Monday, March 31, 2008

Letting Go

Well Hello

I used to be an active blogger, but I slowly ended up stopping. Now I only post every once and awhile. However, my mind has been racing and there are so many thoughts to share and I must find a place to organize them. Hence the creation of this blog. Eventually I plan on sharing this with others and having them join me in discussion.

Last week my life changed forever. I finally admitted to myself, my immediate family, and a couple of friends that I am attracted to guys. Since I am a guy, this means I am a homosexual.

My family is processing it, and so am I. I have known for a very long time, but it took a certain series of events for me to completely "come out" to myself and those I trusted.

To further complicate matters, I am a Christian. This has led me to hate myself for the past 8 years as I cried out to God for change and healing. I was at war with myself and everyday took an incredible amount of energy to suppress my true feelings. I felt ashamed of myself and was overflowing with anger and bitterness. I was destroying myself and living was no more than a chore. For a very long time I was obsessed with death and wanting to die. I wanted to simply vanish from the face of the earth. I was unable to love or be loved, by God or those around me.

That has all changed. While it sounds trite, a huge burden has been lifted. Of course, I am still overwhelmed at times, but I get up with a great feeling of hope. This a feeling that I have not had in a very long time. I feel like I am breathing easier and laughing a lot more. I have been able to move homosexuality out of the center of my life and replace it with Christ. It no longer consumes all of my time and energy. I have begun the process of healing and forgiving myself for the years of self-hatred. It feels amazing.

Daily I learn more about the meaning of grace and the unconditional love of God. This has challenged my faith like nothing ever has.

Letting go of all of the dreams I had for myself was difficult. I was supposed to be married and have kids and host church home groups at our beautiful bungalow in Midtown. It appears this is not the plan God has in store for me.

Wow, I have so much more to share. Still, I don't want to make these posts unbearably long so I will spare you.