I feel so much better than I did yesterday! I think whatever was in the air is moving out.
I am sitting here in my office (putting off some work) and the walls are covered in peace signs and photos of animals. A couple of years ago I mentioned to my co-workers that I hate peace and animals. It's been added to the official quote board and they decided to incorporate it into this year's birthday decor. It cracks me up.
I have several topics that I want to discuss, but I don't really feel like it right now. Today I am living for today and putting my philosophizing on hold. It's one of those few days when tomorrow is not really a pressing concern. I finished my last exam ever (undergraduate), got an excellent grade on my paper, ran into a friend and had an awesome conversation, am celebrating my birthday, and am going to what promises to be a very interesting bible study tonight. Today is awesome.
Just for a teaser, upcoming posts will include topics such as "What is Sin", "What If...", and "Stigma". Stay tuned!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Slightly Overwhelmed, but Still Optimistic
Hello.
I must confess that this post may venture towards gloomy. There are several contributing factors. Let me lay them out for you (while simultaneously putting off studying for my last final).
1. I am sick. This is probably the biggest factor. My allergies are out of control. I am in one of the worst places for allergy sufferers in the country. My throat is scratchy, and I am having trouble sleeping. My physiological well-being is highly linked to my psychological well-being. When I feel better physically, I will most definitely be more cheery. I guess I am just a baby when it comes to being sick.
2. I am a little sad about graduating. While I am definitely ready and tired of school, I am going to miss the place. I am going to have to start making new friends and continue to say good-bye to those who are moving away. It's a natural part of life, but just because it is natural does not make it easy.
3. Family Acceptance. I am going to be having a "30 Days" talk with the family to see how they are coming along with everything. I don't think I ever talked about coming out to them on my blog. Let's just say it went ok, but could have gone better. They would pretty much only be supportive of me if I remain single the rest of my life (well, at least as of 30 days ago). We have gone out as a family since I came out, but we have not really addressed the homosexuality thing. I feel like it has been the white elephant in every room.
4. Finding my voice/beliefs. First off, I know coming out was the right decision. I prayed, reflected, and read the Bible for 30 days before I decided to tell my family (plus, I was semi-out to myself for the past 8 years). Additionally, there were some other signs that confirmed it was the right thing to do. Since I have come out I have been able to let go of so much bitterness that had been afflicting my soul. I was angry at God and myself. I had spent so long repressing my feelings and being disgusted with myself. I had exhausted myself praying for healing and a heterosexual orientation and was left isolated and in despair. I was on an emotional roller coaster for so long. I feel so much healthier mentally and have never felt God like I do now. I am passionate about seeking Him everyday and it's an exciting journey. I am receiving healing everyday as I learn to love and my soul mends itself from the self-inflicted wounds.
5. The Future. While I attempt to not dwell on the future it has a nasty habit of forcing itself to the forefront of my thoughts. Right now the thoughts are how I will rise above the tradition and prejudice as more people find out about my orientation. Am I strong enough to face the hatred and rejection that will certainly come from my acquaintances (and potentially some friends and family)? For so long people have put me on a pedestal (sorry if this sounds prideful). I am an Honors Student, "Poster-Child" Christian, Active Student Leader, Deacons' Son, Star Employee, and more. What will these people think when they know the truth? For many, they will think sin has taken control and that I have been overcome with lust.
6. Relationships (Romantic). I firmly believe that God will provide whatever relationships I need. When I first came out I had every intention of dating, and am still open to the idea of relationship. However, due to the reactions of friends and family I kept pandering to them and never really mentioned this. I was afraid of rejection.
How will I know the right time to date? How will I approach it? How will I overcome prejudice? Will I find someone with my conservative stances? How do I separate love from lust? Am I just in love with the idea of being in love? What compromises should I make? How do I make a lifetime commitment? What physical contact is appropriate? Will a relationship weaken or strengthen my relationship with God?
I have been praying everyday for God's will to be done in my life. This is a major change from previous prayers where I was ashamed and not convinced God would be able to use me. Of course, I had a very limited understanding of Grace and Love before. In fact, I am saddened by how I had allowed my shame to separate me from the love of God.
