Anniversary

This week marks 2 years since I began telling people I was gay. Honestly, it feels like so much longer, but my journal does not lie. This time two years ago I had moved from such a feeling of despair and anxiety to elation. Everything seemed new and different and I was beginning to love myself. As chronicled here, other unforeseen events unfolded which put a damper on my high spirits. In addition to my internal struggles I faced changes in my external circumstances. I began a full-time job, moved out of my college apartment, and became a full-time adult.

Time allows you to look back and rewrite history. Events that were trivial are sometimes blown out of proportion and things that seemed like the end of the world become silly. I refuse to look back and make statements about how and what I was feeling, because too much time has passed. Those feelings are best left to the entries of the past; snapshots in time capturing my ups and downs and hopes and fears. Looking back there are certainly things I wish I would have done differently and emotions I wish I could have avoided, but I made it through.

The thing I've learned the most over the past two years is how unbelievably powerful fear is. I'm not one to say that fear is bad or that "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." That's nonsense and I've been respectful of the importance of fear ever sense seeing this episode of Batman when I was 11* (only somewhat joking). The problem with fear is when you allow it too much space. Coupled with anxiety it can and will make your life a living hell. Daily I fight to keep fear in its rightful place (helping me make intelligent decisions) and have been rather successful. So many things I once feared such as being alone forever and never being happy have simply not happened. This gay thing has turned out to be rather manageable. It's my vices (over consumption #1) that cause me real trouble.

The other thing I've realized, but have been hesitant to admit, is how much my prior beliefs caused me to hate myself. I don't know if I've actually phrased it like that before. I used to say things like I "thought being gay was a sin" and that I "prayed and prayed for change" which are both very true. However, I think to protect myself and what religious convictions I was holding at the time, I shied away from stating that my beliefs were destroying me. Certainly an obsession with a wife and kids compounded the problem, but one of the primary drivers was my conviction that God could and would heal me and that I just needed to keep on fighting my "lust"**. Now that I've let go of that I'm much more whole. I'll try to elaborate this in a later post.

I hope wherever you are that spring has sprung. The weather is stunning here and I found myself enjoying lunch al fresco this afternoon. You should do the same!


*It's odd how certain things from your childhood can have a lasting impact. I recently used a quote from Captain Planet in a work email "the power is yours!". Also, I am certain my sense of humor was strongly shaped by the Wayside Series of books.

**I didn't think my attraction to guys was homosexuality. I preferred to call it a lust. That seemed much more manageable. Just a few prayers and a bit more worship music and it would all be taken care of.

Priorities

I'm in the process of prioritizing things in my life. It's a big task, but needs to be done.

Currently, I'm in the midst of working on some things that will have implications for the next few years (where I live, what I do, etc.). You will of course be kept in the loop.

In case you missed it, check out the Tufts report on non-believing clergy. I found I could relate to several of the stories.

Life is good. My two year anniversary of coming out is in a couple of days. A post is in order!

Poor Cat

I saw a cat get hit by a car on my way home tonight. There is nothing the car could have done as the cat darted right in front of it. It was a startling site and I put on my flashers and got out hoping I could do something. It's body was twitching and I hoped it was going to be okay. When I approached I saw a gruesome situation and knew it was too late. Slowly the last bit of life was gone from an animal who was probably playing with its owners an hour earlier. I wish I could have done something. At first I felt indifferent, then I felt sad. In one second a life
was extinguished. It made me think about human mortality. We're all hanging by a thread. Life is precious.

This was a major downer for an otherwise decent evening.

Goodnight

Social Butterfly

Dear Internet,

This week has been terribly busy. Last Saturday I went to my first club. I had done everything in my power to get out of it, alas, I was unsuccessful. A friend was in town and wanted to go. I didn't have the heart to say no. Plus, I'm working on broadening my horizons this year. A key part of that includes doing things outside of my comfort zone. It is not a gay club, but we went on gay night. I obviously expected it to be a den of sin overrun with shady, disgusting people. However, I was being far too harsh. We met a bunch of friends down there and I had a good time. I even danced (awkwardly of course).

Sunday night we had some friends over for boardgames and Bomberman 64. It was an excellent time, but I ended up staying up too late. I was out late Wednesday and Thursday night too. Friday I went to bed at 3 a.m. Yesterday was also jam-packed but I went to bed at 8:30 to recover.

It's Sunday morning and there is much to do including a really cool estate sale and a trip to Express to stock up on boxers (it's the last day of their sale).

