Sex

This post is being brought back to life with a few minor tweaks. I am separating the two original topics "Sex" and "Love". This is not going to be graphic or titillating, but it will be blunt.

I have really been making an effort to remove fear from my life. I try to take an honest account of my emotions and make decisions more on my head than my carnal desires or human nature. Now, I won't say I am always successful in this endeavor, but I will say that it does help me make more rational decisions and create a higher quality of life.

Unfortunately, since I no longer live in a world of denial and repressed feelings, I have quite a few dilemmas, especially when it comes to dating

I have determined that fear is the main impediment to me dating right now. The primary fears are related to the reactions of my family and friends and the fact that I don't know if I have the patience, love, and strength to wait for them to accept me being gay or the fact that I am in a relationship. Additionally, my grandparents (one pair) are adamantly against "homosexuality" and I don't want this to drive a wedge in our already distant relationship, especially because my grandfather has prostate cancer that is untreatable.

I do think I can overcome these external circumstances, and I feel that if I meet someone I truly love I will not be ashamed of them and will be okay being open about our relationship.

The real hurdles are internal and have a lot to do with sex and other things involved in a relationship. I suppose I will start by saying that I am a virgin. I have also never dated a guy or even kissed a guy. All of my close relationships (that were dating like) have been with girls, and since I have never had the desire to be physically intimate I haven't.

I am at the point where I am working through the changes in the script of my life. These changes include finding a significant other who is a guy, or remaining single.

Rules have always played a major part of my life. They are as important to me as cookies and "to do" lists. However, I don't know what the rules are for me dating guys. I had always planned on getting married and losing my virginity on my honeymoon. My future life was built all around the idea of a guy/girl couple. We would set up house, start a family, host church home group, etc. I had planned on being married by 25 and having a young family. I would be a super cool hippie dad, and we would take the kids around the world. Now, I know some of you reading this might be screaming "HE CAN HAVE THAT WITH A GUY", and I suppose I can. I am just not there yet.

I have never (with one complicated exception) allowed myself to develop emotional intimacy with someone I am sexually attracted too. This most likely contributes to the feeling that I won't find someone to share my life with. I do have intimacy in my life within several friendships. These friendships are very rare and take years to develop, but are vital to a healthy life.

My dating philosophy is to turn friendships into something more. I think you really have to gauge someone before you enter into a relationship. Therefore, I am hesitant to start a long distance relationship (though there are some potentials) and I am not keen on trying to pick up some cute guy on a whim.

I have a friend who I had a crush on since the day I met him. He came out recently and we have become closer. While I definitely know he is too immature for me to date at this present moment (and probably ever) I still care about him greatly. He has taken a different approach to dating. and is obsessed with romantic gestures and the "Hallmark" version of love. He makes iTunes playlists with his boyfriend's name as the title and pines over his love from afar. He talks about him incessantly and I will probably hit something the next time I have to hear about how "hot" he is. Now, being the emotionally aware person I am, there are two reasons this makes me so upset. The first is jealousy (that he can be so carefree and that he has someone) and the second is that his relationship forces me to acknowledge that sexual attraction does have to play a role in a relationship.

The last reason may sound odd so I will elaborate. Two friends were at the apartment the other day and I was talking about my past relationships with girls and one said "the only problem was she didn't have a penis". He was not trying to be insincere or a jerk, but I was quite upset by the statement. Unfortunately, I have to admit it's true. Not that I am obsessed with sex organs, it was the fact that she was not a guy. I (despite my best efforts) am not sexually attracted to women. I have tried so many times to be. I don't think they are ugly or disgusting. I can definitely acknowledge their attractiveness, I just don't have the same feelings for them as I do for guys. I suppose a part of me still wants love to conquer all and for me to enter into a relationship with a girl devoid of physical intimacy. I still hate to admit that something so carnal, so human has such a key role in my daily life.

I know this post is spiraling out of control, so I will head for home.

I definitely want physical passion in my relationships, but it has to go hand in hand with a much deeper love. This is a love that I have experienced with close friends and I will have a form of in my relationship with my future significant other. It is the Catherine/Heathcliff, Mr. Darcy/Elizabeth kind of love. A love that burns in defiance and lasts eternally.

This is what I want and I will be committed to chastity and my own moral standards until it comes. It can just be hard sometimes, especially with opposing voices telling you to be celibate, straight, or a slut. You just have to look inside and be confident in your own voice.