted to clarify. As I've mentioned before, these posts are just snapshots revealing a tiny portion of the dozens of conflicting thoughts bouncing around my head.

Gearing up for 2009 has seen me more earnestly work to simplify my life and clear out my physical space (apartment) and mental space (books I am working on, posts I am writing, topics I want to study). The bulk of my posts for January will be a purging of a dozen or so old posts that need to be completed. Some I will post with a January date and others will keep their original date. I don't want to make my "thought timeline" out of sync.

That's all.

Liz

2008-12-28T20:10:00.000-06:00

Something from one of my favorite shows, 30 Rock:

Liz: And meeting someone new, uh, all the nodding and smiling and sibling listing and what's the upside? It works and you have to have a bunch of sex?

Jack: Lemon, what do you want? Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?

Liz: No, I just wish I could start a relationship about 12 years in when you really don't have to try anymore and you can just sit around together and goof on tv shows and then go to bed together without anybody trying any funny business.

Oh Liz Lemon, if you were real I would so marry you.

75 Things

2008-12-26T21:42:00.007-06:00

Because it's my blog and I'll do what I want to:

1. I was born in California
2. I went to 5 elementary schools
3. Airports are one of my favorite things
4. Spending the night in airports is not one of my favorite things
5. Old school Nickelodeon shows rock
6. Old school Disney shows (especially So Weird) rock
7. When I was a kid I read ever single Peanuts comic strip collection
8. I like the person I am today more than the person I was four years ago
9. I thought I was a pretty good person 4 years ago
10. When nobody's home I like to dance
11. I never dance in public
12. Buying things for people makes me happy
13. Bookstores are magical
14. Jamie Cullum songs speak to my soul
15. Singing at the top of my lungs to Brandi Carlile can dramatically alter my mood
16. The popcorn at Target always smells delicious but tastes disappointing
17. When I go to the movies I avoid wearing button fly jeans because they are awkward at urinals
18. Number 17 may have been TMI
19. One day I would like to have a scholarship named after me
20. I don't like hot liquids (though I can manage hot tea when abroad, chamomile is my favorite)
21. Tommy was my favorite Power Ranger.
22. I have had a crush on Matthew Lawrence since Super Human Samurai Cyber Squad
23. Forrest Gump always makes me teary-eyed
24. You've Got Mail is my favorite romantic comedy
25. Emperor's New Groove is my favorite movie of all time
26. I would like to learn Arabic
27. Traveling the world has a permanent place on my "to do" list
28. Mexico is my next international destination (followed by Turkey)
29. I was a Royal Ranger
30. Veggie Tales amuse me
31. Esther is my favorite book of the Bible
32. Not auditioning for the school play is my only high school regret
33. High school was kind to me
34. Middle school was not kind to me
35. College was awesome
36. I'm pretty sure grad school is going to kick ass.
37. Eliminating global hunger is a dream of mine
38. I don't do enough to help those in need
39. Making this list is harder than I thought it would be
40. Express is the source of 80% of my work attire
41. One of my biggest fears is getting fat
42. I weigh 152 pounds
43. I am short, 5'8 (rounding up)
44. Skechers are my favorite shoes
45. I used to work in a shoe store
46. CST is my favorite time zone
47. 12+ books need to be read (most are new)
48. Writing a book is another life goal
49. Pinecar Derbies are awesome
50. Camping is not awesome
51. I prefer the mountains to the beach
52. I've never been drunk and don't care that much for alcohol
53. Margaritas are an exception
54. My iMac brings me joy
55. I have a Miley Cyrus song in my iTunes library
56. Kids would be nice in the very distant future
57. Living abroad is something I dream about
58. Every now and then I dream of being independently wealthy
59. A Lexus iS would be sweet
60. I will probably buy a Honda Fit
61. My car is named Rhonda and I plan on staying together until death do us part
62. Ephraim is one my favorite boy's names
63. Jasmine is one of my favorite girl's names
64. I am hyper competitive at board games
65. I hate it when my roommate beats me at Scrabble because it hurts my ego
66. Vampire Weekend is super white, but super awesome
67. Oxford commas are amazing
68. Rollercoasters bring me joy
69. The ability of Americans to queue up astounds me
70. I can eat an entire 7oz. Hershey's bar in one day
71. Thin Mint girl scout cookies are delicious
72. I spend an unhealthy amount of time on YouTube
73. Cookies in general are a big part of my life
74. I use an aluminum water bottle now
75. This was going to be a 100 item list, but I am tired.