One last thing. I feel like being honest and that means I may border on soapbox/rant. Over the last few years I was convinced that I could not be Gay and Christian. In fact, I was on the brink of abandoning my faith twice. However, I was called back by God. This made me so confused. I thought it meant that I must have to fight harder. I needed to read more Christian Literature, pray for more healing, worship a little harder. Why would God call me back and still make me attracted to guys? I had to have the dross (homosexuality) burned away. I prayed non-stop. Still, nothing changed. It's all I wanted. It was pretty much the focus of my entire spiritual life. It, in conjuction with other factors, led to depression and a desire to stop living. For months I became obsessed with wanting to die, not wanting to face the future. Later I decided that I would just lock away my emotions and sexuality. This worked for awhile. Then a series of events occurred that made me unable to maintain the facade. That's when all of my plans went up in flames. My plans for a wife (I was very close to proposing to my best friend), plans for a home, plans for the future. These plans that I was told God wanted for me, and that I therefore contrived, were gone. Standing among the rubble and ash, I now realize that the dross was not my homosexuality. The dross was all of the misguided things I had done to earn God's love. The man I was just months ago had a soul that was broken, and I was dead inside. All I had was a brilliantly scrubbed sepulcher. I did such a good job that very few people knew of my struggles.
---
I will resume my story later. I feel like putting it all out there. I have found the truth to be quite liberating as of late. Goodbye.
I must confess that this post may venture towards gloomy. There are several contributing factors. Let me lay them out for you (while simultaneously putting off studying for my last final).
1. I am sick. This is probably the biggest factor. My allergies are out of control. I am in one of the worst places for allergy sufferers in the country. My throat is scratchy, and I am having trouble sleeping. My physiological well-being is highly linked to my psychological well-being. When I feel better physically, I will most definitely be more cheery. I guess I am just a baby when it comes to being sick.
2. I am a little sad about graduating. While I am definitely ready and tired of school, I am going to miss the place. I am going to have to start making new friends and continue to say good-bye to those who are moving away. It's a natural part of life, but just because it is natural does not make it easy.
3. Family Acceptance. I am going to be having a "30 Days" talk with the family to see how they are coming along with everything. I don't think I ever talked about coming out to them on my blog. Let's just say it went ok, but could have gone better. They would pretty much only be supportive of me if I remain single the rest of my life (well, at least as of 30 days ago). We have gone out as a family since I came out, but we have not really addressed the homosexuality thing. I feel like it has been the white elephant in every room.
4. Finding my voice/beliefs. First off, I know coming out was the right decision. I prayed, reflected, and read the Bible for 30 days before I decided to tell my family (plus, I was semi-out to myself for the past 8 years). Additionally, there were some other signs that confirmed it was the right thing to do. Since I have come out I have been able to let go of so much bitterness that had been afflicting my soul. I was angry at God and myself. I had spent so long repressing my feelings and being disgusted with myself. I had exhausted myself praying for healing and a heterosexual orientation and was left isolated and in despair. I was on an emotional roller coaster for so long. I feel so much healthier mentally and have never felt God like I do now. I am passionate about seeking Him everyday and it's an exciting journey. I am receiving healing everyday as I learn to love and my soul mends itself from the self-inflicted wounds.
5. The Future. While I attempt to not dwell on the future it has a nasty habit of forcing itself to the forefront of my thoughts. Right now the thoughts are how I will rise above the tradition and prejudice as more people find out about my orientation. Am I strong enough to face the hatred and rejection that will certainly come from my acquaintances (and potentially some friends and family)? For so long people have put me on a pedestal (sorry if this sounds prideful). I am an Honors Student, "Poster-Child" Christian, Active Student Leader, Deacons' Son, Star Employee, and more. What will these people think when they know the truth? For many, they will think sin has taken control and that I have been overcome with lust.
6. Relationships (Romantic). I firmly believe that God will provide whatever relationships I need. When I first came out I had every intention of dating, and am still open to the idea of relationship. However, due to the reactions of friends and family I kept pandering to them and never really mentioned this. I was afraid of rejection.
