Ok, I am such a slacker. I just felt I had to write before I can move on with my day. Also, my non-serious personality is most likely going to be leaking into this post. I can't be morbid and bitter 24/7, give a guy a break.
Yesterday's post seemed a bit angry. It was. Right now I am not really struggling with the fact that I might be lonely. I am not really pursuing a relationship right now. I don't feel an overwhelming need for companionship or validation. I want love to be unexpected and natural. What I am angry about is having to say "NO!" absolutely to the prospect of a relationship in the future, be it with a guy or girl. I just don't want to be forced to close that door and be bitter and angry everyday. However, I don't want to be stringing myself along with false hope for a future romantic relationship. Additionally, I don't want to be worried about getting to close to a guy or girl and then falling in love. That would just be too confusing! How would I process that? What if my hetero-sexual attraction ends up being amplified eventually? I have such a terrible fear of not being in control and not having a plan. Living for today is much easier said than done.
Ok, I will end by giving my views on relationships (all sorts, not just romantic). This applies to girls, guys, gay, straight, bi-, confused, whatever. Disclaimer, just because this is how my mind operates, it does not mean my emotions don't get in the way.
Fear seems to be the biggest cause of people getting into relationships. Fear of being old and alone, or fear of not finding someone else who loves them. Fear of being sick and having nobody to care for you. NEWS FLASH! Being in a relationship does not guarantee you won't still end up alone and lonely. Your "one true love" might leave you or could even die. I know that is sad, but it's the truth. If you are going to try to hedge you bets for the future with something earthly, try money! You could buy an entire army of people to take care of you in the future. Start saving instead of looking for a man or woman to bring you security in your old age.
I feel that if Christ is at the center of your life, he will end up being at the center of your relationships. Of course, he can be pushed to the fringes if you neglect Him, but that is the nature of being human.
One last thing, being single is not a curse! While I do get envious of my friends that are in relationships, I am sure there are things they are envious of me for having. On a worldly level, I have a much higher disposable income and the freedom to make decisions without always considering my "significant other's" feelings. Also, I am free to hang out with whoever I want and get to know them on a very personal level without being worried that I am crossing a line or having an "emotional affair". I also get a chance to travel and pursue my passions and hobbies uninhibited by meeting the needs of my "partner". Still, the grass is always greener and there are definitely times when I want a relationship.
In conclusion (haha, that's from eighth grade 5 paragraph essays), just live your life. Honor God and love yourself and others to the best of your ability everyday. Life is not meant to be a burden.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Hey man,
just stumbled across your blog. Saw your comment somewhere else so thought I'd take a look. It's encouraging to hear you're facing up to these issues. I hope your journey leads you closer to God. It's a tough thing, admitting these feelings to anyone, but my experience has been positive. My relationships have grown stronger, and my walk with God has deepened - but it's been a pretty crazy journey. Look forward to hearing how you get on.
Bless you man,
Dave
It is good to read your blog. I found it from your comments on other ones I read. I am also a Christian guy who deals with the same kind of attractions to other guys, and I want to encourage you to continue to think these issues through yourself. Use the Bible as the basis for your decisions, also considering your own experience with God.
You said,"What I am angry about is having to say "NO!" absolutely to the prospect of a relationship in the future, be it with a guy or girl. I just don't want to be forced to close that door and be bitter and angry everyday."
From my own experience I can tell you that I can say "No" to romantic relationships without being bitter. The joy of a living relationship with Jesus Christ makes all the difference in the world! Also, I still have very close non-romantic friendships that are very fulfilling.
Post a Comment