Ideas Abound

Let me start by saying that I had a crazy dream. I was visiting my "family" in Ecuador and they all spoke perfect English! It was so confusing since I generally have to speak Spanish when I am down there. It was such a relief! Of course, when I awoke I realized that they don't really speak English. I am going to visit the ones in town tomorrow so I better dust off my vocab!

So, as is the new norm these days...I have so much I want to talk about! I have actually made a list so that I won't forget anything. I am going to try to stick to my one post a day rule. Otherwise, you all might think that I really don't have a life.

Today's topic is my singleness. As I am working through the process of relating my same sex attraction with my faith, I am staying single. As a result, I am abstinent. I don't know how I feel about using the term "celibate", but my singleness is definitely so that I can focus on my faith and serving God. I feel like I sound like a super far right conservative...all this talk of God! As many of you have stated or experienced, being single is not easy. My pride is what makes it the hardest. I don't want to be judged by my liberal Christian friends who are encouraging me to date and don't view homosexuality (outside of committed long-term relationships) as a sin. Additionally, I have (like I stated earlier) a great anger (stemming from my pride) that people will think I am being single just to appease my Christian friends with a conservative stance. I also think I will go crazy if someone dares to say "you are doing the right thing" when it comes to me staying single. I don't want your opinion, especially if you have never been in this situation!

Enough about this.

I will have to say (I think others would agree), that this has been a blessing. Of course, I am not saying that I am "happy" to be dealing with this, but there have been times when I have really seen God moving. A friend messaged me last week for coffee and we decided to meet up. I have had on my heart for a long time a sense that this person was going through a similar situation as me. Therefore, I decided to share my narrative. Afterwards this friend said, "well, I had not planned on telling you this..." and proceeded to share the confusion he/she was experiencing about same sex attraction and falling in love with a friend. Now we have a special bond and I have an ally who I can talk to in person about these issues. I feel like the isolation he/she felt has now been lifted. Knowing how amazing and healthy that is, I know it has to be a blessing for my friend as well. All that said, I know that I was compelled by something/someone other than myself to share my story that night. FYI, this person is a very dedicated Christian and serves all over the world with missions work. I admire my friend tremendously.

That said, when I was talking to my best friend and mentioning that God could use my same sex attraction as a ministry, he voiced concern of me leading people astray! A flash of anger came over me but then subsided. I don't know if he imagined me seducing struggling Christians or rallying them for a "Gay Pride" parade, but it hurt me so much. I do understand his concern somewhat, but he (as far as can tell) has no idea what I or others who feel/felt hated by God and ourselves go through on a daily basis. If one person can be saved from experiencing the pain I had over the past 8 years then it is worth me having to work through it too.

Ok, sorry if this got long. I do want to clarify something for you all. My life is AMAZING. Also, I was not some horribly depressed person over the past 8 years. While I did have emotional roller coasters and relationship problems (breaking girls hearts), I have been blessed beyond anything I could ever deserve. I have amazing friends and family and have experienced an incredible amount of love in my everyday life. Also, I have been able to love others in the past, just not honestly.