Thursday, July 23, 2009


I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but my home state had legislation in the works aimed at banning gay adoption. Thankfully the budget crisis has practically killed it. The guy that sponsored it was a well-off Republican who goes to a conservative Christian church in Memphis. His argument was the usual "traditional families are the best environment". Well, now he's in some trouble.

He took sexually explicit photos with his legislative intern. While I don't think this story will make national headlines, it's definitely hitting the airwaves here. He is just one more in a series of righteous lawmakers (who more often then not rail against homosexuality) caught in a sex scandal.

One has to wonder, WTF?

It's very hard for me to understand this. There is a part of me that can understand when closeted gay guys rail against homosexuality. It's a "house divided" scenario. I think these guys think their "sins" may be absolved if they take a public stand. Of course, this usually ends in disaster.

The case of Mr. Stanley is quite different. He is not a closeted gay man. He is a "family values" man who appeared to be motivated by his religious faith (I know from personal experience that the views of his church are extremely anti-gay). How is he off having trysts with interns?

I don't know if I can feel bad for the guy, especially since this was entirely his fault. I doubt very much he was seduced by a 22 year old. Still, he has a family and may lose everything. His other job was already lost when the company he worked for was involved in a Ponzi scheme. Mr. Stanley's downfall is just another blow to the GOP that's in desperate need of a turnaround.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Lovely Days

As I've mentioned before, I have a tendency to think somber moods are the most important moods, and since I've been rather lighthearted lately I've not been able to delve into the deep subjects I would like to (at least that's what I tell myself). I'm working on a few drafts, but they require patience and scholarship and work.

In the meantime, I feel like chatting about a few things that have been bringing me joy lately.

Today at work I had a very interesting training session that involved traveling around the city seeing a lot of things I haven't seen before. Now, I've been DREADING this ever since I found out it was scheduled for July because I live in the South. It is hot here in July. I mean HOT (and humid). Being outside is absolutely miserable for me. However, we have had some completely freak weather and the high was 76 today. It was beyond glorious. Of course, it was overcast and stormy, but that only adds to the beauty in my opinion. Today also reminded me what an interesting job I have. I will definitely miss it when I (eventually) leave.

Non-weather things bringing me joy include the following:

Cookie Cake
"Wonderful" from Wicked
Predictably Irrational
Flight of the Conchords (I swear I almost died of laughter from the episode where the Prime Minister visits)

I'll leave you with a quote from "Wonderful": "There are precious few at ease with moral ambiguities, so we act as though they don't exist". So true. Please forgive the overt gayness of quoting a musical.

Friday, July 17, 2009


Since I can't seem to gather together my thoughts for a post, I thought I would share this:

It's my iTunes Top 25.

Note: Poker Face was number 27

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Gay Thing

It's only been recently that I've truly accepted that a wife and kids are not a requirement for me to be happy and fulfilled. It's a realization that I should have made earlier, but I didn't. I've had years of wanting it so badly and giving up that desire was no small task. It's been a long road.

In the weeks immediately following my acceptance of being gay I was flooded with relief. I had been edging towards insanity as the dissonance within me grew. It almost instantly dissipated. I was free from the terrible burden that had for too long impaired my emotional and intellectual growth.

God and I were closer than ever. I had seen signs of his approval of me coming out, but was still waiting for an "all clear" to date. In the meantime I was deep in thought and reading all I could from Orthodox to liberal Christian literature about being gay and Christian. I was learning so much. This reading made me realize how uninformed I was about my beliefs. It had started sometime before when I read Stephen Prothero's book, but the desire to fill my gaps in knowledge was accelerated as I began devouring theology.

As chronicled over this blog, I moved towards, and currently reside, in the land of agnosticism. I really did not expect to end up here, but I'm coping. I never expected I would be unable to overcome my attraction to guys either, but hey, we win some and we lose some.

As always, I'm working day by day to be grateful for all the things I currently have, instead of incessantly pining for more. I'm mulling over my future while working to be a force for good in the universe. There are few things worse than being paralyzed by indecision and living a life of inaction and ineffectiveness.

Now that I'm off the roller coaster of emotion tied to coming out and losing my faith, life is a bit different. There are no more "coming out" conversations to have. The only people who should know but don't are my Dad's parents. They will not know. At least not anytime soon. Coworkers will find out in due time (many suspect) but there is no need to have the awkward "I have something to tell you..." conversation. It's not a big deal (another thing I never really imagined I would say).

As for faith, I sometimes miss church community. I've actually still been going occasionally. Also, I remain engaged in study of the bible and religion. It's something I'm passionate about. Maybe I will find a home with a local Unitarian congregation.

As I strive to be honest, I will not say that I don't still think about dating a girl. I've still not had an attraction, but the thought still lingers. However, I'm not going to. I've just finally mended my relationships with the girls I hurt in college and there is no reason to create more pain. Plus, there are cute guys I hope to ask out!

The most difficult thing about being gay for me is the perception people will have once they find out. It's even more upsetting now that I'm firmly agnostic. I can't help but think people (especially my conservative Christian friends) will make an immediate judgement that my sin has destroyed my faith. Of course, that's nonsense. I was on fire spiritually after coming out. I felt closer to God and felt I truly understood grace as a direct result of admitting I was attracted to guys. It was only due to my obsessive desire to learn more that the questioning of my faith began. I read and read and read (and am still reading) which led me to discover that all the immutable truths I held so dear were not so true. As I've documented, the discovery was painful and stressful and severely affected my overall mental health.

I'm finally emerging from all of this. Taking things a day at a time. Learning not to be so serious.

As I've matured, so has this blog. Moving forward I'm going to make a conscious effort to improve. I want to write stuff a bit more meaningful. I'll still share my narrative, but hopefully in a way that is useful.

I know a lot of people that read this are conservative Christians: some celibate gay guys, some struggling with their SSA, and others who are in committed relationships. I hope you keep reading even though we don't share as much common ground as before. Thanks for being with me thusfar.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Away We Go

I saw Away We Go tonight. If you have not seen it, you should.

Saturday, July 4, 2009


The past two nights I've had disturbing dreams. In the first I was angry because I had to be somewhere at a specific time and was late. However, nobody else I was with seemed to care. I shouted and shouted but nobody was reacting. I was so angry. I think I woke up angry. It was very odd.

The same thing happened last night. However, this dream was much more violent. I had been shot in the arm by a family member who was not at all concerned because he deemed it God's will. He was so firm in his religious conviction that it did not bother him that he physically harmed me. In this dream I was much angrier than in the prior night's. I wonder if my blood pressure increased while I was asleep. It was alarming to say the least. I generally don't have quite so vivid dreams (at least I don't remember them).

I've nearly finished the His Dark Materials series. The first two books were my favorites. I'm finding myself having trouble making it through the third. Still, I would recommend them.

Enjoy your holiday weekend (for those of you in the States).

Thursday, July 2, 2009


My soul is lifted, my burden light.


Woot woot!