Skipper

I am currently skipping church. I have been debating whether to find a new church or not, but I am going to stick with my current one through the summer. I really enjoy it. We are having a sermon about homosexuality later this fall, and this will help determine whether I stay*. I recently discovered that I do not agree with all the official church doctrine. I am convinced the part I disagree with was not in the doctrine when I joined, but I may just be forgetting. A part of me wants to be like the Dickinson poem "Some Keep the Sabbath..." but I guess I'm not cut out for it.

I am in a strange place with my faith. Last week I used the word Christian, but did not feel I was talking about myself. However, that's not necessarily a bad thing. I have grown disillusioned with many Christians, but I am not ready to abandon the church.

I went for a run/walk/sit and mediate this morning, and it was absolutely wonderful. While in the midst of this existential crisis coupled with a dark night of the soul, I have realized how to a certain extent it is absolutely absurd! No matter how much I exhaust myself with complex thoughts and pretty theology, I have no frackin' clue if I am right. There are things I know I can be doing that actually amount to something. I can love other people, I can free myself from being owned by my possessions, I can become a good steward of resources, I can bless others.

Things will work themselves out in the end. I guess I am just still caught between wanting to know all the answers and knowing that I can't have them.

I went to Georgia's apartment yesterday. We finally got a system hooked up that will allow her to record to VHS tapes. She is 85 so the leap to DVR might have been too great. I am rather impressed that she owns an LCD tv and DVD player. I had a chance to covertly scope out her library. It contained Whitman, Tillich, and O'Connor. I also found out she used to teach in a Masters program for Social Work and before that had a career with the Presbyterian church. We have also decided to start loaning each other DVDs. She is borrowing Pride and Prejudice and I am borrowing Sideways. She then joked that she could borrow my porn in the future. Hearing an 85 year old say "porn" cracked me up. FYI, I don't own any porn and have only accidentally viewed it. I will be honest and say that I did struggle with some soft-core "pornish" stuff, but that has diminished significantly since coming out. I suppose it was just the only outlet all of my repressed sexuality had. I don't know why I am telling you this. I guess to dispel the notion that all people attracted to the same sex are sex addicts...of course, you already knew this.

Well, I should really be getting on with my day. There is packing to be done and I need to run to Target. I hope you all have a fabulous week and I will post when I return from Florida.

Bonus points if you caught the Battlestar Galactica reference...although I am aware some of you reading this post don't appreciate its brilliance, haha.

* I don't mind if they say homosexual sex is a sin. I guess the Christian part of me is still working that out. I do find it hard to say that something I don't consider immoral is a sin, but do I have to believe that to be a Christian? This is rhetorical. My main concern is that their stance will be like that of another bible study I attended. The pastor said that God said "be fruitful, not fruity" and it was "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve". I did not realize people would ever actually say such ignorant things. I have a hard time believing we even serve the same God. How can someone be so ignorant? Do they not realize how hard people (including myself) fought to change their orientation? How about a message of love and support? Why don't they say "let's have a conversation, tell me your story" instead of blasting hatred and disdain?

Untitled

I really had no idea what to name this post, hence "untitled". However, as I have mentioned before in my other blog, "untitled" really is a title...

I retired my Xanga the other day. It served me well throughout college. I may post occasionally, but for the most part I am done. This affair with blogger destroyed our relationship. Due to my pseudo-anonymity the other blog will remain unlinked. Your loss, I thought I had quite a few hilarious posts. I fear my sense of humor is stifled here by my weighty discussions and frequent whining.

The next 48 hours of my life are very hectic (recurring theme). In fact, I should not really even be wasting time online. It's hard taking so many business trips back to back. I have such a short term memory when it comes to my love of travel. I love being other places, but I dislike the getting there and getting back. Still, I am rarely one to turn down an exciting trip.

I have been struck lately by how unimportant God/Christianity/Faith/etc. are to a lot of people. They just don't care. A part of me wishes I could be like this, but I am also keenly aware that I don't want the lives of these other people. I want my life and I want it to be the very best it can be. I want to rise above mediocrity.

On another note, I feel like I have seen my man of Macedonia and am being pushed further and further on. I don't know where I am being called or what I am being called to do, but I have a few ideas and am going to work to realize them.

