Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Brilliant Day

I feel so much better than I did yesterday! I think whatever was in the air is moving out.

I am sitting here in my office (putting off some work) and the walls are covered in peace signs and photos of animals. A couple of years ago I mentioned to my co-workers that I hate peace and animals. It's been added to the official quote board and they decided to incorporate it into this year's birthday decor. It cracks me up.

I have several topics that I want to discuss, but I don't really feel like it right now. Today I am living for today and putting my philosophizing on hold. It's one of those few days when tomorrow is not really a pressing concern. I finished my last exam ever (undergraduate), got an excellent grade on my paper, ran into a friend and had an awesome conversation, am celebrating my birthday, and am going to what promises to be a very interesting bible study tonight. Today is awesome.

Just for a teaser, upcoming posts will include topics such as "What is Sin", "What If...", and "Stigma". Stay tuned!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Slightly Overwhelmed, but Still Optimistic


I must confess that this post may venture towards gloomy. There are several contributing factors. Let me lay them out for you (while simultaneously putting off studying for my last final).

1. I am sick. This is probably the biggest factor. My allergies are out of control. I am in one of the worst places for allergy sufferers in the country. My throat is scratchy, and I am having trouble sleeping. My physiological well-being is highly linked to my psychological well-being. When I feel better physically, I will most definitely be more cheery. I guess I am just a baby when it comes to being sick.

2. I am a little sad about graduating. While I am definitely ready and tired of school, I am going to miss the place. I am going to have to start making new friends and continue to say good-bye to those who are moving away. It's a natural part of life, but just because it is natural does not make it easy.

3. Family Acceptance. I am going to be having a "30 Days" talk with the family to see how they are coming along with everything. I don't think I ever talked about coming out to them on my blog. Let's just say it went ok, but could have gone better. They would pretty much only be supportive of me if I remain single the rest of my life (well, at least as of 30 days ago). We have gone out as a family since I came out, but we have not really addressed the homosexuality thing. I feel like it has been the white elephant in every room.

4. Finding my voice/beliefs. First off, I know coming out was the right decision. I prayed, reflected, and read the Bible for 30 days before I decided to tell my family (plus, I was semi-out to myself for the past 8 years). Additionally, there were some other signs that confirmed it was the right thing to do. Since I have come out I have been able to let go of so much bitterness that had been afflicting my soul. I was angry at God and myself. I had spent so long repressing my feelings and being disgusted with myself. I had exhausted myself praying for healing and a heterosexual orientation and was left isolated and in despair. I was on an emotional roller coaster for so long. I feel so much healthier mentally and have never felt God like I do now. I am passionate about seeking Him everyday and it's an exciting journey. I am receiving healing everyday as I learn to love and my soul mends itself from the self-inflicted wounds.

5. The Future. While I attempt to not dwell on the future it has a nasty habit of forcing itself to the forefront of my thoughts. Right now the thoughts are how I will rise above the tradition and prejudice as more people find out about my orientation. Am I strong enough to face the hatred and rejection that will certainly come from my acquaintances (and potentially some friends and family)? For so long people have put me on a pedestal (sorry if this sounds prideful). I am an Honors Student, "Poster-Child" Christian, Active Student Leader, Deacons' Son, Star Employee, and more. What will these people think when they know the truth? For many, they will think sin has taken control and that I have been overcome with lust.

6. Relationships (Romantic). I firmly believe that God will provide whatever relationships I need. When I first came out I had every intention of dating, and am still open to the idea of relationship. However, due to the reactions of friends and family I kept pandering to them and never really mentioned this. I was afraid of rejection.

How will I know the right time to date? How will I approach it? How will I overcome prejudice? Will I find someone with my conservative stances? How do I separate love from lust? Am I just in love with the idea of being in love? What compromises should I make? How do I make a lifetime commitment? What physical contact is appropriate? Will a relationship weaken or strengthen my relationship with God?

I have been praying everyday for God's will to be done in my life. This is a major change from previous prayers where I was ashamed and not convinced God would be able to use me. Of course, I had a very limited understanding of Grace and Love before. In fact, I am saddened by how I had allowed my shame to separate me from the love of God.

