It's only been recently that I've truly accepted that a wife and kids are not a requirement for me to be happy and fulfilled. It's a realization that I should have made earlier, but I didn't. I've had years of wanting it so badly and giving up that desire was no small task. It's been a long road.
In the weeks immediately following my acceptance of being gay I was flooded with relief. I had been edging towards insanity as the dissonance within me grew. It almost instantly dissipated. I was free from the terrible burden that had for too long impaired my emotional and intellectual growth.
God and I were closer than ever. I had seen signs of his approval of me coming out, but was still waiting for an "all clear" to date. In the meantime I was deep in thought and reading all I could from Orthodox to liberal Christian literature about being gay and Christian. I was learning so much. This reading made me realize how uninformed I was about my beliefs. It had started sometime before when I read Stephen Prothero's book, but the desire to fill my gaps in knowledge was accelerated as I began devouring theology.
As chronicled over this blog, I moved towards, and currently reside, in the land of agnosticism. I really did not expect to end up here, but I'm coping. I never expected I would be unable to overcome my attraction to guys either, but hey, we win some and we lose some.
As always, I'm working day by day to be grateful for all the things I currently have, instead of incessantly pining for more. I'm mulling over my future while working to be a force for good in the universe. There are few things worse than being paralyzed by indecision and living a life of inaction and ineffectiveness.
Now that I'm off the roller coaster of emotion tied to coming out and losing my faith, life is a bit different. There are no more "coming out" conversations to have. The only people who should know but don't are my Dad's parents. They will not know. At least not anytime soon. Coworkers will find out in due time (many suspect) but there is no need to have the awkward "I have something to tell you..." conversation. It's not a big deal (another thing I never really imagined I would say).
As for faith, I sometimes miss church community. I've actually still been going occasionally. Also, I remain engaged in study of the bible and religion. It's something I'm passionate about. Maybe I will find a home with a local Unitarian congregation.
As I strive to be honest, I will not say that I don't still think about dating a girl. I've still not had an attraction, but the thought still lingers. However, I'm not going to. I've just finally mended my relationships with the girls I hurt in college and there is no reason to create more pain. Plus, there are cute guys I hope to ask out!
The most difficult thing about being gay for me is the perception people will have once they find out. It's even more upsetting now that I'm firmly agnostic. I can't help but think people (especially my conservative Christian friends) will make an immediate judgement that my sin has destroyed my faith. Of course, that's nonsense. I was on fire spiritually after coming out. I felt closer to God and felt I truly understood grace as a direct result of admitting I was attracted to guys. It was only due to my obsessive desire to learn more that the questioning of my faith began. I read and read and read (and am still reading) which led me to discover that all the immutable truths I held so dear were not so true. As I've documented, the discovery was painful and stressful and severely affected my overall mental health.
I'm finally emerging from all of this. Taking things a day at a time. Learning not to be so serious.
As I've matured, so has this blog. Moving forward I'm going to make a conscious effort to improve. I want to write stuff a bit more meaningful. I'll still share my narrative, but hopefully in a way that is useful.
I know a lot of people that read this are conservative Christians: some celibate gay guys, some struggling with their SSA, and others who are in committed relationships. I hope you keep reading even though we don't share as much common ground as before. Thanks for being with me thusfar.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Dreams
The past two nights I've had disturbing dreams. In the first I was angry because I had to be somewhere at a specific time and was late. However, nobody else I was with seemed to care. I shouted and shouted but nobody was reacting. I was so angry. I think I woke up angry. It was very odd.
The same thing happened last night. However, this dream was much more violent. I had been shot in the arm by a family member who was not at all concerned because he deemed it God's will. He was so firm in his religious conviction that it did not bother him that he physically harmed me. In this dream I was much angrier than in the prior night's. I wonder if my blood pressure increased while I was asleep. It was alarming to say the least. I generally don't have quite so vivid dreams (at least I don't remember them).
I've nearly finished the His Dark Materials series. The first two books were my favorites. I'm finding myself having trouble making it through the third. Still, I would recommend them.
Enjoy your holiday weekend (for those of you in the States).
The same thing happened last night. However, this dream was much more violent. I had been shot in the arm by a family member who was not at all concerned because he deemed it God's will. He was so firm in his religious conviction that it did not bother him that he physically harmed me. In this dream I was much angrier than in the prior night's. I wonder if my blood pressure increased while I was asleep. It was alarming to say the least. I generally don't have quite so vivid dreams (at least I don't remember them).
I've nearly finished the His Dark Materials series. The first two books were my favorites. I'm finding myself having trouble making it through the third. Still, I would recommend them.
Enjoy your holiday weekend (for those of you in the States).
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Foundations
The title of this post reminds me of an excellent Kate Nash song.