How will I know the right time to date? How will I approach it? How will I overcome prejudice? Will I find someone with my conservative stances? How do I separate love from lust? Am I just in love with the idea of being in love? What compromises should I make? How do I make a lifetime commitment? What physical contact is appropriate? Will a relationship weaken or strengthen my relationship with God?
I have been praying everyday for God's will to be done in my life. This is a major change from previous prayers where I was ashamed and not convinced God would be able to use me. Of course, I had a very limited understanding of Grace and Love before. In fact, I am saddened by how I had allowed my shame to separate me from the love of God.
One last thing. I feel like being honest and that means I may border on soapbox/rant. Over the last few years I was convinced that I could not be Gay and Christian. In fact, I was on the brink of abandoning my faith twice. However, I was called back by God. This made me so confused. I thought it meant that I must have to fight harder. I needed to read more Christian Literature, pray for more healing, worship a little harder. Why would God call me back and still make me attracted to guys? I had to have the dross (homosexuality) burned away. I prayed non-stop. Still, nothing changed. It's all I wanted. It was pretty much the focus of my entire spiritual life. It, in conjuction with other factors, led to depression and a desire to stop living. For months I became obsessed with wanting to die, not wanting to face the future. Later I decided that I would just lock away my emotions and sexuality. This worked for awhile. Then a series of events occurred that made me unable to maintain the facade. That's when all of my plans went up in flames. My plans for a wife (I was very close to proposing to my best friend), plans for a home, plans for the future. These plans that I was told God wanted for me, and that I therefore contrived, were gone. Standing among the rubble and ash, I now realize that the dross was not my homosexuality. The dross was all of the misguided things I had done to earn God's love. The man I was just months ago had a soul that was broken, and I was dead inside. All I had was a brilliantly scrubbed sepulcher. I did such a good job that very few people knew of my struggles.
---
I will resume my story later. I feel like putting it all out there. I have found the truth to be quite liberating as of late. Goodbye.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Standing In Line
The time has come. You have waited months for it. You stand in line, ID ready. Wondering and waiting, seeing the dejected looks on the faces of those ahead of you. The line moves slowly, how long has it been? 5, 10, 15 minutes? Finally it's your turn. They scan the ID, then the book. The silence is deafening. Will they take it?
"49 dollars".
Yes! 49 dollars! I was not even sure they were going to buy it back. I will take it! Give me the cash! Goodbye International Management book. It was fun while it lasted. I am going to Wendy's.
I love book buyback (when they actually buy them back).
"49 dollars".
Yes! 49 dollars! I was not even sure they were going to buy it back. I will take it! Give me the cash! Goodbye International Management book. It was fun while it lasted. I am going to Wendy's.
I love book buyback (when they actually buy them back).
Friday, April 25, 2008
3 Exams Left
I am a slacker. My motivation at work has dwindled. I am currently making a spreadsheet. Excel is fun to use. I am such a nerd. I love simple sentences.
I only have 3 more exams left! After that I am free from school...FOREVER!!! Well, I do plan on going to graduate school. So, I am really just free from school FOR 1-3 YEARS UNTIL I DECIDE WHERE I WANT TO GO. Nevertheless, it's exciting.
I don't have anything serious to talk about. While I have been in an immense philosophical mood lately, I don't really feel like sharing. Other things are on my mind (good and bad). Tonight I am having my birthday dinner and getting a chance to hang out with some awesome people. Some of these folks I won't be seeing much in the future. We will be moving across the city, state, and globe this summer. Other thoughts consuming my time are the beautiful weather (although it is almost too warm), my busy "to-do" list, graduation, the wedding I am attending tomorrow, the wedding I am attending next month, my trip to Ecuador, taking my car to the shop, spending time with my family, and more. I am placing "unraveling the mysteries of the universe" on the back-burner until next month.
Last night I went out with a friend to an acapella concert. I won't lie, we were partly there to scout out guys. It's hilarious because we both have extremely similar preferences so we are always talking about the same ones. FYI, I still do not date just to date. I was just "window shopping". While I am open to the idea of a relationship, I am in no hurry. Also, I am just not sure I have the patience to date right now. Taking care of my crazy friends is taxing enough!