One last thing. I feel like being honest and that means I may border on soapbox/rant. Over the last few years I was convinced that I could not be Gay and Christian. In fact, I was on the brink of abandoning my faith twice. However, I was called back by God. This made me so confused. I thought it meant that I must have to fight harder. I needed to read more Christian Literature, pray for more healing, worship a little harder. Why would God call me back and still make me attracted to guys? I had to have the dross (homosexuality) burned away. I prayed non-stop. Still, nothing changed. It's all I wanted. It was pretty much the focus of my entire spiritual life. It, in conjuction with other factors, led to depression and a desire to stop living. For months I became obsessed with wanting to die, not wanting to face the future. Later I decided that I would just lock away my emotions and sexuality. This worked for awhile. Then a series of events occurred that made me unable to maintain the facade. That's when all of my plans went up in flames. My plans for a wife (I was very close to proposing to my best friend), plans for a home, plans for the future. These plans that I was told God wanted for me, and that I therefore contrived, were gone. Standing among the rubble and ash, I now realize that the dross was not my homosexuality. The dross was all of the misguided things I had done to earn God's love. The man I was just months ago had a soul that was broken, and I was dead inside. All I had was a brilliantly scrubbed sepulcher. I did such a good job that very few people knew of my struggles.


I will resume my story later. I feel like putting it all out there. I have found the truth to be quite liberating as of late. Goodbye.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Standing In Line

The time has come. You have waited months for it. You stand in line, ID ready. Wondering and waiting, seeing the dejected looks on the faces of those ahead of you. The line moves slowly, how long has it been? 5, 10, 15 minutes? Finally it's your turn. They scan the ID, then the book. The silence is deafening. Will they take it?

"49 dollars".

Yes! 49 dollars! I was not even sure they were going to buy it back. I will take it! Give me the cash! Goodbye International Management book. It was fun while it lasted. I am going to Wendy's.

I love book buyback (when they actually buy them back).

Friday, April 25, 2008

3 Exams Left

I am a slacker. My motivation at work has dwindled. I am currently making a spreadsheet. Excel is fun to use. I am such a nerd. I love simple sentences.

I only have 3 more exams left! After that I am free from school...FOREVER!!! Well, I do plan on going to graduate school. So, I am really just free from school FOR 1-3 YEARS UNTIL I DECIDE WHERE I WANT TO GO. Nevertheless, it's exciting.

I don't have anything serious to talk about. While I have been in an immense philosophical mood lately, I don't really feel like sharing. Other things are on my mind (good and bad). Tonight I am having my birthday dinner and getting a chance to hang out with some awesome people. Some of these folks I won't be seeing much in the future. We will be moving across the city, state, and globe this summer. Other thoughts consuming my time are the beautiful weather (although it is almost too warm), my busy "to-do" list, graduation, the wedding I am attending tomorrow, the wedding I am attending next month, my trip to Ecuador, taking my car to the shop, spending time with my family, and more. I am placing "unraveling the mysteries of the universe" on the back-burner until next month.

Last night I went out with a friend to an acapella concert. I won't lie, we were partly there to scout out guys. It's hilarious because we both have extremely similar preferences so we are always talking about the same ones. FYI, I still do not date just to date. I was just "window shopping". While I am open to the idea of a relationship, I am in no hurry. Also, I am just not sure I have the patience to date right now. Taking care of my crazy friends is taxing enough!

Soapbox time: I feel like I am always having to defend my singleness to people. It's probably more of a perceived thing than a real thing. Nobody seems to understand that it is okay not to be dating. Singleness is not a disease that needs to be cured. Also, I am not just "putting on a brave front" when I appear happy. There truly are happy single people. Also, there are a TON of miserable married/partnered/dating people. Why the obsession with pairing everyone off? I don't think anyone believes me when I say that I am ok being single! This rant may not help my case. I can see people nodding their head saying "Look at this poor soul, so desperate to appear happy...he should really meet my friend..." Haha.

Hooray for sunshine and Pandora Radio.

I better get back to work or they are going to start questioning why I haven't accomplished anything this week!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Stranger at the Gate

Well, I just finished reading it. I stopped at the letters to the Religious Right/ Moral Majority leaders.

Let me just say that the title is deceptive: Stranger at the Gate: To Be Gay and Christian in America. I think this book might mislead some people into lumping all gay Christians into the "Mel White" camp when there are quite a few things I disagree with. I commend him for telling his story and it was definitely harrowing. He seems to genuinely be seeking God, but I was definitely caught off guard by his horniness and seeming obsession with finding a relationship with a man. I obviously cannot relate to the bulk of what he said, especially since we don't face much discrimination from the "Moral Majority" anymore. The far right and Southern Baptists are more of the concern for me.

