I recently had a very heated exchange with someone I consider I friend. It was related to sexuality and Christianity. I ended the conversation exceptionally frustrated and in a situation where I found myself unable to understand the motivations of the other person. It was an argument that led nowhere for either party. Ironically we both care deeply about each other and feel like the other is completely missing the point. At least, that's my interpretation of the events that transpired.
The conversation made me realize that I need to be more candid about my beliefs and core convictions, in person and online. Since I enjoy a moderate level of anonymity here, I'm going to start posting about my movement from Conservative Christianity towards agnosticism/atheism. This was something I've somewhat avoided talking about, but the time has come to share this part of my narrative.
As I've mentioned before, I'm hesitant to tell people of my lack of faith due to the fact they will assume it's because I'm gay. I (rightly or wrongly) feel people assume I changed my beliefs because I couldn't cope with being gay and I wanted to sin freely. I've mentioned this before (The Gay Thing) so I won't rehash.
The thing is, my coming out did act as a catalyst to the erosion of my former belief system, but it was certainly not the cause. The cause was that my beliefs could not be sustained. As I learned more, I HAD to change my beliefs.
I'm going to start with a basic example, the Gospels. While I had read the gospels in bits and pieces over the years, I never really read them all together. However, I ate up the fact they were eye witness accounts of the life of Jesus Christ. I believed they explained a virgin birth and a divine being and all the basic things a real, true Christian is supposed to believe. I was pretty much a biblical literalist and thought it had some kind of magical powers*. However, as I started reading gay-friendly theology (much of which I found weak), I did get turned onto some really great Christian authors that exposed me to a lot of truth about the Bible I didn't even know! It started with evangelicals like Tony Campolo (who I'm still a fan of**), Emergents like Brian McLaren, and academics like Peter Gomes. From this further reading of CHRISTIAN literature I realized how backwards I was in my thinking.
Now, I know backwards sounds harsh, but so I will defend my use of the term. Here in this world there are things that are true and there are things that are untrue. Of course, the universe is not black and white. Nevertheless, there are core convictions of biblical, literalist Christianity that can be proven false. Plus, you don't even have to look outside the bible! I assume 99% of you are already aware of this and can even chuckle a bit at those "poor literalists" who still believe everything they read (like a literal 7 day creation and dinosaurs on the ark). Tragically, I shared many beliefs with those people. But as I was challenged in my faith by counter-evidence I was able find peace by reading things as metaphor and finding passages that supported my new doctrines (such as pluralism).
In the long run these attempts to salvage a belief in a biblical god ultimately failed.
*At one point in my life I posted scripture on a bulletin board in my room in the hopes that "storing it in my heart" would strengthen my fight against gay thoughts.
**"50,000 people around the world died of hunger today. That's bad, but what's worse is that most of us don't give a damn. But what's even worse is that for many of us it is more bothersome that I just said the word 'damn' than that I said 50,000 children of God died of hunger." - Tony Campolo
Note: I'm pressed for time today so forgive any grammatical errors.
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4 comments:
"The thing is, my coming out did act as a catalyst to the erosion of my former belief system, but it was certainly not the cause. The cause was that my beliefs could not be sustained. As I learned more, I HAD to change my beliefs."
Thank you for articulating what I have so long felt in my heart! I too was a literalist. And while I still claim to be Christian, it is not easy to live in the grey area. Though black and white does not mesh with reality and (like you) I could no longer honestly believe in it, life was easier in a way back then.
I guess I just can't give up on God. Because I don't believe He's given up on me. And I can't make life work without thinking there is a God. I think sometimes when we come from fundamentalist backgrounds we get ingrained in thinking that if we don't buy that brand of faith we can't have any.
Of course i'm not trying to change your mind. All my apologetics techniques went out the window when that literalist world view did. I'm just saying that there are radically different ways to view God/faith/life even within Christendom. For example, I'm attending the Lutheran church which is much more centered on social justice and living out God's message of making the world a better place. I connect with that. I hope you don't give it all up.
Yay Lutherans!
Hey Pomo. It's always good to hear from you. I will say, I do like mainstream denominations more than I thought I would. I attend a United Church of Christ here in town from time to time. The Lutherans I know are good people too. Haha.
I'm glad that you're finding some clarity, regardless of what you decide. As an atheist, I would love to see you come over to the dark side. ; )
But seriously, I think a lot of people have this misconception that homosexuality is a choice and that "they want to sin". I've been having this discussion with some belligerent military wives about DADT. They seem to think while their straight relationships are normal and instinctual, that gays are making a conscious decision, and they are unrelenting about bisexual. Your posting scripture on your wall is very poignant. I've had openly gay men tell me, even in their confidence, "Nobody wants this. I just wanted to be like all the other boys." It's heartbreaking. I don't understand the fear and vitriol towards people who are just being who they're meant to be, and aren't harming anyone. Then again, I'm a dirty heathen.
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