Have a wonderful weekend. I may or may not be away for a few days. I can already picture you at your computer with bated breath, awaiting my next post. Hahahahaha.

Neighbors and Business Trips

I live in a small apartment complex. It contains a mixture of students and "grown-ups" and it's not too shabby. Well, it actually is a bit shabby, but we have made it home. Since I moved in (almost 2 years ago) I have been helping one of my neighbors with random tasks she needs done. I helped install her new big screen tv and removed one of the screens from the window she was washing. I've also helped program wireless phones and other odd jobs. I have another neighbor named Georgia* and she is pretty much bedridden. She does get around her apartment, but she is not really able to leave it. The neighbor who I do favors for, Dottie* spends a lot of time with Georgia and they are pretty good friends. The other day Dottie asked for my help in getting a new tv for Georgia. We went to Sears and bought the tv and a new DVD/VCR combo. I got it in alright, but am having major complications getting everything to work correctly. I hope to have the issue resolved by the end of the weekend. Anyway, before setting up the tv, I had never entered Georgia's apartment. In fact, I didn't even know her. I did move her paper closer to the door one day so that she could get to it, but she didn't see me so there was no interaction. I have found she is a wonderful person. After helping set up the tv she wrote me a lovely note. Through our brief discussions so far I have found out that she was raised in the city and highly educated. She lamented the fact that she had to write down the instructions on how to control all of her new devices so that she would not forget, yet she could recite Chaucer from memory. She was also an avid golfer for years and played weekly at a local course in town. The banter between Georgia and Dottie is equal parts hilarious, morbid, and witty. I am so glad I know my neighbors. It's a shame there are so many more I don't know.

My business trip went well. There was lots of bonding and it was a great chance to get away. I even went to Branson. It's not anything terribly exciting. Being back in the business world made me remember how central alcohol is to so many peoples' lives. I grew up in a home with parents who did not drink at all (ironically they started last Christmas) but I never thought it was wrong. In fact, I started to drink after I turned 21. However, it is not necessary for me to have a good time and I have only buzzed once (on accident). I don't ever plan on being drunk and don't really see the appeal. Still, for many others it is an "elixir of life". It frustrates me and being the designated driver two nights in a row was not too fun.

I was also slightly appalled at all the meaningless conversation going on, not that I don't mind it from time to time. Still, talking about TMZ and Louis Vuitton gets very old, very quickly. I long to discuss theology, NGO's, social work, global poverty, views of heaven and hell, the latest NY times article by Paul Krugman, or anything else that requires thought! I don't want to be pretentious, but I do enjoy venturing out of the shallow end of the thought pool.

I have much more to say about recent happenings in my life, but I will post again later. I will be traveling again next week, and the week after. During a three week period I will have only spent 3 days in the office. It's crazy. A trip out west (Colorado) may be in the future soon as well.

Good night.

The Purge

Two posts in one day...I really need a life!

So, I am all packed for my business trip. Let's just say I am banking on the hotel having an iron because my business casual attire is going to get mighty wrinkly.

Today was a great day. I got to get a lot of things done that have been on my mind. I called my grandparents, visited with some neighbors, and tidied up the house. I also cleared off quite a few shows from the DVR. As you know, a cluttered DVR is a cluttered mind. While organizing my life (exercising control over my small dominion) I decided I was going to work harder towards being the person I want to be. I suppose this was inspired quite a bit by Jay's post, but it has been on my mind for quite awhile. I have grown light years from the guy I was freshman year, but I have a lot more growing to do. The first major change is what I call "the purge". I am going to declutter my life and get rid of all the unnecessary stuff I have. It's time to take inventory of what I have and get rid of what I don't need. It's time to see where my money is going and be a better steward of my resources.

Here are my 5 phases:

1) Closets (casual and dress/shoe)
2) Under the bed
3) Desk, Dresser, TV Cart
4) Kitchen
5) Bookcase/Magazine Collection

I am also working on developing other goals. I have started running again and it is a great way to relieve stress. I also plan on getting closer to my grandparents. I am ashamed at how distant we are. Additionally, I plan on investing more in people/relationships. I am going to make a difference and I am going to ensure the people that mean a lot to me know they mean a lot to me.