I think it was hyperbole comparing the Moral Majority to Adolf Hitler. It is also offensive to the Jews who went through the Holocaust (I know homosexuals were persecuted too).

The tone just seemed harsh, but I can understand why. I did agree with some of what he said and could relate. The tragic tales of suicide and self-mutilation by people he knew were very moving. I also agree with the importance of coming out. I have been being honest with more and more people because I feel it's the right thing to do. People don't understand how much hatred exists towards homosexuals. By coming out to my friends they can start to realize that not all homosexuals are sexually deviant child molesters. Believe me, some of my friends have some intense homophobia. Also, I am 90% sure that a few of them are deeply closeted themselves, most likely going through the same pain I went through for so long.

This fall I am going to start a bible study/small group with a friend. It will be part of one of the religious houses on campus. We will be co-teaching with another student and a minister. I am definitely excited and plan to do a lot of praying, studying, and planning this summer. It is not going to be a "gay" bible study, instead it will be a place where people can come to talk about controversial topics in a JUDGEMENT FREE environment. Of course, there will be more emphasis on homosexuality than other topics.

Well, I better get to cleaning and knocking out some errands. I am having a get together
tomorrow night and want to make sure the apartment is spotless!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Too Balanced?

Around the time I was about to graduate from high school and enter college, I had a momentary breakdown. I actually cried for a brief moment (I am not a crier) as I took an inventory of my life and questioned whether I had made the right decisions up to that point. I questioned the wisdom of all my decisions. Part of what prompted that "breakdown" was the fact that I was attending my back-up school instead of my first choice school. Also, I was not sure if I was actually following my dreams or was on the correct path for my life.

Fast forward four years. I am about to move from university into the "real world". Glancing into the rearview mirror of my life, I realize that I have loved the past four years of college. I met the best friends I have ever had and have enjoyed the college experience more than I could have ever imagined.

Now I am at the re-evaluation stage of life. What am I doing? Has my life really impacted anyone? Am I actually trying hard enough to incorporate Christ-like love into my daily life?

I am haunted by my own apathy when it comes to the pain and suffering of those around me. Shouldn't I be overwhelmed by compassion or a sense of urgency to fight poverty, injustice, the destruction of the environment, famine, racism, and all the other suffering in the world? Instead, I obsess about work, school, relationships, the future, and more.

Here comes the hard part. I do have to be concerned about my life and well-being. Work, school, relationships, and the future are all important. I can't give up everything and devote myself to one cause at the expense of everything else in my life. There has to be some sort of balance.

Someone I respect often says "If you are balanced in everything, you will be radical in nothing".

I want to be radical. I want to make a difference. I want to care.

Thoughts? What do you do to ensure you are not so balanced that you are immobile and ineffective as a Christian or a human being?

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Another One Bites the Dust

I am going to warn you once more that this post is going to be over 80% trivial. I am far too exhausted to be formulating cohesive thoughts about anything of consequence.

Right now I am sitting downstairs on my recliner. Rihanna just finished playing on my iTunes and now it's Danilo Montero's turn. iTunes is definitely one of the best inventions of all time. The only problem I have is deciding whether to buy the songs a la carte or buy the entire album. Wow, life's really tough.

Yesterday I had a 7 hour "budget" meeting! I am so glad that it is through. This morning I knocked out a presentation for class on Tuesday. The only thing remaining is a paper. I have to do some research, but I actually don't think it will be too terrible. Still, I have got to get motivated and work on it before dinner tonight (we are going out for my Dad's birthday). I think I want a nap first...

On Friday I was stressed to the max, but I just could not become unhappy. Ever since I came out to myself, life has been so much happier. I don't obsess over it anymore. It's just becoming a part of who I am...not the whole. Since calling a truce on the war I was fighting inside me, I have been so much happier. Not sunshine, rainbows, lollipops happy, but happy in the peace, hope, and love that is in my life. I am sure my cynical side will rear its ugly head again and I will enter into an existential funk like I am prone to do, but right now I am content.

My laptop is huge and the heat from the battery burns my lap. I feel bad getting a new one, especially since it is not broken. However, it is four years old and has seen better days. I may save up some money and replace it this summer. I hope it does not become self-aware, read this post, and decide to self-destruct!

