Being

I usually have 1000 things I want to blog about. I make lots of lists with topics, have several drafts saved, and am quite frankly a bit obsessive. Lately my focus has been on a few big posts. I want them to be well thought out and intelligent, but concise enough to maintain your interest. I may never finish.

My addiction to blogging began my freshman year of college. I was actually introduced to it by my brother. My first love was Xanga, and it served me well for four years.

In the meantime, I leave you with a few things that have been happening in my life. I am going out of town again for a bit, so I may have nothing new for awhile. It depends on the weekend.

Recent thoughts/happenings:

1. I am horrified by the fact that I now have to trim my nose hair. I know this is gross, but it's true. I thought this would not happen until I was 60! What is happening to me?
   
2. Although I rail against owning an animal, I am beginning to have an affection for dogs. I won't be getting one anytime soon, but maybe one day in the distant future. Maybe.
3. I am once again hopelessly confused about whether to buy or rent starting this spring. I guess it will depend on whether the economy collapses or not.
4. I have decided that unless something/someone more important comes along, I am going to go to graduate school in Scotland. My aim is 2011 or 2012. I know it's a ways off.
5. Lots of my friends are having babies (not all under the best circumstances) and it provides me an excuse to buy absolutely adorable clothes at The Children's Place and Baby Gap.
6. Life is pretty darn good, seriously.
   
7. Politics is making me passionate! I have actually donated money to a campaign and I cannot wait to vote. I am currently not registered with either party, but that may change.
8. I really, really, really want to take a weekend getaway (by myself). Unfortunately, I am being responsible and paying off my credit cards, so the trips will have to wait until I am out of the hole.
9. Last weekend I went to Six Flags. The lines were almost non-existent for the majority of the day. I rode the Mr. Freeze coaster twice in 10 minutes. It was awesome.
   
10. I am getting back in touch with my emotions.
11. Last Sunday I woke up and words were welling up inside me. I had to write. I grabbed a pen and the back of an envelope and wrote. I wish this would happen more often.
    

Yesterday I was searching my Gmail for a quote I had emailed myself and stumbled across this:

"The peace I feel is definitely accompanied with a little bit of trepidation and uncertainty of what the future holds. All (or most) of the plans I had for the future have changed, but it's ok. Life has to be uncertain or it would not be worth living. I know that my optimistic view and brief moment of perceived clarity will probably give way to a season of cynicism, but this too is natural. It's just being human."

I wrote this back in the spring, and I must say that I have definitely just come out of a season of cynicism. I am impressed by the perceptiveness of my past self.

Lately I have reverted to the self that blocks off emotion. I allowed fear, anger, and jealousy to take too great a hold. Thankfully that is over. May my misanthropic, jaded, cynical self stay away for awhile.

I don't wish that I could be, I am being.

Blog Reader Bill of Rights

As I work to limit my posting to 4 times a month (I doubt this will really be happening) I feel compelled to issue a Bill of Rights for all of my readers so they know where they stand under this new format.

Blog Reader Bill of Rights:

Readers will not watch this blog degrade into an outlet for me to channel all of my middle class white boy anxiety.

Readers will not have to offer me validation by leaving comments.

Readers will always be allowed a glimpse into my genius/madness.

Readers will be allowed to correct any grievous grammar or spelling mistakes, as long as it is done in an unpretentious manner.

Blog Reader Expectations:

Readers will be expected to understand all allusions and pop culture references I make, even if this requires you to spend time on YouTube and Wikipedia.

Readers will think, reason, question, and pray.

Readers will understand that I do not profess to have exclusive ownership of the Truth or even many truths.

Readers will indulge me when I decide to post things like this.

Letters

I really enjoy sending letters/notes to people. I enjoy picking out stationery, writing things by hand, sealing the envelope, putting on the stamp, and whisking it away via the USPS. I especially love sending packages. I just wanted to share the joy and encourage you to write a letter the next time you want to talk to someone.

My last post was a horrible reminder of my own humanity. I tend to perceive myself as stoic and cold, but that's far from the case. However, I do fear becoming too cynical and jaded, but I doubt that will really happen. I am a big fan of whimsy and it has the lovely effect of negating cynicism.

Hope is returning in fuller force to my life. It's not that it had completely receded, it was just less tangible. For a long while I felt ennui creeping in like some vapor cloud as I swung furiously with a golf club beating it off (a futile endeavor). I know that is an odd choice of imagery, but it was truly the picture I got whenever I closed my eyes over the past couple of months.

