Journal

Since the beginning of college I have been keeping a journal. I was inspired by my mother and the cartoon character Doug. I am currently on my third volume. While reviewing them the other day I realized how far I have progressed on this journey and it has been a bit sobering.

Sometimes I have a tendency to rewrite the events of the past. When I was in the middle of battling this "temptation" and engaged in the "struggle" I would sometimes convince myself that I was not fighting hard enough. I would tell myself that some part of me wanted to be gay and that I was allowing myself to be gay. Even now having somewhat come to terms with my sexuality there are times when I wonder if maybe I just didn't try hard enough. However, a look at the things I wrote just a couple of years ago reveal that this is not the case:

"Daily I struggle with feelings of inadequacy, a struggle against desires I don't want to have"

"I think if I continue to fight temptation and stay resolved my life will improve"

"I am struggling with something horrible inside of me and need to be receptive to healing. It is a daily struggle and sometimes I don't know how much longer I can bear it. I just want it to vanish or be destroyed"

"I realize that this journal will be read when I die. Let me clarify something. I do not want to be gay. I don't know if people can 'get over it' but I am going to try"

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This is a very tiny sample revealing a glimpse of the turmoil I was going through. Looking back on the anguish I was in before I wonder how I accomplished anything in school. I also wonder how I was able to be so self absorbed. Did I not realize how much pain others were also enduring?

In my journals I rarely used the work gay or homosexual. I was much too closeted for that. I always alluded to a "great evil" or "temptation" or "this struggle". What I was referring to was the fact that I was sexually attracted to guys. I would get sucked into watching stuff on youtube (not even porn) and feel extremely guilty if not physically ill afterward. A lot of effort was put into trying to end this attraction. I will not go into what now seem comical lengths to overcome "this evil", but trust me when I say they were exhaustive. From working out, to befriending more straight guys, to praying for the lust to stop, I was desperate to try anything.