Soapbox time: I feel like I am always having to defend my singleness to people. It's probably more of a perceived thing than a real thing. Nobody seems to understand that it is okay not to be dating. Singleness is not a disease that needs to be cured. Also, I am not just "putting on a brave front" when I appear happy. There truly are happy single people. Also, there are a TON of miserable married/partnered/dating people. Why the obsession with pairing everyone off? I don't think anyone believes me when I say that I am ok being single! This rant may not help my case. I can see people nodding their head saying "Look at this poor soul, so desperate to appear happy...he should really meet my friend..." Haha.
Hooray for sunshine and Pandora Radio.
I better get back to work or they are going to start questioning why I haven't accomplished anything this week!
I only have 3 more exams left! After that I am free from school...FOREVER!!! Well, I do plan on going to graduate school. So, I am really just free from school FOR 1-3 YEARS UNTIL I DECIDE WHERE I WANT TO GO. Nevertheless, it's exciting.
I don't have anything serious to talk about. While I have been in an immense philosophical mood lately, I don't really feel like sharing. Other things are on my mind (good and bad). Tonight I am having my birthday dinner and getting a chance to hang out with some awesome people. Some of these folks I won't be seeing much in the future. We will be moving across the city, state, and globe this summer. Other thoughts consuming my time are the beautiful weather (although it is almost too warm), my busy "to-do" list, graduation, the wedding I am attending tomorrow, the wedding I am attending next month, my trip to Ecuador, taking my car to the shop, spending time with my family, and more. I am placing "unraveling the mysteries of the universe" on the back-burner until next month.
Last night I went out with a friend to an acapella concert. I won't lie, we were partly there to scout out guys. It's hilarious because we both have extremely similar preferences so we are always talking about the same ones. FYI, I still do not date just to date. I was just "window shopping". While I am open to the idea of a relationship, I am in no hurry. Also, I am just not sure I have the patience to date right now. Taking care of my crazy friends is taxing enough!
Soapbox time: I feel like I am always having to defend my singleness to people. It's probably more of a perceived thing than a real thing. Nobody seems to understand that it is okay not to be dating. Singleness is not a disease that needs to be cured. Also, I am not just "putting on a brave front" when I appear happy. There truly are happy single people. Also, there are a TON of miserable married/partnered/dating people. Why the obsession with pairing everyone off? I don't think anyone believes me when I say that I am ok being single! This rant may not help my case. I can see people nodding their head saying "Look at this poor soul, so desperate to appear happy...he should really meet my friend..." Haha.
Hooray for sunshine and Pandora Radio.
I better get back to work or they are going to start questioning why I haven't accomplished anything this week!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Stranger at the Gate
Well, I just finished reading it. I stopped at the letters to the Religious Right/ Moral Majority leaders.
Let me just say that the title is deceptive: Stranger at the Gate: To Be Gay and Christian in America. I think this book might mislead some people into lumping all gay Christians into the "Mel White" camp when there are quite a few things I disagree with. I commend him for telling his story and it was definitely harrowing. He seems to genuinely be seeking God, but I was definitely caught off guard by his horniness and seeming obsession with finding a relationship with a man. I obviously cannot relate to the bulk of what he said, especially since we don't face much discrimination from the "Moral Majority" anymore. The far right and Southern Baptists are more of the concern for me.
I think it was hyperbole comparing the Moral Majority to Adolf Hitler. It is also offensive to the Jews who went through the Holocaust (I know homosexuals were persecuted too).
The tone just seemed harsh, but I can understand why. I did agree with some of what he said and could relate. The tragic tales of suicide and self-mutilation by people he knew were very moving. I also agree with the importance of coming out. I have been being honest with more and more people because I feel it's the right thing to do. People don't understand how much hatred exists towards homosexuals. By coming out to my friends they can start to realize that not all homosexuals are sexually deviant child molesters. Believe me, some of my friends have some intense homophobia. Also, I am 90% sure that a few of them are deeply closeted themselves, most likely going through the same pain I went through for so long.
