Almost Like a Soap Opera

Greetings!

The time stamp on these posts is not accurate. I need to figure out how to fix that. I am sure it is in the settings somewhere.

I guess I will start off with a dream like I did last time. I have had a recurring dream that I enrolled in a History class this semester, but because it was so easy I decided to only come on test days. In the earlier dream I had forgotten where the actual classroom was and missed the first test! In my dream last night I realized I had not been to class in two months. In fact, I had completely forgotten about it! This meant that I was not going to graduate! I was still going to walk (at graduation) but would not get a degree. This through off my plans for my job and everything! It was a bit scary. Thankfully, it was just a dream...at least I think...

Well, the title alludes to what I am about to write. Yesterday by two best friends called. We discovered the joys of three-way calling our freshmen year. We have been an inseparable posse, yet there has definitely been some drama between us in the past. Nevertheless, we are exceptional friends. They were calling to get clarity on where I am in regards to my same sex attraction and my Christianity. I can understand their need for clarity. I am obviously searching for it myself. As you all know, I am currently Side B, but am actively engaging in understanding homosexuality and the different stances. Of course, I have a fear of asserting myself as Side B because I don't know if I will fail or if "Mr. Right" will come in to my life and I will have to reevaluate everything. Still, I have a great sense of peace about Side B/Singleness at this time. Also, fear is not an adequate reason to not make decisions. Additionally, there is no guarantee that if I was "straight" I would not still be a confirmed bachelor. There are a lot more things I could say about this, but I will save it for later.

During the course of the conversation there were some very interesting points that arose. First off, both of my friends questioned whether you really could be gay and Christian. I was a bit taken aback, but they were referring to "active homosexuals" who they perceive as rejecting God and not repenting of their sin. Out of this topic arose the fact that they would have a hard (if not impossible) time being my friend if I ever became Side A. This was also quite harsh. One best friend also made the semi-comedic statement that it was not fair that I could hide my homosexuality (hence avoiding judgement from others) while she is unable to hide her blackness. Also, she laments the fact that she will have to learn "Gay English." Navigating "Black English" in addition to "White English" is hard enough. They were also alarmed by the number of people who know "my secret." Of course, they are blissfully unaware of the number of friends they have that are dealing with same sex attraction yet have not told anyone. I can think of four of our friends off the top of my head! I guess they will now be questioning whether any friends that I have over are "gay" or not. I also had to explain that I will most likely be including more gay people in my circle of friends, but that just because I go out with them does not mean we are dating. I felt like this was too elementary to address, but they have some deep-seated homophobia and are only aware of the "gay lifestyle" stereotype that is so pervasive in American culture. One best friend was also concerned that I would start changing the way I talk and the other that I will hold my wrists funny. Needless to say, this was an exhausting conversation. Oh yeah, in a subsequent phone call my male best friend, who is my roommate but is away this semester, voiced concern that our friendship will never be the same...or something to that effect. While I agree, I feel my honesty can only lead to a better friendship. He also is concerned with me telling people and then how us living together "will look." In his defense, I think he has a valid concern that people think he is gay (he is sensitive and quite caring), but my "spiritual gaydar" has never gone off. Also, if he is in the closet, he is so far back he's sipping tea with Aslan. I could not help but use that.

I knew this post was going to get out of hand. One last note of "drama", my roommate for the fall is a Side A guy. However, at the time we made the arrangements, neither one of us had come out to the other. More about this situation later.

Back to a non-SSA topic.

My roommate's mom accidentally broke my large Pyrex bowl! They are going to replace it so it's not a big loss. Also, I don't really cook a lot so it's not going to effect me. My brother is moving out of the country until December so I am going to house his piano! I am very excited and think I might take up some casual lessons again. It's been over 6 years since I played so I will have to relearn quite a bit.

In other news, college basketball is awesome right now. I am so excited about the game on Monday!

Well, it's time to get going. I have a fairly relaxed day ahead. This is great since this week, and all the subsequent ones until graduation, are going to be INSANE!