As I've pretty thoroughly documented, my views about the universe have drastically altered. This is no an understatement. It's as if my life is a house. I undertook a renovation, building on the foundation and expanding a few things, only to make the horrifying (and costly) discovery that the foundation was bad. The whole house had to come down and a new one built in its place. I'm still under construction and will be for quite some time.
I'm desperately behind on reading (as is always the case), but hope to catch up soon. I'm keeping one whole day wide open this 3 day weekend. It's going to be quite lovely.
Since it's the middle of the year it's time to set my goals for the remainder of 2009.
Personal Goals:
Read More
Cook More
Bake More
Fitness Goals:
Run a 4-miler (or 5K)
Continue exercising 3 times a week
Eat less meat
Financial Goals:
Save 10% of my income
Eliminate the remainder of my debt (CC and Student Loans)
Travel Goals:
Houston
Grand Junction
Nashville
Montreal
Chicago
New York City
As I've pretty thoroughly documented, my views about the universe have drastically altered. This is no an understatement. It's as if my life is a house. I undertook a renovation, building on the foundation and expanding a few things, only to make the horrifying (and costly) discovery that the foundation was bad. The whole house had to come down and a new one built in its place. I'm still under construction and will be for quite some time.
I'm desperately behind on reading (as is always the case), but hope to catch up soon. I'm keeping one whole day wide open this 3 day weekend. It's going to be quite lovely.
Since it's the middle of the year it's time to set my goals for the remainder of 2009.
Personal Goals:
Read More
Cook More
Bake More
Fitness Goals:
Run a 4-miler (or 5K)
Continue exercising 3 times a week
Eat less meat
Financial Goals:
Save 10% of my income
Eliminate the remainder of my debt (CC and Student Loans)
Travel Goals:
Houston
Grand Junction
Nashville
Montreal
Chicago
New York City
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Happenings
I'm tired. My stomach hurts. I'm glad I can make this blog a place for thought provoking analysis of happenings in the universe. Ha.
I am in introvert cleverly disguised as an extrovert (according to a very eerie personality test I took). While I love interacting with people, I very much need personal time. I've got to recharge the batteries to be the bubbly, happy person I am in most of my interactions with humanity. Those two adjectives were used this week to describe me, hence their appearance in this blog.
After coming home from 2 weeks out I always find there is a huge amount of errands and other administrative tasks needing to be attended to. On top of that, work was extraordinarily busy with the wrapping up of a project, exam for a professional certification, and an abundant amount of activities for a charity event. Additionally, I've had a ton of family and friend happenings for which my attendance has been requested/mandated. While I'm quite fortunate to have a full social calendar, I'm tired. Last night I stayed out until 2 a.m. at a disco. Ha! Words cannot adequately describe how out of character this is for me. What's even crazier is how much fun I had! It's the first time I've gone to a bar and not thought everyone there was a sad, broken human being. This was a festive atmosphere where the aim was to have fun and interact (and dance), not get drunk and forget what happened. It was new, refreshing, and something I am definitely game for again.
Summer has struck with a vengeance. I loathe it. It's the worst it's been in a long time (at least that's how it seems) and I check the weather map daily to plot where I should be living. New England, San Francisco, and the Pacific Northwest are the top contenders. I recently uploaded photos to Flickr and thought I had shared the link here. However, it appears I have not. So, for your viewing pleasure check these out: http://www.flickr.com/photos/freelancer30
The link above contains photos from my recent trip. They are all horribly out of order, so please forgive me. Of course, you don't know their out of order, so I should have kept quiet.
In other news, running has been going well. If all goes right (and I stay focused) I'm going to run a 5K and then begin preparation for a half-marathon. Woot woot!
Dearest blog reader, I hope your life is well.
I am in introvert cleverly disguised as an extrovert (according to a very eerie personality test I took). While I love interacting with people, I very much need personal time. I've got to recharge the batteries to be the bubbly, happy person I am in most of my interactions with humanity. Those two adjectives were used this week to describe me, hence their appearance in this blog.
After coming home from 2 weeks out I always find there is a huge amount of errands and other administrative tasks needing to be attended to. On top of that, work was extraordinarily busy with the wrapping up of a project, exam for a professional certification, and an abundant amount of activities for a charity event. Additionally, I've had a ton of family and friend happenings for which my attendance has been requested/mandated. While I'm quite fortunate to have a full social calendar, I'm tired. Last night I stayed out until 2 a.m. at a disco. Ha! Words cannot adequately describe how out of character this is for me. What's even crazier is how much fun I had! It's the first time I've gone to a bar and not thought everyone there was a sad, broken human being. This was a festive atmosphere where the aim was to have fun and interact (and dance), not get drunk and forget what happened. It was new, refreshing, and something I am definitely game for again.