This fall I am going to start a bible study/small group with a friend. It will be part of one of the religious houses on campus. We will be co-teaching with another student and a minister. I am definitely excited and plan to do a lot of praying, studying, and planning this summer. It is not going to be a "gay" bible study, instead it will be a place where people can come to talk about controversial topics in a JUDGEMENT FREE environment. Of course, there will be more emphasis on homosexuality than other topics.
Well, I better get to cleaning and knocking out some errands. I am having a get together
tomorrow night and want to make sure the apartment is spotless!
Let me just say that the title is deceptive: Stranger at the Gate: To Be Gay and Christian in America. I think this book might mislead some people into lumping all gay Christians into the "Mel White" camp when there are quite a few things I disagree with. I commend him for telling his story and it was definitely harrowing. He seems to genuinely be seeking God, but I was definitely caught off guard by his horniness and seeming obsession with finding a relationship with a man. I obviously cannot relate to the bulk of what he said, especially since we don't face much discrimination from the "Moral Majority" anymore. The far right and Southern Baptists are more of the concern for me.
I think it was hyperbole comparing the Moral Majority to Adolf Hitler. It is also offensive to the Jews who went through the Holocaust (I know homosexuals were persecuted too).
The tone just seemed harsh, but I can understand why. I did agree with some of what he said and could relate. The tragic tales of suicide and self-mutilation by people he knew were very moving. I also agree with the importance of coming out. I have been being honest with more and more people because I feel it's the right thing to do. People don't understand how much hatred exists towards homosexuals. By coming out to my friends they can start to realize that not all homosexuals are sexually deviant child molesters. Believe me, some of my friends have some intense homophobia. Also, I am 90% sure that a few of them are deeply closeted themselves, most likely going through the same pain I went through for so long.
This fall I am going to start a bible study/small group with a friend. It will be part of one of the religious houses on campus. We will be co-teaching with another student and a minister. I am definitely excited and plan to do a lot of praying, studying, and planning this summer. It is not going to be a "gay" bible study, instead it will be a place where people can come to talk about controversial topics in a JUDGEMENT FREE environment. Of course, there will be more emphasis on homosexuality than other topics.
Well, I better get to cleaning and knocking out some errands. I am having a get together
tomorrow night and want to make sure the apartment is spotless!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Too Balanced?
Around the time I was about to graduate from high school and enter college, I had a momentary breakdown. I actually cried for a brief moment (I am not a crier) as I took an inventory of my life and questioned whether I had made the right decisions up to that point. I questioned the wisdom of all my decisions. Part of what prompted that "breakdown" was the fact that I was attending my back-up school instead of my first choice school. Also, I was not sure if I was actually following my dreams or was on the correct path for my life.
Fast forward four years. I am about to move from university into the "real world". Glancing into the rearview mirror of my life, I realize that I have loved the past four years of college. I met the best friends I have ever had and have enjoyed the college experience more than I could have ever imagined.
Now I am at the re-evaluation stage of life. What am I doing? Has my life really impacted anyone? Am I actually trying hard enough to incorporate Christ-like love into my daily life?
I am haunted by my own apathy when it comes to the pain and suffering of those around me. Shouldn't I be overwhelmed by compassion or a sense of urgency to fight poverty, injustice, the destruction of the environment, famine, racism, and all the other suffering in the world? Instead, I obsess about work, school, relationships, the future, and more.
Here comes the hard part. I do have to be concerned about my life and well-being. Work, school, relationships, and the future are all important. I can't give up everything and devote myself to one cause at the expense of everything else in my life. There has to be some sort of balance.
Someone I respect often says "If you are balanced in everything, you will be radical in nothing".
I want to be radical. I want to make a difference. I want to care.
Thoughts? What do you do to ensure you are not so balanced that you are immobile and ineffective as a Christian or a human being?
Fast forward four years. I am about to move from university into the "real world". Glancing into the rearview mirror of my life, I realize that I have loved the past four years of college. I met the best friends I have ever had and have enjoyed the college experience more than I could have ever imagined.
