Clarification

During a brief chat with a friend, I realized that I may be giving the wrong impression about how I got to where I am, and what exactly I believe. In this conversation my friend stated that he didn't know why by beliefs seemed to falter, to paraphrase, he could only see that I had become fed up with how other Christians acted. This, I know, is not an adequate reason for me to have a change in faith.

So here goes:

Reconciling Christianity and homosexuality became a major issue for me last spring. I could not stop reading about it. I read all sorts of books both Side A and Side B. I found the former quite wacky and the latter unsatisfying as well. I knew I must make a choice and that ultimately I could not find the answer in a book. For clarification, I do not think being attracted to guys is a sin and I do not think that sex within the context of committed, long-term relationships is immoral. Anyhow, what reading these books taught me is how little I knew about Christianity, church history, or the bible itself. It also opened up a whole new world of historical/critical analysis when it comes to the bible.

From this I started exploring my faith. Websites, books, DVD's, and the bible itself served as guides. I began really, really investigating. I had so many questions and doubts that had to be addressed. Never did I think I would move from my moderate faith to being somewhat godless.

Until last year I was ignorant. Absolutely ignorant. I didn't even know what words like eschatology, apologetics, Arminianism, or Calvinism meant. While my faith before had been about serving God I suppose I had always shied away from getting caught up in all the "religious" aspects of it. I was content with silently disagreeing or questioning without really pushing. For instance, I always had a problem with how the three major religions diverged after the OT. I was also a bit wary of some of the things in the New Testament like atonement. Also, I had a hard time feeling sadness for the crucifixion of Jesus if it was all God's divine plan anyway. However, I would suppress these doubts and work on other aspects of my faith, like loving more.

Unfortunately, I think after reading Religious Literacy, I could not stop trying to be religiously literate. I read and read (and am still reading). Figures like the early martyrs, Origen, Augustine, Calvin, Wesley, Luther, Paul, Josephus, and Tillich were all introduced to me. Before, I had a very light understanding of who these men and women were. In fact, I am still researching and reading the writings of many of them.

While I will admit the deterioration of my former faith was quicker than I had anticipated, the roads became closed off to me and there was no going back.

All this said, I by no means think that "I'm enlightened and loving, and people who adhere to doctrines are not" as it appears I may have presented myself.

What I am is seeking. I am a finite human trying to wrestle with big questions (like the meaning of life). Most of my friends are Christian, my family is Christian, the majority of my coworkers are Christian. I don't look down on them and judge them. Most people don't ever have any external force push them into critically evaluating their beliefs. Also, I don't think that they are all in bondage to religion and serving God solely to avoid eternal torment. That would be naive and arrogant.

That said, I must be vocal about things that are dead wrong. Calvinism and rapture "theology" are my two primary pet peeves. I suppose you can believe in Calvin's god, but to quote a friend, he is a monster. Any God that creates a being, against its will, and then banishes it to eternal hell is not loving. You can't give the cop-out answer of "we just don't understand" or the bullshit response of Eve eating a piece of fruit. These are intellectually and morally bankrupt. As far as the rapture, I don't know what's going to happen in the "end times", or after I die. I do know that Left Behind is NOT the way it will go down and there will not be some antichrist leading the nations.

Now, I absolutely hate it when people define themselves by what they don't like, don't believe, don't do, etc. I refuse to be one of those people. This means that my search will continue. While I may not find some new label, I do hope to find a faith I can share. Something that gives my life meaning, solves my existential crisis, and causes me to grow into a better, more mature, and more loving human being.

So, I am essentially starting from scratch. Moving from my inadequate theism, through this dark night of the soul, towards a destination currently unknown. I'm a ship that has left the harbor towards some distant port that may or may not exist. But it's all in the journey anyway, right?