Title Change

Well, I decided to change the title of this blog. It now matches my URL and will better reflect my future posts. I will still document thoughts and concerns while "working through the paradigm shift" but there are also a lot of other things on my mind. All will require me to think, reason, question, and to pray.

I must thank Sara Groves for inspiring the title.

Crazy Weekend

Nothing much to say here. I am in a very good mood and excited about all that is happening this weekend. I am staying in tonight to get a bunch of stuff done, but come tomorrow it will be madness! I have a ton of stuff to do before I go out of town on Monday.

I have retired the three titles I was working through and will resume them after I finish the one I am currently reading.

My glasses are bent or something and it is irritating me! I will have to get them fixed/replaced ASAP.

My car is making a funny noise. I hope it is not the brakes. I don't want to spend money on repairs. I am saving money for an iMac. I am debating between the 20 and 24 inch. Any thoughts?

Peace, love, and sassy sour Jelly Bellys.

Generalizations and Elevator Small Talk

I know I have been posting a lot lately, but I will be taking a forced reprieve next week as I will be out of town.

It has come to my attention that I am a horrible "generalizer". I don't know if that is actually a word. For instance, several posts ago I made a comment about how I didn't even know what convictions I had that were actually my own. That's kind of a lie. I have A LOT of convictions that are my own. They differ vastly from my parents and peers. These convictions may change in the future, but they are what I feel at this particular time. I have unfortunately come to realize that many of these are "liberal" when for a long time I thought of myself as "conservative". For example, I FIRMLY believe that abortion should NOT be illegal. Check out this. However, I don't think abortion is the way to go and I would do everything in my power to support a friend (emotionally, financially, logistically) who is afraid she could not support her baby. I am pretty sure pregnant women don't make the decision to abort their babies on a whim!

Another recent pet peeve of mine is the belief that only a Christian should be the President of the United States. Religious beliefs should be left out of the political arena. If you recall, most of our founding fathers were not Christian in the today's sense of the word. Profession of faith does not equal competency...

I am also extremely egalitarian when it comes to gender roles. I believe women can be preachers and pastors of churches. I don't think men are automatically more adept at preaching or sensing the Holy Spirit than women. I also don't think that mothers are supposed to be the domesticated ones who raise the children and clean the house. Above all, I don't think that two same-gender parents are automatically worse than two different gendered parents. I guess what I mean is that a man and woman who are married are not automatically better parents than a same-gender couple just because they are male and female. Having said that, it IS vital for every child to have very close male and female role models. I think that is obvious. If (big if) I have a partner in the future and we have a child, I will be sure to ensure there are women VERY involved in his/her life. It may be an aunt, grandmother, close friend, but they will be present.

I know this was a bit ranty, forgive me.

Everyone knows how awkward elevators are. You are enclosed in a small space with strangers for 1 or more minutes. What are you supposed to do? Any conversation would be forced, right? It's not like I would really talk to this person if we weren't in the elevator together. I don't want to seem "off" or "overly-friendly (euphemism for "off"). Thankfully small talk can be averted by simply avoiding eye-contact and not acknowledging the existence of your fellow passenger. This worked fine at my old job. Unfortunately, the new building I am in is extra-classy and the elevators are mirrored! I can't ignore the other person riding with me. I can see them no matter where I divert my eyes! What am I to do? I will let you know how I resolve this crisis as the weeks progress. So far I have tried both ignoring and engaging in conversation. Both have been slightly awkward.

Work

I have to say, I have been much more relaxed today than I have been in the past four weeks. The anxiety is fading. I think a part of it might actually have been allergy related (I know that probably sounds random, but I realized that this is the time of year I have breathing difficulties triggered by allergies). That was a complete misuse of parenthesis.

This post will be all over the place. I don't know why I feel it is important for me to warn you. I am not forcing to you to read this.

Stigma. It's a bitch. It keeps people from talking about things that really matter. What I am referring to today is mental illness. I have a quite a few friends that are on medication for a variety of illnesses (anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder) and I feel sorry for them. They (well, most of them) keep this a complete secret. It's their secret shame. Even I find myself automatically distancing myself from those who have struggled with depression. They might be crazy! What's so sad is that I went through a bout of depression for a period of time in my life. Still, I am hesitant to ever mention it lest people think I am still depressed or a weak human being. Pride gets in the way of a lot of healing and prevents a lot of love from coming into our lives. What a shame!