Wow, I should really go. It's sleepy time, followed by school work, followed by dinner, followed by school work. Yeah, that's the plan!

I will be sure to work on a post that will challenge your intellect in the near future. Haha.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Nothing Much To Say

As the title suggests, this post is quite pointless.

I am going to have to force myself to take a break from the internet until the weekend. There is too much stuff to be done.

I went to Smoothie King for the first time today. It is expensive, but I had a gift card.

Ok, I am slightly agitated. I can't find this spreadsheet that I printed out!

I apologize if you read this post. It is one minute of your life that you will not get back.

I'll be back in a few days.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

I Know I Should Be Writing a Paper, But...


I still find myself composing blog posts in my head. I really should start writing them out on paper. I have misplaced the list of topics I wanted to discuss. I am sure it will resurface when I organize my desk.

It is cold here! There is a chance of flurries tonight. If you knew where I lived you would realize that this is absurd! I am in the South, firmly secure in the bible-belt.

I have felt convicted lately. I have squandered an unbelievable amount of money throughout my college years. I was putting it together in my head, and the sum is $50,000. Can you believe that? I know a good portion of that amount was for living expenses, but most of the rest went to eating out, buying clothes, and purchasing other unnecessary items. I do tithe and give to charity, but I could be doing so much more. My selfishness is limitless. Living in Babylon is so easy!

This led me to ponder the future. I have an amazing job lined up after school and they made me a ridiculous initial offer (especially for where I live). It is very likely that I will make six figures by the time I turn 30. While many people are quick to say that this a blessing from God, I am not sure that you can automatically assume that. While I will not deny that I am fortunate and I do thank God for his provision, the abundance is very dangerous. It can lead to temptation. Temptation to forget you need God, but also temptation to drown yourself in material things and forget your true purpose for being. It is not for that Infiniti G37 and kick-ass downtown loft. I am here to serve, and love, and share the blessings and gifts in my life with those around me. Still, the culture of ME, ME, ME, is insanely difficult to counter.

I don't know what the future holds, but I know that I am in great danger of becoming too comfortable.

In other news, school is almost over! I have some big assignments ahead, but it will all get done.

I guess this is a good time to further introduce myself. I am was born in California, but have lived all over the country. I love to travel and have been to numerous countries including China, Ecuador, and England. 30 Rock is my favorite show on tv right now, but Arrested Development is my all-time favorite. I enjoy reading books and eating cookies. If these are done at the same time it is even better. Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies are my favorite and I once ate so many (30+) that I made myself sick (this was in college). Surprisingly, I am thin and average height (5'9 or 5'10ish). I would like to be a couple of inches taller, but I work with what I've got. That's enough for now.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

The End is Near!


So, the end of the semester is almost here. It is so hard to believe that I am about to finish college. It seems like only yesterday I was beginning the college adventure, yet in other ways it feels like I have been here a lifetime. Soon the people I have been on this journey with will be out of my life, most likely not forever, but out of it for the most part. I suppose it's bittersweet, but I am eager to move forward and meet new people. Memories are amazing, but dwelling on them and making them an obsession is quite tragic. There are so many people who remember "The Good Ole' Days" which never really existed and that they can't go back too. Hmmm, I must confess that this last line was greatly inspired by the book Adventures in Missing the Point by Brian D. McLaren & Tony Campolo. I started it last night and finished it this morning. It was brilliant.

As you all know, I have been reading voraciously lately. I should be concentrating a bit more on schoolwork, but I have a terrible case of Senioritis in conjunction with a having a job lined up after school. It's a double blow to my motivation. Anyways, most of the SSA books that take up a side (firmly A or B) I can't seem to appreciate. They each have such a sense that they are right and others are wrong. While they present themselves objectively, it's hard to really believe it. Anyways, I am interested in hearing from both sides. Ultimately, the path I choose is my own and I must reconcile it with God.

It has been raining a whole lot here. It seems to have moved out for the most part and I am enjoying the sunshine. Still, sunshine is not always my favorite. I love dark, cloudy days. It's when they persist that my soul longs for light and warmth.

