On Faith

A question I've been pondering as I take the time to search my heart is "why?" Why do I act the way I do, say the things I say, believe the things I believe? What are my motivations?

As I grapple with questions of "faith" (such an obtuse word, isn't it?) I wonder what's the point. Why am I so obsessed with finding answers and what does it mean for me?

Last December I went to Downtown Disney with my Aunt, Uncle, cousin (three years old), and my Aunt's mother. Downtown Disney is a rather amazing tribute to materialism. It's a family friendly (with the exception of a few bars/clubs) destination where you can eat, shop, and be entertained. They even have a theatre featuring Cirque Du Soleil. Full disclosure: I love malls and shopping. I don't think this fact has been hidden on this blog. Downtown Disney was great!

Anyhow, the parking lots were PACKED. We drove and drove searching for an empty spot. My Aunt's mother said a prayer for us to find a spot and lo' and behold we found one. She told my cousin (her granddaughter) to observe how Jesus was listening.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. REALLY? Jesus is helping find a f*ing parking space so we can spend money on things we don't need, made by people who are probably living in squalor? This is God's will? Faith is about finding a parking space in a crowded mall? I was so horribly distraught and this experience has been haunting me ever since.

Faith has got to be about love, nothing else. Our ultimate concern must be love. Unfiltered, unconditional love. I think that's what Christianity was/is about. That's a Christianity I love and the reason I can't seem to tear myself away from it.

However, I think we have so corrupted this love. Loving people for no reason/reward is hogwash! We all know that. We must add in heaven and hell. We have to serve God and love people so that we will go to heaven (works based), or grace alone must provide our personal salvation. Of course, we know heaven is waiting for us. When we get there it will be so fantastic to peer over the guard rails and see all those heathens and sinners roasting below, that will show them!

What happened to unconditional love? What happened to goodness for goodness sake? How has morality become so corrupted and religion transformed into personal piety instead of saving a dying world?

Let me perfectly clear. I love religion. I honestly do. Also, I must be very clear in stating the faith that I had (and still have) is all about love. While I did for many years also believe that God would take away my sexual attraction to guys, that was not what my faith was primarily about. Spreading God's love and transforming the world was/is my passion. Unfortunately, through my studies of Christianity I reached the conclusion that I was not really a Christian. A Christian must be someone who believes in a literal resurrection, atonement, and a deity who is actively working in the world. This has caused my loss of "faith".

I no longer believe in a God who is intervening in my daily activities. This loss has been traumatic. For now I believe in agape love, which takes faith. It's not the same as saying life is meaningless. I don't think it is, I just think you have to find meaning. Everything is not vanity, as it may feel and seem at times. Our only options are not suicide or getting high to overcome our existential dilemma. I think you can lead a faithful life. I think you can commit to change. I think you can commit to love.

No, it's not easy, no it's not convenient. Yes, it feels stupid sometimes. You feel like a sucker. You think: "Why the hell am I trying to love these ungrateful idiots? What's the point? I should just go shopping, maybe get some ice cream. I'm sure these people will work things out for themselves."

When I talk about Jesus and God I realize that everyone comes with their own preconceived notions and beliefs. When I mention God and Jesus we probably are talking about entirely different concepts. There is the temptation to say that I have fallen away from Christ and am just recreating him to make him more palatable. "He comes with a sword! He is coming again to restore order. He wants you to repent and come to Him." My question is, what then? You keep him close and pray for parking spots? You wait for the the end days with your RSVP for Heaven? Surely faith requires more than this. Surely it means doing something. Surely Jesus is a call to action, not a source of guilt and in the same token a way to assuage it.

My father told me and my brother that "we lived in a haze". It was when I was in high school and I was incensed! "Live in a haze? I know a lot! I am in the Top 10 of my class! I've read a ton of the classics, I know Calculus, I am so wordly". Only now do I understand his words and realize how much of a haze I live in. How carefully I've crafted this world of illusion around me.

At times I have been driven to the brink. I obsess about the meaning of life and the reality that I won't (and may never) understand. I become overly melancholy until I snap out of it and realize how absolutely selfish and idiotic I am. PEOPLE ARE DYING. PEOPLE ARE STARVING. RIGHT NOW! Here I am, so self-absorbed in my cozy apartment with my HD satellite, iMac, car, corporate job, organic fruit, iPod, cell phone, 40'' tv, and $200 peacoat, WHINING! How do I look myself in the mirror?

And yet, here I am blogging. Talking instead of doing. When I do put love in action it's at a slower pace than I want it to be. I feel like I should be saving the world and should see the fruits of my labor immediately. Unfortunately that's not the way it works. It takes patience and small steps.

I pray for the courage to defy tradition and the backwards ambition of the world. Let me get over my own ego enough to be radical. To change. To continue to be moved to action. Amen.

