Struggling to Rebuild

I was going to write this out in a Word document before posting it. However, I feel like providing more of an actual snapshot of where I am now and what I am feeling. This will be the first of a few meaty posts that will be coming up in the near future.

A little while ago I had a startling revelation. I realized that the only reason I am a Christian is because I grew up in the United States and my parents are Christian. This has pretty much thrown my world into turmoil. Okay, this might be a bit melodramatic, but it has some truth. I have been exhausting myself and drowning in my own thoughts. I am wondering if the maxim "An idle mind is the devil's playground" is actually true. I feel that an overactive mind would prove to be much more fertile ground.

Anyway, I have decided to rebuild my faith. Just because I was essentially indoctrinated, there is no reason that Christianity is not the truth. I just have to believe for myself.

The skeptic in me is running rampant and I don't think you could find anyone more skeptical at this point in time. I have been questioning the existence of God, the divinity of Christ, and pretty much every other tenet of my faith. However, as a pretend Christian for the past decade I find my faith wasn't really founded on much.

In my constant struggle to find truth I have decided to start from the beginning. What do I ABSOLUTELY believe?

1. Man is NOT essentially good. I know me and I know others. We are not good people. We are selfish, arrogant, greedy, apathetic, and more. The notion that humankind is decent does not fly with me. I don't think we are all worthless, just that we are definitely not good.

2. There is a God or some higher power. However, I have been questioning whether the God of the Israelites is this God. I am not so quick to claim "transitive property" and declare Higher Power = God of the Israelites, God of the Israelites = Jesus Christ, Higher Power = Jesus Christ.

3. The divinity of Christ I have also been skeptical of. I am not going to lie. I have been trying to work this out and really wonder if I believe in the resurrection.

Now, before you think I am going to jump on the "New Atheist" bandwagon, please understand that I have tried atheism twice and it just did not work out.

Please accept my profound apologies for the utter chaos that is this blog.

I guess I will end by stating reasons why I believe in God and Christianity.

1. Christianity makes sense. Atonement, Grace, Mercy, and the message of Jesus Christ is INCREDIBLE. I love the message and I want to be a follower of Christ. However, if I am really a Christ follower I must love Christ and not just the message.

2. Something has to take care of sin and God/Jesus Christ seems to fit that bill.

3. I have felt God moving in my life. So many things have happened in my life that I cannot just claim were chance. Even the skeptic in me won't allow me to believe this. The odds have just been too slim. Believe me, I have been trying to argue away some of things that have happened and relegate them to chance, but it is just not working. In fact, something happened today that just seemed to be setup by God. It allowed me to have a beautiful, honest conversation about all the things I am writing about now. I felt so much hope and relief and understanding that it's all going to be okay and I cannot lose the love of God.

I have decided that my future posts will be far more organized. It is not fair for me to make you jump around my random thoughts.

I cannot help but sense an echo of a Grand Design in life. Everyday I continue to passionately pursue God and live a life of Christian love. I know that God did not say "seek Me in vain". Therefore, I will continue to pursue, knowing that I am not alone in this journey.