My boss from the job I start in June called me the other day. I now know my cube location! I am quite excited because I will have great neighbors. In sad news, my coworker's father passed away. She spoke of him often and she and I were close. I am going to send her a card, but I am always at a loss of what to say. I loathe trite sayings and canned emotion. I prefer to write something from the heart. However, I have never lost anyone close to me. My parents and grandparents are still alive. I have never mourned the loss of a friend or relative. I have read about the subject, but that has obviously not given me adequate insight.

I feel like chatting about more stuff, but I will let you go. Enjoy your weekend, whoever you are. I hope that stumbling across my ramblings has added something to your day.

Now for a quote:

"Well, for instance, when I left her to-day, she put her arms around me and felt my shoulder blades, to see if my wings were strong, she said. 'The bird that would soar above the level plain of tradition and prejudice must have strong wings. It is a sad spectacle to see the weaklings bruised, exhausted, fluttering back to earth.'"

It's from The Awakening.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


So, I have been reading a lot lately and stumbled upon this:

"In other words, we had already taken one giant step toward the contemporary era in which morality is the essence of religion and the term Christian connotes opposition to abortion and gay marriage rather than faith in the incarnation and the redemption-- an era in which having a relationship with Jesus is more important than knowing what he actually did, in which believing in the Bible matters more than knowing what the Bible has to say. More than the forces of secularism, it was this sort of religion that would do religious literacy in."

It is from the book Religious Literacy by Stephen Prothero. I highly recommend it.

As I have been putting myself back together, I have come to realize how few convictions I have that are actually my own. So much of what I believe has been because others have told me what to believe. I find this does not suit me anymore. I am not just talking about issues related to SSA, but to the world in general. I am seeking to understand what I believe and who I am.

As I strive to demonstrate Christian love in my day to day life, I find it exceedingly difficult. It's so hard to love someone who makes you uncomfortable. It's also hard to prevent your pride from getting in the way and causing you to feel that you should pity those you are trying to love. How ridiculous!

I know this post is going everywhere, but please forgive me. Everyday I continue to think, question, reason, and pray about my SSA and what that means for my future. I do see myself with a mate in the future, but I also see myself single. I am also leaning more towards Side A everyday. Ultimately, I must live my life true to myself and to God. He is the only One I am accountable to.

In other news...there is a guy I have a crush on. In fact, I have had a crush on him for 2.5 years! The details are complicated, but I don't want anything more than friendship right now. However, I also don't want to accidentally lead him on (although I get mixed feelings about his interest in me). I am sticking to singleness for the time being, especially since I don't really see a long-term future with the guy. I also am not a fan of dating just to date. If a person I am interested in is not future mate material, I don't pursue. Of course, I don't want to let fear of failure stop me from dating him, yet if we did date and it did not turn out well, I don't know how it would affect our friendship. confusing! I feel like such a flip-flopper in my decisions! It would be so much easier if I could just get my emotions in line with my head. Haha.

This morning I had a massive presentation for my International Management class. We (my group) presented a proposal to build a for-profit English Language Academy in Xi'an, China. It was very impressive if I do say so myself. If you ever get a chance be sure to visit because it is an incredible city.

Tonight I spent 3 hours working on another group project! This end of the semester thing might just be the death of me. Thankfully graduation is just around the corner. I know this sounds selfish, but I am hoping to get some cash at my graduation party! I am suffering from "brokeness" right now.


Sunday, April 6, 2008

Almost Like a Soap Opera


The time stamp on these posts is not accurate. I need to figure out how to fix that. I am sure it is in the settings somewhere.

I guess I will start off with a dream like I did last time. I have had a recurring dream that I enrolled in a History class this semester, but because it was so easy I decided to only come on test days. In the earlier dream I had forgotten where the actual classroom was and missed the first test! In my dream last night I realized I had not been to class in two months. In fact, I had completely forgotten about it! This meant that I was not going to graduate! I was still going to walk (at graduation) but would not get a degree. This through off my plans for my job and everything! It was a bit scary. Thankfully, it was just a least I think...

Well, the title alludes to what I am about to write. Yesterday by two best friends called. We discovered the joys of three-way calling our freshmen year. We have been an inseparable posse, yet there has definitely been some drama between us in the past. Nevertheless, we are exceptional friends. They were calling to get clarity on where I am in regards to my same sex attraction and my Christianity. I can understand their need for clarity. I am obviously searching for it myself. As you all know, I am currently Side B, but am actively engaging in understanding homosexuality and the different stances. Of course, I have a fear of asserting myself as Side B because I don't know if I will fail or if "Mr. Right" will come in to my life and I will have to reevaluate everything. Still, I have a great sense of peace about Side B/Singleness at this time. Also, fear is not an adequate reason to not make decisions. Additionally, there is no guarantee that if I was "straight" I would not still be a confirmed bachelor. There are a lot more things I could say about this, but I will save it for later.