I have a business trip next week! It's just one state over and it's in the middle of nowhere, but I still get to have a change of scenery. Also, I had something to do today which made me very happy. Boredom is evil. I am programmed to work. I have to get things accomplished! It really brightens your whole day.

Every so often it rains while the sun is shining. My mother calls it "liquid sunshine" because that's what they called it in Hawaii where she grew up. It's quite fitting.

I am buying a new computer. I am going to pay cash. It's going to be shiny, and fast, and I can get Skype! Hooray!

Well, it's time for me to do some laundry, tidy the room, and take the brownies out of the oven!

Peace sure is lovely.

Tension is to be Loved?

Wow, I had an idea for this post, but it was far too "teen-angsty" and I have too much self-respect.

I guess I will just share what has been on my mind lately.

Friday night my roommate/best-friend and I had a talk about homosexuality. We were both very candid and it was refreshing to be honest. This is the first time that I have had to defend my beliefs about homosexuality (though I am still in the process of working them out myself). He knows about all of my doubt and my spiritual dry-spell. He was going through something similar, but it has apparently been resolved because he felt he was struggling with sin while distancing himself from God this past week. Anyway, I told him about the different scriptures and we had a lengthy discussion about Romans (the only one that I really feel has any merit). We ended up segueing into a discussion about marriage. I have to say, the biggest argument I find against homosexual sex is the fact that marriage is emphasized so much in the bible. Of course, being in the South/Bible-belt, marriage is exalted to an almost divine status. It is like the be-all, end-all of life on earth. All households should be ruled by Godly men who are supported by Godly women, of course, they are equals in this. Sorry for the tangent. When it comes to marriage I definitely think the government should butt out and that the civil unions should be granted for all couples (gay and straight). If you want to be married (before God) then you should find a church (affirming if you a gay couple, I guess) and get married there. I suppose after that marriage you can have sex. Now, after laying all of that out I find it a bit ridiculous. I guess that's because I can't see myself marrying a guy. However, I also don't necessarily see myself single the rest of my life. I don't know where that leaves me.

During the course of the conversation he asked me if I wasn't just justifying homosexuality (I suppose we were using homosexuality to mean homosexual sex, old habits die hard) and I don't remember my response. I did acknowledge my bias and he acknowledged his. I did make a mistake by giving him a book to read (I forgot how wacky some parts were). It apparently disturbed him greatly.

Wow, the above story did not really have a point, I just wanted to share. It was just very frustrating and confusing and it made me upset that I am in the situation I am in. I know I say that I am ambivalent about being gay, but there is some residual bitterness. Oh yeah, during the course of the conversation my friend brought up Joe Dallas twice. While I don't know enough about his books to form an opinion, I don't think my story even compares to his. He had quite a promiscuous life and if I am I correct, still admits that he is attracted to guys. I absolutely agree that behavior can change, I am just not sure about orientation.

This post is pretty much pointless. I had so much to say. Maybe I will start to write some things out. My roommate did tell me that I need to relax more and maybe take a break from reading. He says my mind is not resting. I wholeheartedly agree.

Tension is to be loved when it is like a passing note to a beautiful, beautiful chord.

Joys of Rediscovering Something Forgotten

First off, thank you for the concerns about my health. I may have been too melodramatic. I am 99% certain that it is just anxiety. "Chest pain" was definitely too grave a term to use. I am feeling better right now. I don't take potential heart issues lightly. If I feel it is a real illness I will definitely seek treatment.

My title today alludes to the album "Hope and Fear" by Keane. I recently rediscovered it. I forgot how much I love it.

A friend came into town today and we had dinner. She, my best friend, and I form a friendship triangle. Well, we used to. Sadly, one member of the triangle has been downgraded to "close friend" from "best friend". For awhile we were a powerful triad. Sadly, I am left with only one "best friend" at this point in time. However, friendships must evolve. I feel so scientific in my friend ranking, haha.