Holidays

2008-12-19T20:56:00.003-06:00

I should really be packing as I head out fairly early tomorrow. Alas, I am always one to procrastinate.

There are a few more big topics that I would like to discuss soon. It will take a while to gather my thoughts so don't expect anything soon. After reviewing some previous posts it came to my attention that the word "I" is used a lot on this blog. While it's understandable, I can't help but think about what my elementary school teachers said about using too many "I's" when writing sentences. They were very much against it.

The recession has hit my company. After a big announcement I am still fortunate enough to have a job. However, if the economy does not turn around there is a good chance I could get the boot. As one of the newest employees in my area there is a good chance I would be the first to go - LIFO style. All I can do now is pack a lunch more often and make sure I am debt free. No need to be broke and unemployed.

Obama's choice of Rick Warren has been on my mind, but I am not too passionate about it. It was very politically savvy.

Tuesday night I saw Milk with a friend of mine. We went along with an older gay couple. While I still have an aversion to gay-themed things, I must confess I had a wonderful evening. I stopped by their place first after work and then we all headed to dinner. After dinner was the movie (highly recommended) followed by conversation at their house. They have been together a decade (if not more) and it was interesting to hear their stories. Like me, they came from very conservative Christian homes. L actually taught in California when Prop 6 was being pushed. He taught in a fundamental Christian school and lived his gay life in secret. He told the story of receiving a teacher of the year award from the school and the proceeding to have a small breakdown afterwards due to the stress of living a "double life". S is very successful at his job and does a lot to help those in need. Still, he is not out to his coworkers and must keep a large part of his life a secret. I found both of these stories sad. Nevertheless they are happy today and it was great to see a non-stereotypical gay couple. It does help give me hope for the future.

This is very random, but I feel like sharing. There is a lot of cheesy Christian music out there, but if you are interested in something high quality I have some recommendations:

Jonny Lang - Turn Around
Jars of Clay - Good Monsters
Jason Morant - Abandon
Jason Morant -Open
Sara Groves - Add to the Beauty

This may sound strange due to my current state of affairs, but I still listen to the music as it comes on my iTunes quite frequently.

See you soon.

Upbeat Update

2008-12-15T19:24:00.002-06:00

I am afraid my posts have been coming off a bit negative lately. Maybe somber would be a more accurate description. In no way do I want to present myself as some "brooding scholar" locked away in his room typing away furiously to capture his random thoughts. That's not me at all! Also, by no stretch of the imagine is my life rough. My roommate teased me the other day and said he sounded like me for "complaining about everything when life is great".

Work continues to go well. I am fortunate to have a job (that I like) and although our company is hurting, I don't feel at risk of losing my job. However, I am going to watch my spending a bit more and try to squirrel away some money in case 2009 does see me unemployed.

My brother is back in the States with his lovely fiancé. They are quite cute together. I bought her a couple of sweaters since Mexico is a bit warmer than here. She loved them and said I have great taste, what can I say? She also wondered why my brother did not dress as nice as me. I found it amusing. Having extra money to spend on wardrobe is quite nice.

I am going to get a new haircut! My hair is not that styleable, but I think I can make a new look work. For those of you know me in real life (if you even care) I will try to include a new photo when I relaunch my Facebook account. Wow, that whole paragraph was really vain.

Plans for moving next spring have been set! A coworker needs a roommate and I think it will work splendidly. Now, I can see the worried look on some of your faces. There will not be any conflicts with work. She works in a different building (across town) and reports to a completely different management team.

Next month I am going to the optometrist and getting new frames. This always excites me.

This week at work we are having a door decorating contest. I have gotten very into it. It's going to be great!

This morning I intentionally mismatched my socks. This was to counter the socks I unintentionally mismatched last week. One was tan, the other cocoa.

Saturday the family leaves for vacation! This is only the third family vacation we have ever had and the second I can remember. My brother and I told my parents we were going to have a marathon session of Disney parks to make up for the crushed dreams of our youth.

The Wall-E soundtrack is delightful.

That is all.