During the course of the conversation there were some very interesting points that arose. First off, both of my friends questioned whether you really could be gay and Christian. I was a bit taken aback, but they were referring to "active homosexuals" who they perceive as rejecting God and not repenting of their sin. Out of this topic arose the fact that they would have a hard (if not impossible) time being my friend if I ever became Side A. This was also quite harsh. One best friend also made the semi-comedic statement that it was not fair that I could hide my homosexuality (hence avoiding judgement from others) while she is unable to hide her blackness. Also, she laments the fact that she will have to learn "Gay English." Navigating "Black English" in addition to "White English" is hard enough. They were also alarmed by the number of people who know "my secret." Of course, they are blissfully unaware of the number of friends they have that are dealing with same sex attraction yet have not told anyone. I can think of four of our friends off the top of my head! I guess they will now be questioning whether any friends that I have over are "gay" or not. I also had to explain that I will most likely be including more gay people in my circle of friends, but that just because I go out with them does not mean we are dating. I felt like this was too elementary to address, but they have some deep-seated homophobia and are only aware of the "gay lifestyle" stereotype that is so pervasive in American culture. One best friend was also concerned that I would start changing the way I talk and the other that I will hold my wrists funny. Needless to say, this was an exhausting conversation. Oh yeah, in a subsequent phone call my male best friend, who is my roommate but is away this semester, voiced concern that our friendship will never be the same...or something to that effect. While I agree, I feel my honesty can only lead to a better friendship. He also is concerned with me telling people and then how us living together "will look." In his defense, I think he has a valid concern that people think he is gay (he is sensitive and quite caring), but my "spiritual gaydar" has never gone off. Also, if he is in the closet, he is so far back he's sipping tea with Aslan. I could not help but use that.

I knew this post was going to get out of hand. One last note of "drama", my roommate for the fall is a Side A guy. However, at the time we made the arrangements, neither one of us had come out to the other. More about this situation later.

Back to a non-SSA topic.

My roommate's mom accidentally broke my large Pyrex bowl! They are going to replace it so it's not a big loss. Also, I don't really cook a lot so it's not going to effect me. My brother is moving out of the country until December so I am going to house his piano! I am very excited and think I might take up some casual lessons again. It's been over 6 years since I played so I will have to relearn quite a bit.

In other news, college basketball is awesome right now. I am so excited about the game on Monday!

Well, it's time to get going. I have a fairly relaxed day ahead. This is great since this week, and all the subsequent ones until graduation, are going to be INSANE!

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Ideas Abound

Let me start by saying that I had a crazy dream. I was visiting my "family" in Ecuador and they all spoke perfect English! It was so confusing since I generally have to speak Spanish when I am down there. It was such a relief! Of course, when I awoke I realized that they don't really speak English. I am going to visit the ones in town tomorrow so I better dust off my vocab!

So, as is the new norm these days...I have so much I want to talk about! I have actually made a list so that I won't forget anything. I am going to try to stick to my one post a day rule. Otherwise, you all might think that I really don't have a life.

Today's topic is my singleness. As I am working through the process of relating my same sex attraction with my faith, I am staying single. As a result, I am abstinent. I don't know how I feel about using the term "celibate", but my singleness is definitely so that I can focus on my faith and serving God. I feel like I sound like a super far right conservative...all this talk of God! As many of you have stated or experienced, being single is not easy. My pride is what makes it the hardest. I don't want to be judged by my liberal Christian friends who are encouraging me to date and don't view homosexuality (outside of committed long-term relationships) as a sin. Additionally, I have (like I stated earlier) a great anger (stemming from my pride) that people will think I am being single just to appease my Christian friends with a conservative stance. I also think I will go crazy if someone dares to say "you are doing the right thing" when it comes to me staying single. I don't want your opinion, especially if you have never been in this situation!

Enough about this.

