Honesty (3)

Marriage has been on my mind a lot lately. My brother is getting married and I just attended a wedding of a girl I liked for some time. I try not to be bitter or cynical, but it's hard. I get so angry seeing a ceremony that I won't ever have. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable marrying a guy.

College was the place I was supposed to find my wife. While I never officially dated any girls in high school, I figured I would find someone in college. Of course, I am speaking from the point of view of the me who figured with enough time, prayer, and healing I would overcome my attraction to guys and get married. Actually, I had planned on suppressing "this temptation" for the rest of my life. In school I met two girls that I considered marrying. Thankfully I did not pursue a romantic relationship with either. Enough pain was caused by the relationships we did form.

I would be lying if I said I don't think about marriage (to a woman) a lot. While I know I don't have the desire to rip off some girls clothes, this would at least mean my wife wouldn't have to worry about infidelity. I also have great taste in fashion and love shopping and I feel like I will be a great dad. I am super competitive (though not into sports) and I like action movies, science, and business. Marrying a girl would be so easy! If I got married to a girl I would obviously tell her that I am attracted to guys. This of course means our relationship would be devoid of physical intimacy. I am sure we could cuddle and I could have sex when it comes time to make some babies. Of course, I then realize how silly this idea is. All of my past relationships with girls have ended painfully. I have broken a lot of hearts all because there was no physical intimacy. I never got beyond holding hands.

I have had experience seeing the results of marriages where one partner is gay. It does not end well. The stories I have seen first hand and all I have researched online make me realize this option is closed off to me. Despite all I do to try and convince myself I might be attracted to girls, it does not work. Believe me, I have tried a lot. Still, there is a very real part of me that thinks maybe I just haven't met the right girl. Maybe one day this will all just go away.

Currently my sexuality is not some source of pain and stress like it was for so long. I am not living in fear, shame, and guilt. I feel sane. I have not been having the mood swings and all the anxiety and stress that came when I was struggling so much to stop my sexual attraction to guys. I no longer tally the days I have gone without giving into "temptation" in the hopes that one day I will no longer be gay. For this I am thankful.

All I know is that I continue to move forward in a direction I had never imagined. I am second guessing myself continually and frantically adjusting my 6, 12, 18, 24, etc. month goals in some desperate attempt to regain control. I am compelled to move forward and am grateful for it. The calling to change, grow, do, be, and love is becoming louder and I cannot drown in out. Slowly I am growing into a better version of myself. I am ready to take the chances that will lead to growth and am already taking some of them. They are, however, carefully calculated to minimize risk.

Some days I feel close to the ineffable reality we call God. I experience transcendence and "faith". Hope is tangible and love is still a cause worthy of my time and energy. Other days I feel a bit cut off. I view humanity as a species headed towards extinction with its individual members spending their lives groping around in the dark searching for meaning that always proves elusive.

I know I am being whiny and stupid but forgive me. Eventually I will be okay with this. One day I will stop being confused about everything. I will have the courage to not worry so much about the future. I will accept these attractions. I will find peace with God. I am very aware of how fortunate I am and how my problems (if you even could call them that) are nothing in comparison to those who are dying of famine and disease at this very moment. Nevertheless, this blog is supposed to be a place where I share all parts of my "journey".

End of pity party. Thanks for attending.