Summer has struck with a vengeance. I loathe it. It's the worst it's been in a long time (at least that's how it seems) and I check the weather map daily to plot where I should be living. New England, San Francisco, and the Pacific Northwest are the top contenders. I recently uploaded photos to Flickr and thought I had shared the link here. However, it appears I have not. So, for your viewing pleasure check these out: http://www.flickr.com/photos/freelancer30
The link above contains photos from my recent trip. They are all horribly out of order, so please forgive me. Of course, you don't know their out of order, so I should have kept quiet.
In other news, running has been going well. If all goes right (and I stay focused) I'm going to run a 5K and then begin preparation for a half-marathon. Woot woot!
Dearest blog reader, I hope your life is well.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Failsafe
I was having a conversation with a close friend today. We'd just heard about the Dustin Lance Black incident and were curious about the photos. I'm terribly ashamed to say that I went to Perez Hilton's site. Gross, right?
Anyhow, the pictures are not out there. I imagine they've all been taken down and the ones I saw in blogs had been censored. After one attempt to find them I stopped. It was wrong. It was terrible of me to have any interest in them in the first place. Invading someone's privacy to satiate my morbid curiosity is despicable. It's morally wrong. I reached this conclusion with a quick Golden Rule check. If photos of me having sex with my boyfriend had been leaked online, would I want someone looking at them? Hell no.
So, as I continued talking to my friend (via messenger) I noticed he was distracted. I asked if he was still looking for the photos and he said yes. I exploded. I whipped out the soapbox, stood on my moral high ground, and told him off. I was honestly shocked that he was still looking for them. Also, I am certain he will persist in searching for them despite my whole Golden Rule explanation (I quoted Jesus and Rabbi Hillel for Pete's sake!). The fact is, he does not think it's that big a deal. He will rationalize it away as something not that bad because he's not hurting anyone, everyone has already seen them, he's curious, etc.
Now, lest you think I'm blasting my friend I must get to my point. Being the obnoxious, introspective person I am, I examined my own heart. What excuses do I make to rationalize things away? The answer is plenty.
I am in debt. Debt I should not be in. I understand it is bad. I live beyond my means. Everytime I talk about my debt I'm quick to say "it's not that much" or "it's school debt" or "I'm in better financial shape than most of my friends", "my job is secure", "I only graduated a year ago", on and on.
Bullshit. All of it. These are excuses I use to make myself feel better. If I was to honestly confront this debt I would see it was bad and needs to be eliminated. But, being human, my brain rationalizes it away to minimize cognitive dissonance. It keeps me from going insane (which I do appreciate). However, sometimes this natural "failsafe" needs to be overridden so that I can do the right thing.
I do the same kind of rationalization with numerous other things (like exercising, volunteering, eating meat). I take the easy way out more often than not.
What must we do to override the "failsafe" in order to truly do the moral (or in some cases just better) thing?
Anyhow, the pictures are not out there. I imagine they've all been taken down and the ones I saw in blogs had been censored. After one attempt to find them I stopped. It was wrong. It was terrible of me to have any interest in them in the first place. Invading someone's privacy to satiate my morbid curiosity is despicable. It's morally wrong. I reached this conclusion with a quick Golden Rule check. If photos of me having sex with my boyfriend had been leaked online, would I want someone looking at them? Hell no.
So, as I continued talking to my friend (via messenger) I noticed he was distracted. I asked if he was still looking for the photos and he said yes. I exploded. I whipped out the soapbox, stood on my moral high ground, and told him off. I was honestly shocked that he was still looking for them. Also, I am certain he will persist in searching for them despite my whole Golden Rule explanation (I quoted Jesus and Rabbi Hillel for Pete's sake!). The fact is, he does not think it's that big a deal. He will rationalize it away as something not that bad because he's not hurting anyone, everyone has already seen them, he's curious, etc.
Now, lest you think I'm blasting my friend I must get to my point. Being the obnoxious, introspective person I am, I examined my own heart. What excuses do I make to rationalize things away? The answer is plenty.
I am in debt. Debt I should not be in. I understand it is bad. I live beyond my means. Everytime I talk about my debt I'm quick to say "it's not that much" or "it's school debt" or "I'm in better financial shape than most of my friends", "my job is secure", "I only graduated a year ago", on and on.
Bullshit. All of it. These are excuses I use to make myself feel better. If I was to honestly confront this debt I would see it was bad and needs to be eliminated. But, being human, my brain rationalizes it away to minimize cognitive dissonance. It keeps me from going insane (which I do appreciate). However, sometimes this natural "failsafe" needs to be overridden so that I can do the right thing.
I do the same kind of rationalization with numerous other things (like exercising, volunteering, eating meat). I take the easy way out more often than not.
What must we do to override the "failsafe" in order to truly do the moral (or in some cases just better) thing?
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