Now I am at the re-evaluation stage of life. What am I doing? Has my life really impacted anyone? Am I actually trying hard enough to incorporate Christ-like love into my daily life?
I am haunted by my own apathy when it comes to the pain and suffering of those around me. Shouldn't I be overwhelmed by compassion or a sense of urgency to fight poverty, injustice, the destruction of the environment, famine, racism, and all the other suffering in the world? Instead, I obsess about work, school, relationships, the future, and more.
Here comes the hard part. I do have to be concerned about my life and well-being. Work, school, relationships, and the future are all important. I can't give up everything and devote myself to one cause at the expense of everything else in my life. There has to be some sort of balance.
Someone I respect often says "If you are balanced in everything, you will be radical in nothing".
I want to be radical. I want to make a difference. I want to care.
Thoughts? What do you do to ensure you are not so balanced that you are immobile and ineffective as a Christian or a human being?
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Another One Bites the Dust
I am going to warn you once more that this post is going to be over 80% trivial. I am far too exhausted to be formulating cohesive thoughts about anything of consequence.
Right now I am sitting downstairs on my recliner. Rihanna just finished playing on my iTunes and now it's Danilo Montero's turn. iTunes is definitely one of the best inventions of all time. The only problem I have is deciding whether to buy the songs a la carte or buy the entire album. Wow, life's really tough.
Yesterday I had a 7 hour "budget" meeting! I am so glad that it is through. This morning I knocked out a presentation for class on Tuesday. The only thing remaining is a paper. I have to do some research, but I actually don't think it will be too terrible. Still, I have got to get motivated and work on it before dinner tonight (we are going out for my Dad's birthday). I think I want a nap first...
On Friday I was stressed to the max, but I just could not become unhappy. Ever since I came out to myself, life has been so much happier. I don't obsess over it anymore. It's just becoming a part of who I am...not the whole. Since calling a truce on the war I was fighting inside me, I have been so much happier. Not sunshine, rainbows, lollipops happy, but happy in the peace, hope, and love that is in my life. I am sure my cynical side will rear its ugly head again and I will enter into an existential funk like I am prone to do, but right now I am content.
My laptop is huge and the heat from the battery burns my lap. I feel bad getting a new one, especially since it is not broken. However, it is four years old and has seen better days. I may save up some money and replace it this summer. I hope it does not become self-aware, read this post, and decide to self-destruct!
Wow, I should really go. It's sleepy time, followed by school work, followed by dinner, followed by school work. Yeah, that's the plan!
I will be sure to work on a post that will challenge your intellect in the near future. Haha.
Right now I am sitting downstairs on my recliner. Rihanna just finished playing on my iTunes and now it's Danilo Montero's turn. iTunes is definitely one of the best inventions of all time. The only problem I have is deciding whether to buy the songs a la carte or buy the entire album. Wow, life's really tough.
Yesterday I had a 7 hour "budget" meeting! I am so glad that it is through. This morning I knocked out a presentation for class on Tuesday. The only thing remaining is a paper. I have to do some research, but I actually don't think it will be too terrible. Still, I have got to get motivated and work on it before dinner tonight (we are going out for my Dad's birthday). I think I want a nap first...
On Friday I was stressed to the max, but I just could not become unhappy. Ever since I came out to myself, life has been so much happier. I don't obsess over it anymore. It's just becoming a part of who I am...not the whole. Since calling a truce on the war I was fighting inside me, I have been so much happier. Not sunshine, rainbows, lollipops happy, but happy in the peace, hope, and love that is in my life. I am sure my cynical side will rear its ugly head again and I will enter into an existential funk like I am prone to do, but right now I am content.
My laptop is huge and the heat from the battery burns my lap. I feel bad getting a new one, especially since it is not broken. However, it is four years old and has seen better days. I may save up some money and replace it this summer. I hope it does not become self-aware, read this post, and decide to self-destruct!
Wow, I should really go. It's sleepy time, followed by school work, followed by dinner, followed by school work. Yeah, that's the plan!
I will be sure to work on a post that will challenge your intellect in the near future. Haha.
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