I don't quite know why I am so anxious. It's definitely related to my questioning of things. I look back and remember how strong my faith was and how tangible God felt. I still pray every night, and definitely don't deny the existence of God. I just have a bunch of questions. I know I can't look back to where I was for comfort. Living in the past is not an option. You can't be an Israelite lost in the desert crying for the days when you were a slave. How ignorant and short-sighted!

My change of heart with the Bible came from two places. First, I missed reading it. It had become a nightly ritual. Also, we went over Esther in my OT class, and it is absolutely one of my favorite stories of all time. If you can't appreciate a narrative like that, I sincerely question your taste in literature.

Nothing Much To Say (2)

I will spare you another long-winded post. Instead I will just give you some highlights of random happenings in my life.

- My mother friended me on Facebook. What is this world coming to? I mean, seriously? Apparently one of her friends invited her to join and she wants to keep up with my brother's adventures abroad (he is chronicling via Facebook). I accepted, but not before telling her it was not a decision I made easily, haha.

- I have a really weird tightness in my chest. I hope it's not a medical condition. It may be stress from a lot of random stuff on my mind, but I don't feel stressed. I hope it goes away soon. I have only had chest pain once before and that was during the busiest time of my college career when I was trying to plan a major event.

- My OT class wrapped up tonight. Maybe that's where all the tension is coming from. I enjoy the class, but always feel uptight because I perceive everyone there is very "anti-gay". However, I am probably making this up. Still, the leader did mention that we need to be in prayer for the nation based on the recent court rulings about marriage. However, this same leader did not mention homosexuality at all when we covered Sodom and Gomorrah, so that made me happy. FYI, I still don't really know how I feel about "gay marriage". I know I don't think the government should even be marrying people. There needs to be a civil marriage system put in place. I may go into more details later.

- I am desperately behind in my "to do" list. I have a lot of letters and a few e-mails to write in addition to a lot of cleaning.

- The bible and I are back on good terms. I really do love it and find it an excellent read.

- I have late, late onset buyer's remorse for all of the things I have charged over the past 6 months. It will take at least 3 months to pay off all my credit card debt. I am sad.

Good night.

Ambivalence and Other Thoughts

Greetings. I am going to warn you that this will be a very long post. I have all of these blog ideas welling up inside of me, most likely because I am banned from blogging at work and it makes me think about it all the time.

Let me start with something trivial. I love Goldfish (the snack cracker)! I buy them all the time. However, for the past six months I have had a problem. You see, they introduced these whole grain Goldfish and being the yuppie I am, I decided I must buy them to be "healthy". Anyway, they taste different than the non-whole grain kind and I am always thrown off by the taste. I tell myself that I will not buy them again. When I go to the store the next time I switch back to the regular kind, only to realize that they taste funny since my taste buds have adjusted to the whole-grain kind. It's a vicious cycle. Goldfish never taste right!

Last night my roommate and I had a 3-4 hour chat about life, faith, God, etc. It was excellent. However, we came away with no answers. We both still believe in God, but have some major questions and serious concerns with some stuff in the bible. He had mentioned he was concerned about the never ending translation of it and the fact that you can read so many different versions that can seem to have very different meanings of the same passages. I mentioned that everyone seems to think the bible fell down from Heaven, when in fact it was written by human beings. He thinks there should have been a preface to the bible or at least an "about the author" section written to clear up all the confusion. Haha, it was an amazing conversation. I will post more about faith and things in the near future, I suppose.

Theology is one HIDEOUSLY complex field. I did not realize how many viewspoints/ideas there are about EVERYTHING when it comes to faith. It's a freakin' buffet! Maybe I will just convert to Kabbalah, it combines the fun parts of Judiasm with magic! Haha, that's definitely a paraphrase from 30 Rock.

Also FYI, the Bible and I have had a falling out recently. We are taking some time apart. I have been reading diligently for the past 3 months, but stopped last week. I was becoming too overwhelmed. I find reading the Bible is one of the most dangerous things a Christian can do who wants to maintain his faith (tongue-in-cheek). Also, I have to confess that I am still floating on an ocean of doubt. My faith in its current state is terribly heretical, and a part of me wonders if my salvation is at stake. Of course, that is a very long story for another day.

What I wanted to talk about today was where I stand on homosexuality at this point in time. A part of me almost wishes I was still battling it, for I would not have opened this Pandora's box of doubt otherwise.