Faith

2008-12-14T21:45:00.000-06:00

"'You are accepted. You are accepted, accepted by that which is greater than you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything now; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything; do not perform anything; do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact that you are accepted!' If that happens to us, we experience grace. After such an experience we may not be better than before, and we may not believe more than before. But everything is transformed. In that moment, grace conquers sin, and reconciliation bridges the gulf of estrangement. And nothing is demanded of this experience, no religious or moral or intellectual presupposition, nothing but acceptance".

I have experienced grace. What I mean is the feeling above described by Paul Tillich. My experience with grace came last Easter. I was coming out of a spiritual funk and during church I started crying. It was during the time that I was ready to come out to my family and the emotion was overwhelming. I was sad, angry, and confused, but the feeling of grace overwhelmed me and I knew everything would be okay.

Amazing Grace. For a long time I never really understood that song and felt weird singing about it because I did not like to admit that I was a wretch. I never felt like a bad guy. Of course, I know I am not perfect. I guess I just felt that saying you were a wretch was a bit harsh. Plus, from where I stood I was morally superior to most of the people in my life.

Now my faith is radically different than it was before. It lacks the black and white that I had before. I fought through nihilism over the summer to reach the point I am at today. However, I am not sure where that is.

I grew up in a very conservative Christian home. The fall from this conservative Christianity was brutal. I just finished reading a great book by Peter Gomes: The Scandalous Gospel of Jesus. It was written for people new to the Christian faith and to people like me who have fallen out of conservative/evangelical Christianity. I can't think of anything in particular I took away from it, but nevertheless I recommend it. I have a hard time evaluating my previous Christian faith. I know it was quite self-centered and immature and dealt a lot with me failing in sin (being attracted to guys) and asking God to heal me. A lot of it was me being angry at God for withholding my dreams from me. I thought he was punishing me. However, my firm belief in there being "a plan (Providence)" allowed me to bear the suffering for years. My faith was also about works, and I tried to be a force for good in the world. However, I don't know how much of that was really tied to Christianity.

Today I am trying to live a moral life. I find this is a lot harder than I ever imagined. It requires, like Jesus said, "mercy not sacrifice". This does not mean that sacrifice is unnecessary, it just means mercy trumps it. I am now much more cognizant of my actions and the way my life impacts others. I have always had a passion for volunteering and a soft spot for immigrants. I'm working on increasing the time I give to others. Now that my life has become more devoted to morality I wonder what's the point? If there is no God, I don't believe in salvation through Jesus Christ, and I am highly skeptical about there being anything after this life, why should I care about this world? Shouldn't I just do everything I can to ensure my security, protection, and comfort?

No. I love creation. I want to build community. I want to share grace with the world. I want to usher in a messianic age (to borrow from Reform Judaism). Many people say that you can't be moral without believing in God. Maybe that's true. Maybe atheists don't know the source of their goodness.

I don't believe in cheap grace. It seems to me that many Christians (myself included) have a tendency to do immoral things and treat them as a "stumble", but that's all well and good because Jesus forgives. Now that Jesus has lost that role in my life, I find all of my decisions have a lot more gravity. Before I speak a slanderous word I mull it over. I realize that I will be living with the consequences. I can't just hide my conscience behind the cross.

I very much want to be a follower of Christ and I very much want to believe in God. However, I don't really believe in the theistic God that I held on to for so long. I also don't buy into the doctrine and dogma peddled by the church over the millennia. Lately I am especially irked by Augustine, Calvin, and rapture "theology". I feel so much hatred simmering when it comes to evangelical Christians and fundamentalists. I want to wake them up but would hate for their beliefs to crumble as mine have. It's not like I have anything better to offer them.

I like religion. I really, really do. I am a constant seeker and studier. I still pray, though prayer life has been severely damaged by my feeling of God's departure. Seeing all the hate and ignorance in the world I often wonder if it would just be better to jettison religion altogether. However, I am not the biggest fan of secularism.

This post didn't go anywhere and I am sorry to be so bitter and blunt.

I will leave you with one thing to mull over. During church today we talked about how easy it is to "love humanity, but no one in particular". So true.

Nothing Better?

2008-12-11T21:49:00.003-06:00

I want to welcome the handful of new readers who know me in real life and are now reading this blog. To the left you will notice I have diversified my links. Enjoy.

A few weeks ago I was reading this article and was caught off-guard by this line:

"And, just as JPL pitched in to help create Wall-E, now the movie's DVD release will help NASA name its newest robot: NASA announced a naming contest for its Mars Science Laboratory rover scheduled for launch in 2009. This will be JPL's biggest robot to date -- about the size of a compact car, compared to the kitchen table-size Phoenix."