I do wonder if I am too candid on this blog and am curious what picture of myself I have painted. Am I a crazy, self-absorbed, pretentious twentysomething or some overthinking, moody, pseudo-intellectual? Hopefully I leave a positive impression, I try to be a positive force in the real world. Still, I have a nasty habit of caring too much about the impressions of others. Nevertheless, I try not to sugarcoat what I write about and strive for authenticity.

This post is quite meaningless. I am going to work diligently to complete some posts I have been saving for quite some time. I try to be like a certain someone (well, someones) whose posts I find are generally well thought out and poignant.

Good Night.

Sex

This post is being brought back to life with a few minor tweaks. I am separating the two original topics "Sex" and "Love". This is not going to be graphic or titillating, but it will be blunt.

I have really been making an effort to remove fear from my life. I try to take an honest account of my emotions and make decisions more on my head than my carnal desires or human nature. Now, I won't say I am always successful in this endeavor, but I will say that it does help me make more rational decisions and create a higher quality of life.

Unfortunately, since I no longer live in a world of denial and repressed feelings, I have quite a few dilemmas, especially when it comes to dating

I have determined that fear is the main impediment to me dating right now. The primary fears are related to the reactions of my family and friends and the fact that I don't know if I have the patience, love, and strength to wait for them to accept me being gay or the fact that I am in a relationship. Additionally, my grandparents (one pair) are adamantly against "homosexuality" and I don't want this to drive a wedge in our already distant relationship, especially because my grandfather has prostate cancer that is untreatable.

I do think I can overcome these external circumstances, and I feel that if I meet someone I truly love I will not be ashamed of them and will be okay being open about our relationship.

The real hurdles are internal and have a lot to do with sex and other things involved in a relationship. I suppose I will start by saying that I am a virgin. I have also never dated a guy or even kissed a guy. All of my close relationships (that were dating like) have been with girls, and since I have never had the desire to be physically intimate I haven't.

I am at the point where I am working through the changes in the script of my life. These changes include finding a significant other who is a guy, or remaining single.

Rules have always played a major part of my life. They are as important to me as cookies and "to do" lists. However, I don't know what the rules are for me dating guys. I had always planned on getting married and losing my virginity on my honeymoon. My future life was built all around the idea of a guy/girl couple. We would set up house, start a family, host church home group, etc. I had planned on being married by 25 and having a young family. I would be a super cool hippie dad, and we would take the kids around the world. Now, I know some of you reading this might be screaming "HE CAN HAVE THAT WITH A GUY", and I suppose I can. I am just not there yet.

I have never (with one complicated exception) allowed myself to develop emotional intimacy with someone I am sexually attracted too. This most likely contributes to the feeling that I won't find someone to share my life with. I do have intimacy in my life within several friendships. These friendships are very rare and take years to develop, but are vital to a healthy life.

My dating philosophy is to turn friendships into something more. I think you really have to gauge someone before you enter into a relationship. Therefore, I am hesitant to start a long distance relationship (though there are some potentials) and I am not keen on trying to pick up some cute guy on a whim.

I have a friend who I had a crush on since the day I met him. He came out recently and we have become closer. While I definitely know he is too immature for me to date at this present moment (and probably ever) I still care about him greatly. He has taken a different approach to dating. and is obsessed with romantic gestures and the "Hallmark" version of love. He makes iTunes playlists with his boyfriend's name as the title and pines over his love from afar. He talks about him incessantly and I will probably hit something the next time I have to hear about how "hot" he is. Now, being the emotionally aware person I am, there are two reasons this makes me so upset. The first is jealousy (that he can be so carefree and that he has someone) and the second is that his relationship forces me to acknowledge that sexual attraction does have to play a role in a relationship.

The last reason may sound odd so I will elaborate. Two friends were at the apartment the other day and I was talking about my past relationships with girls and one said "the only problem was she didn't have a penis". He was not trying to be insincere or a jerk, but I was quite upset by the statement. Unfortunately, I have to admit it's true. Not that I am obsessed with sex organs, it was the fact that she was not a guy. I (despite my best efforts) am not sexually attracted to women. I have tried so many times to be. I don't think they are ugly or disgusting. I can definitely acknowledge their attractiveness, I just don't have the same feelings for them as I do for guys. I suppose a part of me still wants love to conquer all and for me to enter into a relationship with a girl devoid of physical intimacy. I still hate to admit that something so carnal, so human has such a key role in my daily life.

I know this post is spiraling out of control, so I will head for home.

I definitely want physical passion in my relationships, but it has to go hand in hand with a much deeper love. This is a love that I have experienced with close friends and I will have a form of in my relationship with my future significant other. It is the Catherine/Heathcliff, Mr. Darcy/Elizabeth kind of love. A love that burns in defiance and lasts eternally.

