Slightly Overwhelmed, but Still Optimistic

Hello.

I must confess that this post may venture towards gloomy. There are several contributing factors. Let me lay them out for you (while simultaneously putting off studying for my last final).

1. I am sick. This is probably the biggest factor. My allergies are out of control. I am in one of the worst places for allergy sufferers in the country. My throat is scratchy, and I am having trouble sleeping. My physiological well-being is highly linked to my psychological well-being. When I feel better physically, I will most definitely be more cheery. I guess I am just a baby when it comes to being sick.

2. I am a little sad about graduating. While I am definitely ready and tired of school, I am going to miss the place. I am going to have to start making new friends and continue to say good-bye to those who are moving away. It's a natural part of life, but just because it is natural does not make it easy.

3. Family Acceptance. I am going to be having a "30 Days" talk with the family to see how they are coming along with everything. I don't think I ever talked about coming out to them on my blog. Let's just say it went ok, but could have gone better. They would pretty much only be supportive of me if I remain single the rest of my life (well, at least as of 30 days ago). We have gone out as a family since I came out, but we have not really addressed the homosexuality thing. I feel like it has been the white elephant in every room.

4. Finding my voice/beliefs. First off, I know coming out was the right decision. I prayed, reflected, and read the Bible for 30 days before I decided to tell my family (plus, I was semi-out to myself for the past 8 years). Additionally, there were some other signs that confirmed it was the right thing to do. Since I have come out I have been able to let go of so much bitterness that had been afflicting my soul. I was angry at God and myself. I had spent so long repressing my feelings and being disgusted with myself. I had exhausted myself praying for healing and a heterosexual orientation and was left isolated and in despair. I was on an emotional roller coaster for so long. I feel so much healthier mentally and have never felt God like I do now. I am passionate about seeking Him everyday and it's an exciting journey. I am receiving healing everyday as I learn to love and my soul mends itself from the self-inflicted wounds.

5. The Future. While I attempt to not dwell on the future it has a nasty habit of forcing itself to the forefront of my thoughts. Right now the thoughts are how I will rise above the tradition and prejudice as more people find out about my orientation. Am I strong enough to face the hatred and rejection that will certainly come from my acquaintances (and potentially some friends and family)? For so long people have put me on a pedestal (sorry if this sounds prideful). I am an Honors Student, "Poster-Child" Christian, Active Student Leader, Deacons' Son, Star Employee, and more. What will these people think when they know the truth? For many, they will think sin has taken control and that I have been overcome with lust.

6. Relationships (Romantic). I firmly believe that God will provide whatever relationships I need. When I first came out I had every intention of dating, and am still open to the idea of relationship. However, due to the reactions of friends and family I kept pandering to them and never really mentioned this. I was afraid of rejection.

How will I know the right time to date? How will I approach it? How will I overcome prejudice? Will I find someone with my conservative stances? How do I separate love from lust? Am I just in love with the idea of being in love? What compromises should I make? How do I make a lifetime commitment? What physical contact is appropriate? Will a relationship weaken or strengthen my relationship with God?

I have been praying everyday for God's will to be done in my life. This is a major change from previous prayers where I was ashamed and not convinced God would be able to use me. Of course, I had a very limited understanding of Grace and Love before. In fact, I am saddened by how I had allowed my shame to separate me from the love of God.

One last thing. I feel like being honest and that means I may border on soapbox/rant. Over the last few years I was convinced that I could not be Gay and Christian. In fact, I was on the brink of abandoning my faith twice. However, I was called back by God. This made me so confused. I thought it meant that I must have to fight harder. I needed to read more Christian Literature, pray for more healing, worship a little harder. Why would God call me back and still make me attracted to guys? I had to have the dross (homosexuality) burned away. I prayed non-stop. Still, nothing changed. It's all I wanted. It was pretty much the focus of my entire spiritual life. It, in conjuction with other factors, led to depression and a desire to stop living. For months I became obsessed with wanting to die, not wanting to face the future. Later I decided that I would just lock away my emotions and sexuality. This worked for awhile. Then a series of events occurred that made me unable to maintain the facade. That's when all of my plans went up in flames. My plans for a wife (I was very close to proposing to my best friend), plans for a home, plans for the future. These plans that I was told God wanted for me, and that I therefore contrived, were gone. Standing among the rubble and ash, I now realize that the dross was not my homosexuality. The dross was all of the misguided things I had done to earn God's love. The man I was just months ago had a soul that was broken, and I was dead inside. All I had was a brilliantly scrubbed sepulcher. I did such a good job that very few people knew of my struggles.

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I will resume my story later. I feel like putting it all out there. I have found the truth to be quite liberating as of late. Goodbye.