This post has a point, and it's that I'm busy. I know everyone says they're busy all the time, and of course we all are. I'll clarify. I've got many other thing vying for my attention and time and my priorities have shifted. While I love this blog, my idea for a high-quality, weekly post has not come to fruition. I'm still going to maintain this blog and I have lots of things to say and plenty of posts in development. I just won't be the prolific blogger I once was. Maybe this makes you happy or maybe it makes you sad. I'll see you around these parts later.


Your Friend,

J

UPular

If a post showed up in your Google Reader about Sam Davis disregard it. It's still a work in progress. I don't have anything for my weekly post, so I'll just share this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2yt1ooLQGo

Enjoy.

Weakness

Dear Internet People,

Lately I've been thinking about job interviews a lot. I don't anticipate a change of career anytime soon, but the thought came from a NYTimes series I read called Corner Office. One day I aspire to be a member of executive management for either a large multinational corporation, or a highly regarded non-profit. Maybe both. Anyhow, reading this series always makes me think about the interview process and that brilliant question "what is your greatest weakness?*" The answer I'm tempted to give is perfectionism, but I've really been managing that quite well over the years (I think the turning point was losing my 4.0 in college). Therefore, I need to have another one.

Friday I figured out what it was. I don't take criticism well. At work I got a review that I was not happy with and was livid. My wonderful day turned into me going on a tirade in about 5 minutes. This issue will be resolved Monday. At least I know my weakness now.

In other news...

I'm going to a Brandi Carlile concert this week and am super excited. I've also been listening to the new Vampire Weekend non-stop. Alas, their concert in Nashville was sold out. Maybe next time.

This weekend is rather demanding of my time, so I'm cutting my post short.

*If you are interviewing a candidate and want to make sure you don't receive a canned response, ask what are your 2 greatest weaknesses. Most people only have 1 that they've rehearsed.

Common Ground

I recently had a very heated exchange with someone I consider I friend. It was related to sexuality and Christianity. I ended the conversation exceptionally frustrated and in a situation where I found myself unable to understand the motivations of the other person. It was an argument that led nowhere for either party. Ironically we both care deeply about each other and feel like the other is completely missing the point. At least, that's my interpretation of the events that transpired.

The conversation made me realize that I need to be more candid about my beliefs and core convictions, in person and online. Since I enjoy a moderate level of anonymity here, I'm going to start posting about my movement from Conservative Christianity towards agnosticism/atheism. This was something I've somewhat avoided talking about, but the time has come to share this part of my narrative.

As I've mentioned before, I'm hesitant to tell people of my lack of faith due to the fact they will assume it's because I'm gay. I (rightly or wrongly) feel people assume I changed my beliefs because I couldn't cope with being gay and I wanted to sin freely. I've mentioned this before (The Gay Thing) so I won't rehash.

The thing is, my coming out did act as a catalyst to the erosion of my former belief system, but it was certainly not the cause. The cause was that my beliefs could not be sustained. As I learned more, I HAD to change my beliefs.

I'm going to start with a basic example, the Gospels. While I had read the gospels in bits and pieces over the years, I never really read them all together. However, I ate up the fact they were eye witness accounts of the life of Jesus Christ. I believed they explained a virgin birth and a divine being and all the basic things a real, true Christian is supposed to believe. I was pretty much a biblical literalist and thought it had some kind of magical powers*. However, as I started reading gay-friendly theology (much of which I found weak), I did get turned onto some really great Christian authors that exposed me to a lot of truth about the Bible I didn't even know! It started with evangelicals like Tony Campolo (who I'm still a fan of**), Emergents like Brian McLaren, and academics like Peter Gomes. From this further reading of CHRISTIAN literature I realized how backwards I was in my thinking.

Now, I know backwards sounds harsh, but so I will defend my use of the term. Here in this world there are things that are true and there are things that are untrue. Of course, the universe is not black and white. Nevertheless, there are core convictions of biblical, literalist Christianity that can be proven false. Plus, you don't even have to look outside the bible! I assume 99% of you are already aware of this and can even chuckle a bit at those "poor literalists" who still believe everything they read (like a literal 7 day creation and dinosaurs on the ark). Tragically, I shared many beliefs with those people. But as I was challenged in my faith by counter-evidence I was able find peace by reading things as metaphor and finding passages that supported my new doctrines (such as pluralism).

In the long run these attempts to salvage a belief in a biblical god ultimately failed.

*At one point in my life I posted scripture on a bulletin board in my room in the hopes that "storing it in my heart" would strengthen my fight against gay thoughts.

**"50,000 people around the world died of hunger today. That's bad, but what's worse is that most of us don't give a damn. But what's even worse is that for many of us it is more bothersome that I just said the word 'damn' than that I said 50,000 children of God died of hunger." - Tony Campolo

Note: I'm pressed for time today so forgive any grammatical errors.