"Kitchen table-size?" How big is that? What kind of measurement system is that? Does this table have leaves? How many? Is it a table in a formal dining room? Is it eat-in kitchen size or breakfast nook size? I am not satisfied with this description!

I thought this was a rather odd, yet hilarious way to describe an object's size.

This I Believe

2008-12-08T20:07:00.000-06:00

"God is dead". Nietzsche's famous declaration. I wondered how on earth anyone could have the audacity to utter those words. How arrogant! What a poor, lost soul...

Ironically, I am here today to make the same statement. However, it must be tweaked to say "god is dead" for the God I worshiped so long was an idol. He was an old man god, anthropomorphic, picking up fallen sparrows and doling out wrath and smitings.

As I continue on my "faith journey" (conservative Christian vocabulary) I am unsure of where I am going.

However, there are a few things I do believe. I believe in resurrection; new life from what was once a corpse. I have seen and felt it in my own life. I believe in casting off the things that have weighed us down. I believe in humility. I believe in charity. I believe in justice. I believe in mercy. I believe in grace. I believe that despite evidence to the contrary there is more to life than what we see. I believe in transcendence. Tomorrow offers hope. Tomorrow offers new life. With resurrection comes insurrection, a casting off of the old order and the building of something new and better.

As I have mentioned before, God and I have been wrestling it out, and I think I have emerged from the fight, limping and a bit disoriented, but understanding things I never did before.

I will not apply a label to what I am now: atheist, agnostic, deist, christian atheist, Christian, liberal Christian, liberal Quaker - I don't think any of these are fully applicable.

This has not been easy. I have always considered myself an intelligent person and have pursued understanding and knowledge with a passion. However, it appears I had neglected to apply this same trait to religion. I will not fault my parents for raising me in a conservative Christian home. They were doing what they thought was best. Growing up there was no "metaphorical" interpretation of biblical events. As a child I converted cubits to feet to see if a full-size brontosaurus would fit on the ark. God really led his people out of Egypt with a pillar of fire and a pillar of smoke. Jesus was coming and the rapture was real. A younger me would often fear Jesus would come before I had a chance to grow up and that I would not get to experience being an adult.

I have come a long way from the faith I had as a child, yet I don't know what or where I am going to end up. Atheists seem so arrogant and agnostics so Charlie Brownish in their convictions.

All I know is this:

"Lord, we ain't what we want to be; we ain't what we ought to be; we ain't what we gonna be, but, thank God, we ain't what we was."

Worst Side

2008-12-07T19:14:00.001-06:00

I recently made a new acquaintance. During the course of our conversations I found out his parents are building a house. They own a business in town and appear to have a decent amount of money. It turns out the price of the house they are building is between 2-4 million dollars (by my estimates). Knowing this sparked an intense jealousy. I started looking at houses online that were in a similar price range and began fantasizing about buying one. It was absurd.

The biggest struggle I currently face is overcoming my desire to buy things. I am hyper-materialistic. I love things. Shiny, new things. I will openly confess that I also want money, lots and lots of money. I can easily see myself becoming a millionaire and traveling the world floating from one luxury hotel to another.

The question that arises is why? Why do I want all this stuff? There are two main reasons. The first is to impress people. I enjoy complements and desire people to admire the crap I own. Second, a part of me still thinks things will make me happy. It's true. I feel entitled to things that will "make my life wonderful". Funny, my DVD collection contains movies never watched, and the Wii with several awesome titles sits unused. The idea that these things are adding value to my life is nonsense. Any joy they bring is fleeting.

I used to attribute my financial blessings to God and was so wrapped up in praising the blessing I kind of forgot about the source. I cannot begin to describe the changes that have occurred in my heart over the past 4 years. Back then I would not have realized how immature I was. I am quite certain that future Joseph looking back 4 years from now will be equally astonished at the growth that has occurred.

My motto for 2009 is "Here's to less". There is no need to purchase everything my heart desires. Soothing existential emptiness with stuff is idiotic. Drawing the line about how much constitutes "less" is still tough. What constitutes "enough" to where I don't feel the things I have are causing me to live immorally? I very much like my Burt's Bee's lip balm, J. Crew peacoat, and P.F. Chang crispy honey chicken. Also, a new digital SLR camera is hopefully in my future.