Scarcity

A couple of announcements:

• I've been editing my links a bit. If you have been added and would like me to remove you please leave me a comment letting me know. I will not take it personally.

• The Fiction Family cd is pretty great. It's really been growing on me and I suggest you Google them.

• Being away for two weeks means you have a lot of trivial little things to catch up on that end up taking a lot of time

As you know, I am a recovering "stuffaholic". I still struggle with the insane idea that things will bring me happiness and am constantly working to cut back on my consumption. I'm doing better, but there is always room to improve.

I've discovered that a part of my problem is a concern that I won't have enough. The other night I went to the movies and decided to get popcorn. Before heading to the concession stand I told myself that I would buy a small Cherry Coke and small popcorn. That's all. It would be a sufficient and responsible quantity. I'm pretty sure I have never finished an entire large bucket of popcorn and knew this night would not be an exception. The large popcorn is simply too much. However, as I approached the line I was overcome by irrational thoughts:

"It's only .75 cents more!"
"Look at how much popcorn there is!"
"Steven may want some." (As if Steven could really eat half the bucket).

I caved. I bought the big popcorn. Why? I think the reason was I thought it was a good deal and I wanted to make sure I had enough. Of course, it is not a good deal when it's unnecessary, when it's extra, when you can't consume it. I ended up bringing the leftover popcorn home and it spilled all over my back seat. Additionally, I think I cracked a tooth on a kernel when I ate some later on at the apartment. In conclusion, this gluttony and irrational concern of not having enough caused me to vacuum out my car and go to the dentist.

Buried Hatchets

I apologize if this appears to be a repeat in your Google reader. It kind of is. I had to make some edits.

This afternoon I got to spend time with a girl I care about a lot. She is someone I hurt as I came to terms with my sexuality last year. I feared it would be awkward and painful. It was not. It was actually quite pleasant and there was a sense of peace about our relationship. What a pleasant surprise when something you think is going to be terrible turns out the opposite.

We had a freak snow storm here. I ended up being trapped at my friend's house after unsuccessfully trying to drive home last night.

As the temperature warms up I have decided that running is going to be my exercise of choice. Wish me luck.

Saturday night I played my first drinking game. I had a negative attitude about it at first, but it ended up being really fun. As I don't really like alcohol, Sprite and Coke were my two primary drinks. Therefore, I do declare that drinking games can be fun even when completely sober. It was a shock to me.

Edit:

So, the snow storm ended up trapping my friend here. She stayed at my apartment where we watched The Last Mimzy and talked. It was a great conversation. Lots of serious things but lots of laughter too. It was just fantastic all around.

Also, last night I saw the The Watchmen. It was good, but I have not read the graphic novel so had nothing to compare it to.

Ciao.

Away

I've got two things I really want to talk about, but I am taking my time. Therefore, don't expect anything especially deep from this site anytime soon. Of course, by "deep" I mean teen-angsty.

Life here continues. I'm still working on getting my debts paid off, but I feel bad because I am one of those Americans cutting back on spending when what the economy really needs is spending. Therefore, I am also making an effort to spend on frivolous things and entertainment.

I went to another UU church a couple of weeks ago. It was okay, but I don't think I will be back. Why I suppose I'm pretty liberal, I'm not that liberal. Hahaha.

The change in weather has allowed my to run a couple of times. Additionally, I played Wii Fit at my parent's house. It said I was 33. I was very much hurt considering I am 22. Boo that.

I'll be away for a couple of weeks on business raking in the Hhonors points (and working). I may get to go hiking though I don't really want to do it alone. I have not been hiking in about 10 years (except for "hiking" I've done abroad) but I asuume I still love it. Chances are I will end up driving around taking pictures and exploring some of the small towns instead.

I don't know why I am being cryptic about where I am going. This blog is not really that anonymous anymore.

Anyhow, the world keeps spinning. I keep growing (however painful it is). Goals keep getting set and met. And the quest to love continues.

I hope life is good for you.

Insanity

Every now and then I get a crazy idea. After a conversation with a friend earlier this week I briefly considered becoming a vegetarian. Then I remembered that lunch meat and Chick-Fil-A compose approximately 60% of my diet. Oh well. Maybe I will strive for vegetarian Tuesdays or something.

A few weeks ago I thought I should train for a half-marathon. After getting up fairly early (for a Saturday) and nearly killing myself on a pathetically short run, I realized the insanity of this idea. I've also been trying to cut out carbs. Unfortunately my love of waffle fries and Sunkist thwarts me.

What's a boy to do?

Well, I actually am not going hide behind excuses. I am going to start exercising more and eating healthier. I am not going to buy into the either-or fallacy. Either I become a vegetarian or I am unhealthy. Either I run a marathon or sit on my butt getting fat. A move towards moderation is in order.