Let me start by saying that I have never really viewed homosexuality as immoral. Of course, this is because I knew I was attracted to guys for a very long time and was therefore biased.

Something that has bothered me for a long time is the question of why? At one point I thought that this was some punishment from God because if I was straight, my life would be perfect. I thought God was not going to allow me to "have my cake and eat it too". As you hopefully observe, I have grown up tremendously since then. What bothered me is that I have a great relationship with my parents, was never abused, and didn't choose the orientation. Growing up in a conservative Christian home, I was obviously told these were the reasons people were gay. I even told someone a couple of years ago that I thought I was gay, but couldn't be because I didn't have these factors. My parents have always been amazing. My father and mother both played a major role in raising me, and I don't feel like my father was absent in my "formative years". In fact, we were always all involved in church functions and my dad was a leader in Royal Rangers. Also, my mom stayed at home, but was certainly not over-bearing. We do get along splendidly, but I don't consider myself a "Momma's Boy" in the negative sense of the word. Plus, I know a lot of "Momma's Boys" who are most definitely straight, so that theory was thrown out the window. Sexual abuse also never played a role in my life. I am very thankful for this. I do know others who have been abused and I am amazed at their strength. I then thought that I must have just not related well to other boys or must have had some traumatizing event with a girl that made me this way. Thinking back I had best friends that were guys until middle school. I also had really great friends that were girls. I did go through a rough "break-up" with Kelly in the 6th grade, but I don't think that traumatized me. In fact, I also remember having a bit of a crush on a male classmate in 6th grade. Middle school was definitely rough, but it's rough for everyone. I was teased, but never bullied or physically harmed in anyway. I did not have any guy friends in middle school, but my class also had 5 guys total (7th and 8th grade). This did not really afford an opportunity for guy friends. My church youth group also lacked males that were qualified candidates for friends. In high school I really "blossomed". I was very popular (in the good kids group). I got three senior superlatives, was in a ton of clubs, and ended up yearbook editor. Most of my friends continued to be girls, but I also had some guy friends and quite a few Halo LAN parties at the house. Good times indeed.

I will break this into two paragraphs to ease the reading. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't know why I am attracted to guys. I don't feel effeminate, and I don't feel emasculated around other guys. I will acknowledge that I don't get along as well with most "jock" type guys as I do others, but that is because we have very little in common. I don't really care to talk about sex, sports, and drinking. However, I can definitely hold a conversation about videogames and tech stuff. Overall, I do feel different from some guys, but I still feel masculine. I am very proud of my personality and am happy with myself (it's taken some time to get to this point). I must add that I pretty much LOATHE sports. Feigning interest in sports talk is the bane of my existence (besides ironing my work clothes).

Wow, sorry for all of this word vomit. I just want to conclude that I am currently ambivalent about my "gayness". There are definitely still times when I try to convince myself I could fall for a girl, but then a cute guy walks by and screws up the self-delusion. Still, it's not a big deal anymore. I have given up thinking it is some cosmic injustice. I was just perceiving it as such because it was an "injustice" that negatively impacted me. I cared little about the injustice of my money*, job, intelligence, family, and opportunity.

I have so, so much more to say about so many things. Alas, this post is entirely too long and I have a ton of stuff to accomplish tonight.

*Just so you know, I currently have a severely negative net worth. I said "money" to refer to the relative wealth I possess compared to the overwhelming majority of the world's population.

Opportunities and the Future

This may be one of those "deep" posts I've been meaning to write, or it may not. We will see.

I have to say, I really can't complain about anything. Sure there are things I could whine about, but overall life continues to go on quite well. I definitely want more out of it, and am caught in a nasty habit of making too many future plans (house hunting, graduate school, savings, etc.) but it's okay.