In seeking an answer to this question about balancing giving and having I asked my father. For several weeks I had been debating buying a new peacoat. I ended up buying it but was torn for quite some time. Lately, giving has not been the priority I had told myself it would be. In talking to my father he made the statement "it's not the coat's fault". Buying the coat does not prevent me from giving to the poor. It does not prevent me from volunteering or helping widows and orphans. He also stated guilt should not motivate my giving. Referencing the sermon on the mount he implied that the hand that shops should not know what the hand that is helping those in need is doing. I love my parents.

Moving forward I will strive to have a more generous heart. Slowly but surely I will keep changing and growing into the person I want to be. Hopefully the worst side of me can slowly be killed.

Changes

2008-12-05T22:00:00.001-06:00

9 months.

It is amazing how much has changed in such a short period of time. In 2006 I came out to the first person ever. It was a girl I had become best friends with. Everyone thought we were going to get married. In fact, I spent a lot of time agonizing over whether or not to marry her. That's another story for another day, maybe.

Fast forward to now. I am relatively comfortable with my sexuality and more and more people know. This has moved from consuming all of my thoughts and energy to just being a part of who I am.

It has been interesting growing as an individual. It has been painful.

After regaining my sanity and mending my soul I was still left in the midst of rubble. Most of my dreams had gone up in flames. The fire consumed the dream of a wife and kids, my midtown home, hosting the church home group, my heirs. However, it did not stop there. It continued to consume my faith and all the assumptions and convictions I had previously held.

I refuse to live life afraid of the future. Daily I will strive to overcome cynicism and my own ego in order to make a positive impact on the world.

November Recap

2008-11-30T13:34:00.000-06:00

I have decided to resume my posting by catching you up on what has happened while I have been away.

First off, I was not as successful during NANOWRIMO as I had hoped. However, I did much better than I did than last year.

The reactions to the outcome of the election almost caused me to lose all hope in humanity. If I had to read one more Facebook status mentioning "how far we strayed" as a nation in God's eyes I would have lost my mind or been arrested for assaulting horribly misguided people with a big stick.

I was convicted this month about my spending by a friend who rarely offers critique. I am redoubling my efforts to get out of debt. The fact that I have any right now is a shame.

Facebook and I decided to take a break. I will probably come back in 2009, but we just needed some time apart. I was spending an unhealthy amount of time on it and needed to disengage.

I did something I don't regret, but I do regret the motivation for doing it. I asked someone out for the first time. I was rejected, but not offended or hurt. He was gracious and I have learned an important lesson about listening to myself instead of the voices of others. I will also not let jealousy of others lead to me to such rash decisions in the future.

I have finally decided that the idea of me buying a house is utterly ridiculous. I do not need to take on that burden and at the age of 22 there is no need for me to own a house in the first place.

I am headed out of town for work and it's going to be cold and snowy. I bought some gloves.

I have been thinking a lot about faith/God/religion lately and will probably be posting a few things that I have written over the past few weeks.

It's good to be back.

Redirecting

2008-10-31T18:02:00.002-05:00

I had planned on composing a beautiful farewell post as I take a break for the month of November. However, that will not be happening. I am too tired so this will have to suffice.

I flew back from Ohio today. It was much nicer than anticipated and I am eager to return. On the flight back I was in a good mood and feeling a little romantic. I better bust out Pride and Prejudice!

After seeing a parade of 6 year olds in adorable Halloween costumes, I have decided I want to have kids someday. Well, I am least open to it. We will see what happens.

There will be much to talk about when I return (I assume), but in the meantime all of my energy will be redirected this month into a special project. I will most likely cheat and save posts to draft, but NO PUBLISHING. I must remain strong.

Goodnight and good luck.

Unitarian

2008-10-27T20:00:00.000-05:00

Despite my change in faith, religious community is still important to me. So are many Christian ideals, the greatest being love. I am going to work diligently to remain in community. That said, today I went to a Unitarian Church here in Memphis.

Church of The River is located on the banks of the Mississippi and from the sanctuary you can see the river as well as the bridge trains use to cross (it's pretty darn impressive). The covenant of the church affirms:

"The purpose of this church shall be to promote the high ideals of a rational, progressive, and exalting religion, in the love of God and in service to our fellow human beings, and to hold regular church services in this community. To this end all activities of the church shall be conducted without distinctions related to race, color, or previous religious affiliation; and the right of private judgment and the sacredness of individual conviction shall be recognized in all things".