This is what I want and I will be committed to chastity and my own moral standards until it comes. It can just be hard sometimes, especially with opposing voices telling you to be celibate, straight, or a slut. You just have to look inside and be confident in your own voice.

Home

I just returned home from being out of town for a week. While I greatly enjoyed the people and places I visited this past week, there is definitely something special about home and I am very glad to be here.

On the ride back into town, the conversation took a rather odd turn to the morbid. Conversation between coworkers usually has to do with the latest project, department news, our field, CPA exams, and the like. Instead, we began really talking about things that mattered and it was very refreshing.

I mentioned how I was bad about keeping in touch with my parents and how I should do a better job of calling them. Alex mentioned that on a trip back from New Orleans he was really tired and meant to call his mother but put it off until the next day. That following day she died and he thinks about that night from time to time and how he could have had that last contact if he had just picked up the phone. A very similar story was told by Casey involving her grandmother.
It got me thinking about the urgency with which we should live our lives and how horribly off my focus is nearly 100% of the time.

My ability to complain, whine, moan, bitch, and pretty much be a seed of discontent is limitless. It comes naturally. Why can't I just be grateful? There are absolutely a ton of things to be grateful for, yet I let my petty worries and fears get in the way of my contentment.

I am probably being too hard on myself. I strive daily to be thankful for what I have, but my selfish, deceitful heart often prevents me from totally being content and living in the moment. Nevertheless, the guy I am today is a vast improvement over who I was years ago. I am most definitely a work in process and I plan on being one until I take my dirt nap.

Another realization from this trip is that I am entirely too severe. Maybe I'll bring that up again at another date.

Just because

This is totally just an experiment to see if I can post an update from my iPod.

Test.

I will work on a witty, wise, and wonderful post full of alliteration this weekend.

Perspective

I don't really have much to say. I am a bit tired of talking. I am going to do a bit more listening and meditating for awhile.

I have been reflecting on my life up to this point and I realize it is nearly impossible to have an objective view of past events. I feel like I rewrite things that have happened in an effort to minimize conflict. I hope that does not sound cryptic.

The weather here is changing and it makes me excited. I love cool/cold weather. Coats are my favorite.

I was talking to a friend the other day about having an old soul. She has one as well. I feel that if my outside matched how I felt on the inside I would be knocking on death's door.

Unless something super fun or noteworthy happens in the next 48 hours I will be away until next weekend. It's time for another business trip! It's not to anywhere glamorous, but I will have an opportunity to read, write, and relax.

Goodnight.

Haha, I almost forgot about the title of this post! Whenever I used to get overwhelmed with life I would go to my favorite chain coffee store and sit out on the patio. It sits next to one of the busiest streets in my city and I would see hundreds of cars go by. Each car containing one or more people. People trying to make it through their own journeys. People living, loving, laughing, crying, hurting, rejoicing...just being human.

It helps put things in perspective.

Pain

I hurt! I have taken up running again. Hmmm, this makes it sound as if I was once an avid runner but fell off the wagon. The truth is that I have not really run since last summer (and earlier this spring as I was dealing with the stress of coming out).

I was going to put off running today, but decided I could not. I already caved and ate lunch out, had a cookie, ate pop-tarts for breakfast, and picked up ice cream during work! Something had to counteract all of this fattiness! Anyhow, I really enjoy running. I feel so good afterwards. While I used to hate sweating, I find the sweat induced by running strangely satisfying. It's proof that I have done something. I have exerted effort and worked towards a goal.

I run around my university. It's a nice rectangular shape and I keep to the perimeter. I attempt to run 3 times a week with a new goal each day. First to the mailbox, then the end of the drive, then the corner, then the lamppost, the bus stop, the other corner, the track, the big tree, the library, etc. It's so hard sometimes. I can see the day's goal in sight, but I just want to quit. I frantically skip through the songs in my shuffle trying to find something upbeat (why does Hey There Delilah always come on, also, what was I thinking when I decided to download it?) Anyhow, despite the pain I achieved my goal today. I may regret this tomorrow if my shins hurt, but until then I am happy. I will keep taking it one day at at time. Getting further and further each day.

The ultimate goal will be to achieve "shirt optional" status where I am so sexy I don't need to worry about running in a shirt. Haha. I don't think that day will ever be coming...I will probably think I am too boney to go shirtless.

*I am aware today is Labor Day, so I really was not at work. This is just one of those old posts that had been simmering. Plus, I did run today.