In other news, I was supposed to post a video of the image stabilization feature in the new iMovie 09. Sadly, my video clip was too wobbly! It could not be stabilized. I will say the new iMovie is VASTLY improved. It's a lot more intuitive.

Have an amazing weekend.

Oh, and go see Coraline in 3D. It's fantastic.

Vanity

I was going to take the time to make an announcement about another hiatus. Then I realized that I have an audience of approximately 5, so that would just be silly. Also, I am not really going on another hiatus. I'm simply reducing the volume of my posting.

This weekend I am going to join a gym. After having my old pastor's wife complement my appearance and then add "you look live you've been feeding yourself well" in addition to not being to wear a tie due to the fact my neck has outgrown my dress shirts, I have got to start working out. The situation will become increasingly dire if I continue to ignore it.

Life here has been increasingly busy. This month I will be on the road quite a bit so I'm attempting to get my stuff in order before my departure.

That said, there are e-mails to respond to, letters to write, packages to send, errands to run, people to meet, clothes to buy, and many loose ends to wrap up before I leave.

Clarification

During a brief chat with a friend, I realized that I may be giving the wrong impression about how I got to where I am, and what exactly I believe. In this conversation my friend stated that he didn't know why by beliefs seemed to falter, to paraphrase, he could only see that I had become fed up with how other Christians acted. This, I know, is not an adequate reason for me to have a change in faith.

So here goes:

Reconciling Christianity and homosexuality became a major issue for me last spring. I could not stop reading about it. I read all sorts of books both Side A and Side B. I found the former quite wacky and the latter unsatisfying as well. I knew I must make a choice and that ultimately I could not find the answer in a book. For clarification, I do not think being attracted to guys is a sin and I do not think that sex within the context of committed, long-term relationships is immoral. Anyhow, what reading these books taught me is how little I knew about Christianity, church history, or the bible itself. It also opened up a whole new world of historical/critical analysis when it comes to the bible.

From this I started exploring my faith. Websites, books, DVD's, and the bible itself served as guides. I began really, really investigating. I had so many questions and doubts that had to be addressed. Never did I think I would move from my moderate faith to being somewhat godless.

Until last year I was ignorant. Absolutely ignorant. I didn't even know what words like eschatology, apologetics, Arminianism, or Calvinism meant. While my faith before had been about serving God I suppose I had always shied away from getting caught up in all the "religious" aspects of it. I was content with silently disagreeing or questioning without really pushing. For instance, I always had a problem with how the three major religions diverged after the OT. I was also a bit wary of some of the things in the New Testament like atonement. Also, I had a hard time feeling sadness for the crucifixion of Jesus if it was all God's divine plan anyway. However, I would suppress these doubts and work on other aspects of my faith, like loving more.

Unfortunately, I think after reading Religious Literacy, I could not stop trying to be religiously literate. I read and read (and am still reading). Figures like the early martyrs, Origen, Augustine, Calvin, Wesley, Luther, Paul, Josephus, and Tillich were all introduced to me. Before, I had a very light understanding of who these men and women were. In fact, I am still researching and reading the writings of many of them.

While I will admit the deterioration of my former faith was quicker than I had anticipated, the roads became closed off to me and there was no going back.

All this said, I by no means think that "I'm enlightened and loving, and people who adhere to doctrines are not" as it appears I may have presented myself.

What I am is seeking. I am a finite human trying to wrestle with big questions (like the meaning of life). Most of my friends are Christian, my family is Christian, the majority of my coworkers are Christian. I don't look down on them and judge them. Most people don't ever have any external force push them into critically evaluating their beliefs. Also, I don't think that they are all in bondage to religion and serving God solely to avoid eternal torment. That would be naive and arrogant.

That said, I must be vocal about things that are dead wrong. Calvinism and rapture "theology" are my two primary pet peeves. I suppose you can believe in Calvin's god, but to quote a friend, he is a monster. Any God that creates a being, against its will, and then banishes it to eternal hell is not loving. You can't give the cop-out answer of "we just don't understand" or the bullshit response of Eve eating a piece of fruit. These are intellectually and morally bankrupt. As far as the rapture, I don't know what's going to happen in the "end times", or after I die. I do know that Left Behind is NOT the way it will go down and there will not be some antichrist leading the nations.

Now, I absolutely hate it when people define themselves by what they don't like, don't believe, don't do, etc. I refuse to be one of those people. This means that my search will continue. While I may not find some new label, I do hope to find a faith I can share. Something that gives my life meaning, solves my existential crisis, and causes me to grow into a better, more mature, and more loving human being.

So, I am essentially starting from scratch. Moving from my inadequate theism, through this dark night of the soul, towards a destination currently unknown. I'm a ship that has left the harbor towards some distant port that may or may not exist. But it's all in the journey anyway, right?