Unitarian Universalist churches do not subscribe to any doctrine or dogma. The goal is the growing of souls and to know in deeper ways what is good and true, beautiful and holy, and what they require of us in our daily living and service to others.

Needless to say, I was a bit apprehensive. It sounded like it could have cult potential or at the very least be full of wacky, hippie liberals.

As I walked up I was a bit nervous. They had a welcome team that I passed by. They were chatting and standing next to a big bulletin board type stand full of nametags. Everyone at the church has a nametag. After exploring a bit I turned back and asked them if I should get a visitor's tag. They provided me one and told me where to go.

As I sat waiting I was struck by how old the people in the congregation were. At first I was afraid nobody under the age of 50 was going to be coming in. Even by the end of the service I saw only two people who may have been my age. At the church I am a member of, there are very few people over the age of 50. In fact, nearly all are in their 20's and 30's. Also, my current church is pretty diverse race wise, but the Unitarian church was a bit white.

I was not used to the hymns or the communal reading. Having last experienced that over a decade ago when we attended a Presbyterian church, the slow nature of the service caught me off guard. The actual sermon was short, but good. It was odd not hearing references to Christ and sacrifice, but it was a good message. It was uplifting and made me think.

Something very odd did happen while I was there. As I was greeting my neighbors, I asked the lady on my right how long she had been coming here. She replied "forever, I was born Unitarian". This blew me away. I must say, while I understand the concept of people having different religions (three of my best friends are Sikh, Muslim, and Hindu) a part of me still feels these are people who have rejected the divinity of Christ and are living with some inner conflict about leaving the one true religion. I know that sounds odd, but it's true. I suppose I assume everyone has had some extended dark night of the soul like me, and emerged with a new, albeit different, faith.

I don't know if I will be going back in the future. Next Sunday I am helping throw a gala! Therefore, I will not be attending church. I will be headed out of town for the remainder of the week, so I will post this coming weekend. Pura vida.

Stale End

2008-10-26T13:20:00.002-05:00

I have a terrible habit of wasting too much time online. I am working to curb this with mild success. Facebook usage is down considerably and I am striving to reduce the amount of time I spend checking my e-mail and house hunting on the web.

I know I need to leave my church, but I don't want to. I don't know where else to go and I don't want to be without a meaningful religious community. Also, we have not even had a falling out. The sermon on homosexuality was surprisingly moderate with an emphasis on welcoming those in the "homosexual lifestyle". I am the one who changed. I must move on.

Change is hard. I don't like it. At church I serve on the welcome team and set up the tables for coffee twice a month. I enjoy it. Everyone at the church is friendly and a dozen of my friends are regular attendees. The teaching is solid for a church that believes in a literal Garden of Eden and whose OT training spoke of Saul speaking to a ghost and the sun standing still as actual events. (They also stated the destruction in Joshua was God treating sin like cancer. It must be eradicated before it spreads.)

I have to tell the Welcome Team coordinator that I am leaving, but I have not worked up the courage. It's like when I had to tell my piano teacher I was quitting lessons. A sense of dread and guilt built up inside.

A part of me thinks I should keep going. I would not have to lie to my parents or provide some excuse when they ask where I went to church when we meet up for Sunday lunch. I also could still see my friends and not have to face the challenge and uncertainty of finding new community.

However, this is silly. I can't sing the praise songs anymore. I can't get riled up about the evils of "moral relativism" and pluralism. I can't keep pretending I agree with their doctrine. I can't keep skipping every communion Sunday.

I know this is kind of negative, but I assure you I will be working to keep it upbeat in the future. Soon I shall start chronicling my adventures in church searching. Stay tuned.

Weekends!

2008-10-25T00:05:00.002-05:00

I must say, weekends have become much more magical now that I work M-F, 9-5.

I really have the best intentions of delving into serious subjects but I keep putting it off.

Life right now is pretty grand but I am constantly struggling to be a better version of myself on a daily basis. I just take it a day at a time and realize it is not my job to save the whole world. I work to be a better friend, son, brother, neighbor, and employee.

Tonight I saw High School Musical 3. It was great. It's nothing Oscar-worthy, but it was entertaining.