I will have to say (I think others would agree), that this has been a blessing. Of course, I am not saying that I am "happy" to be dealing with this, but there have been times when I have really seen God moving. A friend messaged me last week for coffee and we decided to meet up. I have had on my heart for a long time a sense that this person was going through a similar situation as me. Therefore, I decided to share my narrative. Afterwards this friend said, "well, I had not planned on telling you this..." and proceeded to share the confusion he/she was experiencing about same sex attraction and falling in love with a friend. Now we have a special bond and I have an ally who I can talk to in person about these issues. I feel like the isolation he/she felt has now been lifted. Knowing how amazing and healthy that is, I know it has to be a blessing for my friend as well. All that said, I know that I was compelled by something/someone other than myself to share my story that night. FYI, this person is a very dedicated Christian and serves all over the world with missions work. I admire my friend tremendously.

That said, when I was talking to my best friend and mentioning that God could use my same sex attraction as a ministry, he voiced concern of me leading people astray! A flash of anger came over me but then subsided. I don't know if he imagined me seducing struggling Christians or rallying them for a "Gay Pride" parade, but it hurt me so much. I do understand his concern somewhat, but he (as far as can tell) has no idea what I or others who feel/felt hated by God and ourselves go through on a daily basis. If one person can be saved from experiencing the pain I had over the past 8 years then it is worth me having to work through it too.

Ok, sorry if this got long. I do want to clarify something for you all. My life is AMAZING. Also, I was not some horribly depressed person over the past 8 years. While I did have emotional roller coasters and relationship problems (breaking girls hearts), I have been blessed beyond anything I could ever deserve. I have amazing friends and family and have experienced an incredible amount of love in my everyday life. Also, I have been able to love others in the past, just not honestly.

Friday, April 4, 2008

I Just Can't Help Myself

I used to be a super avid blogger. My other blog, which will not be linked to this one, has chronicled my journey through college.

Let me introduce myself. I am a senior in college and graduate in one month. I am very fortunate to already have a job (that I love) lined up after work. I love to read, blog, travel, and meet new people. I am part introvert and part extrovert. I love board games and get a little over competitive when I play Taboo. Be warned. That's enough for now.

Last night I came out to the last person that really needs to know, my best friend. He is very, very conservative and I was frightened to tell him. However, it went much better than expected. I did tell him that I was dropping out to go to cosmetology school, but he did not think it was funny. He is definitely going to have to lighten up. In his defense, it took me a long time to lighten up about the whole situation. It really is not the end of the world. Still, when I first "came out" I was concerned that the world would stop turning, or that I would be struck by lightning.

I have so many things to say, but I will wait and try to limit my posting to once a day. I can't keep spending so much time online! Life is hectic right now.

In other life news, work is finally under control. I am enjoying it, but it is still frustrating from time to time. Also, I have a 30 minute presentation due next week and I feel like I have been a slacker. However, I know it will all work out.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Rainy Day

So, it was an absolute mess outside today! I do love rainy days, but not when I am sans umbrella and need to walk across campus to get a chicken sandwich. Chick-Fil-A = Delicious.

It is 6 o'clock and I just got up from a nap. I wish I could have slept on through tomorrow. I was going to make a sandwich before the nap, but I am without bread! I must go to the store tonight. In fact, I have a TON of stuff to get done in the next four hours: shopping (hopefully Target!), socializing, cleaning, bill paying, budgeting, and homework!


Good night.


I have added several blogs to my link sections. I have been reading a bunch of ya'lls stuff recently, but am desperately behind! If you would not like me to link to you I will be happy to take them down. Also, I have another blog that has been up for several years, but since I have started this new one, I will have to re-introduce myself to the blogosphere in the near future.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Quick Post, Then Back to Work

Ok, I am such a slacker. I just felt I had to write before I can move on with my day. Also, my non-serious personality is most likely going to be leaking into this post. I can't be morbid and bitter 24/7, give a guy a break.

Yesterday's post seemed a bit angry. It was. Right now I am not really struggling with the fact that I might be lonely. I am not really pursuing a relationship right now. I don't feel an overwhelming need for companionship or validation. I want love to be unexpected and natural. What I am angry about is having to say "NO!" absolutely to the prospect of a relationship in the future, be it with a guy or girl. I just don't want to be forced to close that door and be bitter and angry everyday. However, I don't want to be stringing myself along with false hope for a future romantic relationship. Additionally, I don't want to be worried about getting to close to a guy or girl and then falling in love. That would just be too confusing! How would I process that? What if my hetero-sexual attraction ends up being amplified eventually? I have such a terrible fear of not being in control and not having a plan. Living for today is much easier said than done.

