On Faith

A question I've been pondering as I take the time to search my heart is "why?" Why do I act the way I do, say the things I say, believe the things I believe? What are my motivations?

As I grapple with questions of "faith" (such an obtuse word, isn't it?) I wonder what's the point. Why am I so obsessed with finding answers and what does it mean for me?

Last December I went to Downtown Disney with my Aunt, Uncle, cousin (three years old), and my Aunt's mother. Downtown Disney is a rather amazing tribute to materialism. It's a family friendly (with the exception of a few bars/clubs) destination where you can eat, shop, and be entertained. They even have a theatre featuring Cirque Du Soleil. Full disclosure: I love malls and shopping. I don't think this fact has been hidden on this blog. Downtown Disney was great!

Anyhow, the parking lots were PACKED. We drove and drove searching for an empty spot. My Aunt's mother said a prayer for us to find a spot and lo' and behold we found one. She told my cousin (her granddaughter) to observe how Jesus was listening.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. REALLY? Jesus is helping find a f*ing parking space so we can spend money on things we don't need, made by people who are probably living in squalor? This is God's will? Faith is about finding a parking space in a crowded mall? I was so horribly distraught and this experience has been haunting me ever since.

Faith has got to be about love, nothing else. Our ultimate concern must be love. Unfiltered, unconditional love. I think that's what Christianity was/is about. That's a Christianity I love and the reason I can't seem to tear myself away from it.

However, I think we have so corrupted this love. Loving people for no reason/reward is hogwash! We all know that. We must add in heaven and hell. We have to serve God and love people so that we will go to heaven (works based), or grace alone must provide our personal salvation. Of course, we know heaven is waiting for us. When we get there it will be so fantastic to peer over the guard rails and see all those heathens and sinners roasting below, that will show them!

What happened to unconditional love? What happened to goodness for goodness sake? How has morality become so corrupted and religion transformed into personal piety instead of saving a dying world?

Let me perfectly clear. I love religion. I honestly do. Also, I must be very clear in stating the faith that I had (and still have) is all about love. While I did for many years also believe that God would take away my sexual attraction to guys, that was not what my faith was primarily about. Spreading God's love and transforming the world was/is my passion. Unfortunately, through my studies of Christianity I reached the conclusion that I was not really a Christian. A Christian must be someone who believes in a literal resurrection, atonement, and a deity who is actively working in the world. This has caused my loss of "faith".

I no longer believe in a God who is intervening in my daily activities. This loss has been traumatic. For now I believe in agape love, which takes faith. It's not the same as saying life is meaningless. I don't think it is, I just think you have to find meaning. Everything is not vanity, as it may feel and seem at times. Our only options are not suicide or getting high to overcome our existential dilemma. I think you can lead a faithful life. I think you can commit to change. I think you can commit to love.

No, it's not easy, no it's not convenient. Yes, it feels stupid sometimes. You feel like a sucker. You think: "Why the hell am I trying to love these ungrateful idiots? What's the point? I should just go shopping, maybe get some ice cream. I'm sure these people will work things out for themselves."

When I talk about Jesus and God I realize that everyone comes with their own preconceived notions and beliefs. When I mention God and Jesus we probably are talking about entirely different concepts. There is the temptation to say that I have fallen away from Christ and am just recreating him to make him more palatable. "He comes with a sword! He is coming again to restore order. He wants you to repent and come to Him." My question is, what then? You keep him close and pray for parking spots? You wait for the the end days with your RSVP for Heaven? Surely faith requires more than this. Surely it means doing something. Surely Jesus is a call to action, not a source of guilt and in the same token a way to assuage it.

My father told me and my brother that "we lived in a haze". It was when I was in high school and I was incensed! "Live in a haze? I know a lot! I am in the Top 10 of my class! I've read a ton of the classics, I know Calculus, I am so wordly". Only now do I understand his words and realize how much of a haze I live in. How carefully I've crafted this world of illusion around me.

At times I have been driven to the brink. I obsess about the meaning of life and the reality that I won't (and may never) understand. I become overly melancholy until I snap out of it and realize how absolutely selfish and idiotic I am. PEOPLE ARE DYING. PEOPLE ARE STARVING. RIGHT NOW! Here I am, so self-absorbed in my cozy apartment with my HD satellite, iMac, car, corporate job, organic fruit, iPod, cell phone, 40'' tv, and $200 peacoat, WHINING! How do I look myself in the mirror?

And yet, here I am blogging. Talking instead of doing. When I do put love in action it's at a slower pace than I want it to be. I feel like I should be saving the world and should see the fruits of my labor immediately. Unfortunately that's not the way it works. It takes patience and small steps.

I pray for the courage to defy tradition and the backwards ambition of the world. Let me get over my own ego enough to be radical. To change. To continue to be moved to action. Amen.