People Pleaser

Hmmm...I am loathe to talk about the whole gay thing because I want to move this blog beyond that topic. There are bigger fish to fry! However, something (well a series of somethings) occurred that has made me bring the subject up again.

First, a random tangent. I recently purchased the new "The Fray" cd. Based on a series of recommendations from a wide spectrum of friends I decided to pony up the money. Alas, I only moderately enjoy it. I didn't buy their last album which should have factored into my decision this time. However, I trusted the wisdom of crowds and got saddled with a cd I don't really enjoy. That said, there have been instances in the past where I buy I cd, don't like it, shelve it, and then rediscover it and realize it's awesomeness years later. Therefore, in about two years look for a post where I talk about how much I love this cd.

Back on track:

I was chatting with a friend (from China) and she asked me if I had a girlfriend. I said no and thought she was going to change the subject, but she was relentless. She kept asking and asking and so I told her I dated guys. Of course, this is kind of hypothetical since I have not actually dated any guys. Anyhow, I further elaborated and explained the word in English was gay. She was extremely confused and thought I was kidding and after a terribly awkward conversation I rephrased it to where she did not think I was gay and I did not correct her.

A couple of months ago I was a groomsman in a wedding which was a lot of fun! I got to wear a tux which was quite exciting. However, it was too big and I look fat in all the wedding pictures.

Anyhow, in line with a friend the conversation turned towards if I was dating anyone (of course she asked if it was a girl). I told her "no" but she was a bit persistent. I can understand. It's odd for me to not be in a relationship or at least to not have just come off of a break-up and be in between relationships. I proceeded to explain how I was happy being single, etc., etc., and the conversation moved onto other subjects.

Later a family friend made a comment to my mom about how she could picture my wedding day. I knew this had to be hard for my mom and I confirmed this when we spoke the week after.

The question I ask is why? Why can I not come out to people? The truth is I don't want to make them uncomfortable. Telling people I'm attracted to guys is hard. It's easier to say I'm not interested in girls. I don't want to say I'm gay and have people think I am out having sex every night. I know this is ridiculous. However, I still assume that all guys want is sex. I still equate gay with sex and straight with relationships. It's horrible and I don't know how to overcome it. Why should I care what people assume about me? It's their own ignorance. I should be working to be honest about myself and work to change their assumptions. Unfortunately, this is not what I do.

Recently I had lunch with a friend. I kept meaning to tell her that I was gay but I kept stopping. I thought she would judge and condemn and I didn't want that. During the conversation she asked if there were any girls in my life. I said no. Eventually the conversation moved to books and I mentioned "The Commitment" by Dan Savage. She thought I was talking about a different book, but I proceeded to discuss this book and by default ended up telling her. It was insane that I almost choked up while in the process. It's like all the pain and confusion and anger and anxiety started to well up when I discussed it. I held it together just fine, but did end up pouring out my anxieties. Well, not all of anxieties. We only had an hour. After my sharing she proceeded to tell me that it didn't matter to her. Her first question was actually if I had been dating a friend of mine. It was great. She also told me about her gay uncle who has adopted three children from broken homes with his partner. She also mentioned a gay cousin. It was a complete non-issue and such a relief.

I don't know why I decided to share this story. I guess it sheds light on the two lives I am leading. On one side I have the rational guy who knows he's gay and has asked a guy out. He's open to dating and seriously considering it. On the other side is another me: terrified of what his friends and family will think of him. The guy frightened by the idea of a physical relationship who is still trying to develop a sexual attraction to women. The guy who pictures sexuality as a number line with gay being negative, asexual at 0, and straight as positive. I want to be at least asexual so that I could have a solid base to start my attraction to girls. Insane I know.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just swear off any romantic relationships. Shut the door now and deal with it. Of course, that's not what I want to do. Despite my fear and cynicism, I think a relationship would be great. I'm not expecting anything perfect or someone to "complete" me. I'm not wandering around missing a huge part of myself. Realistically I just need to take a step back and relax. Things have a way of working themselves out.