Opportunities have been arising that have allowed me to demonstrate Christ-like love in the past few days. A good friend of mine just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship, and an older neighbor came down with pneumonia. I met up with the former to talk over coffee (well, green tea) and went to Kroger to buy some Gatorade and Vitamin Water for the latter. Also, two nights ago I got the most bizarre phone call of my life. A girl, who I did not recognize at the time, said she found my number in a book. It was on an index card and she had no recollection of who I was or why my phone number was in the book. Apparently she had been having an emotional night as she was processing a lot that had happened recently. In the book she had written a note to herself and below it was the number. Like I said, this was just quite strange. Anyway, we proceeded to talk and I just asked how her life was (I did finally figure out where we knew each other from). She was obviously a little embarrassed to talk and felt a little crazy for thinking finding my number was a sign to call. Still, we talked and the conversation was good. She had just come out of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship and had gone through a long period of feeling worthless and being ready to give up on life. I could definitely relate to the latter and we had an honest conversation about life and the future and God (though only mentioned slightly). I have to say, I left the conversation slightly annoyed. Annoyed at how persistent God is. I am trying my hardest to find Him on my own terms, but he does not seem to want to play that way. Also, it struck me how easy it is to love when you start caring about more than just yourself.

I have been reading a book lately (well, LOTS of books) and the author mentioned how he thought all gay Christians have to go through a period of atheism, it's healthy (well, maybe I just added the "healthy" part in my head). I was caught off-guard by his flippancy in the matter. While I will not say I am/was an atheist during my recent low-tide of faith, I definitely identified as agnostic. Of course, I still identify as agnostic, but really, aren't labels absurd anyway?

Ok, I know this is long, but bare with me. The last part of this post is about something that has been on my mind for quite sometime.

I know I have a hard time living completely in the present and letting tomorrow worry about tomorrow, so this will sort of address that problem. Singleness is working out for me, I enjoy it. However, I can only see myself as single for a finite period of time when I gaze into my mental crystal ball. I see myself in a relationship at some point in the future. I imagine it will be with a guy, since I don't foresee my sexuality changing. Anyhow, what irritates me is that most people assume that homosexual relationships are about sex. That is not what I am after, I have survived this long without sex. Also, if I wanted sex I could easily get it. I want long term intimacy with someone. A relationship like my grandparents have (they are certainly not together because of sex). Also, I guess I will be frank here and say that I am not really comfortable with the idea of sex with a guy at this point in time. Of course, please don't take that to mean I am not horny. There are definitely times when I think my inhibitions about sex could easily be overcome. What I am saying is that I would be hesitant to enter a relationship on the condition it will forever be non-sexual, only to end up really wanting sex after being together for years. Wow, I know this entire monologue is riddled with hypotheticals. Overall, I guess I am saying it would be nice to have my first date (essentially) and first kiss. It would be nice to date someone I really cared about. It would be nice to grow old with someone.

I guess for now I will continue to enjoy the pretty much fabulous life I currently live. I will strive to love, serve, and bless others. I will love justice and mercy while walking humbly (or trying to at least). Along the way I will continue to meet a beautiful cast of characters and travel the world (I have been unbelievably fortunate in my opportunities to travel).

This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful.

"Epiphany-lite"

Hello Internet!

I must say, this time of doubt has proven quite taxing, but has far from demolished my faith. In fact, it is making my faith worth having. I have come to the realization that doubt must exist in order to have faith. It's okay. I am also learning to live with unknowledge. Life is perplexing. Truth is elusive. Objectivity does not really exist. I cannot have all the answers I want. I must choose to move forward.

Here is a statement about faith that I found quite accurate: "In a sense a person keeps finding faith and then becoming frustrated with it and in a sense losing it, and then finding a better version of it, and so on --something like a software upgrade."

My version 2.0 is going to look very different than what I currently run. Right now I am just experiencing some downtime before rebooting. Thank you for allowing me to carry the metaphor too far.

I know I keep saying I will post something meaty or philosophical, but I have not really taken the time to sit down and flesh out my thoughts. Maybe soon, maybe not. I have other pressing matters to attend to. There are books to read, papers to write, apartments to clean, and Wii games to beat! Plus, my social calendar is quite full.

My new job is great. I love my co-workers and will get to do some traveling in the very near future. It's no place exotic, but changes in scenery are always appreciated. Hopefully I will be going to Toronto (slightly exotic) later this fall.

Please enjoy the photo below:

This is a great diner in town. It makes me hungry. Time for a turkey and spinach sandwich. Goodnight.

New Job

I start my full-time job tomorrow. I can't wait. It's terribly exciting. How I love being young and not yet jaded by work.