Ok, I will end by giving my views on relationships (all sorts, not just romantic). This applies to girls, guys, gay, straight, bi-, confused, whatever. Disclaimer, just because this is how my mind operates, it does not mean my emotions don't get in the way.

Fear seems to be the biggest cause of people getting into relationships. Fear of being old and alone, or fear of not finding someone else who loves them. Fear of being sick and having nobody to care for you. NEWS FLASH! Being in a relationship does not guarantee you won't still end up alone and lonely. Your "one true love" might leave you or could even die. I know that is sad, but it's the truth. If you are going to try to hedge you bets for the future with something earthly, try money! You could buy an entire army of people to take care of you in the future. Start saving instead of looking for a man or woman to bring you security in your old age.

I feel that if Christ is at the center of your life, he will end up being at the center of your relationships. Of course, he can be pushed to the fringes if you neglect Him, but that is the nature of being human.

One last thing, being single is not a curse! While I do get envious of my friends that are in relationships, I am sure there are things they are envious of me for having. On a worldly level, I have a much higher disposable income and the freedom to make decisions without always considering my "significant other's" feelings. Also, I am free to hang out with whoever I want and get to know them on a very personal level without being worried that I am crossing a line or having an "emotional affair". I also get a chance to travel and pursue my passions and hobbies uninhibited by meeting the needs of my "partner". Still, the grass is always greener and there are definitely times when I want a relationship.

In conclusion (haha, that's from eighth grade 5 paragraph essays), just live your life. Honor God and love yourself and others to the best of your ability everyday. Life is not meant to be a burden.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Exploding With Thought and Joy

Ok, I will start by being trivial. I love Google's April Fools Jokes. The Gmail one is especially hilarious. Also, I should really be working. I am drowning in work. Alas, my thoughts are racing and I must share.

I am currently obsessed with the debate over whether or not homosexuality is a sin. Obsessed may not be the right word, but it does occupy quite a bit of my time. To aid me in my search for understanding I am reading books, reading the Bible, and getting the opinions of others.

Let my try to lay out my thoughts in an organized manner:

I am currently at a point where I don't think that my same sex attraction is a sin. I do think that if I lust, have sex indiscriminately, and/or use sex in a non-loving way I am sinning. For those of you familiar with the lingo, there is a "Side A" and "Side B" to this debate. I am currently investigating both options, but Side B is where I currently am. Plus, I am not actively pursuing a relationship with anyone so remaining abstinent is not really a problem.

Many of my Christian friends and family view homosexuality as a sin. I think that deep down some of them think I can be "healed" from this. Also, they seem to be incredibly concerned that no matter what I remain abstinent from now until forever, I guess. The pride in me makes me furious! Why are they concerned about my future romantic life? They have enough sin in their lives to be worried about! Still, this is the wrong attitude for me to take, nevertheless, my human nature cannot help me from thinking this way. Also, since I am still on the fence their opinion should not really offend me. I also cannot help thinking that they are less concerned about me "living in sin" as much as they are about how they would be able to cope with me being in love with a guy and having a physical relationship.

Warning, I am going to be slightly vulgar here. What constitutes a homosexual act? Is it hugging, kissing, or cuddling? Is it strictly oral sex or anal sex? FYI, both of those are kind of nasty in my mind, especially the latter. Of course, when the vast majority of people think "gay", rainbows and bareback sex are the first things that leap to mind! It is SO frustrating. I am not sure how many non-homosexuals understand that I have not made some transformation into a sex-addicted, guy-crazy, drug-abusing, "gay". Additional FYI, I do not like the term "gay". I am also opposed to the phrase "I'm starving" as it is a huge insult to the millions of people who really do go hungry everyday.

Wow, I really want to go on and on and on about this subject. However, I will wrap this up for now. Just know that I am so happy to actually be thinking about these things. It is amazing to be able use the intellect that God gave me.

Additionally, there is such a wide range of opinions on whether or not homosexuality is a sin that you can find people to support any belief you have on the subject. My objective is to reach a conclusion that allows me to live a full, value-filled life.

Ok, one last thing. Today I felt empathy for the first time in quite awhile. It was so refreshing and I almost got misty-eyed when I realized what I was feeling. How hard-hearted I had become over the years.