Opportunities and the Future

This may be one of those "deep" posts I've been meaning to write, or it may not. We will see.

I have to say, I really can't complain about anything. Sure there are things I could whine about, but overall life continues to go on quite well. I definitely want more out of it, and am caught in a nasty habit of making too many future plans (house hunting, graduate school, savings, etc.) but it's okay.

Opportunities have been arising that have allowed me to demonstrate Christ-like love in the past few days. A good friend of mine just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship, and an older neighbor came down with pneumonia. I met up with the former to talk over coffee (well, green tea) and went to Kroger to buy some Gatorade and Vitamin Water for the latter. Also, two nights ago I got the most bizarre phone call of my life. A girl, who I did not recognize at the time, said she found my number in a book. It was on an index card and she had no recollection of who I was or why my phone number was in the book. Apparently she had been having an emotional night as she was processing a lot that had happened recently. In the book she had written a note to herself and below it was the number. Like I said, this was just quite strange. Anyway, we proceeded to talk and I just asked how her life was (I did finally figure out where we knew each other from). She was obviously a little embarrassed to talk and felt a little crazy for thinking finding my number was a sign to call. Still, we talked and the conversation was good. She had just come out of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship and had gone through a long period of feeling worthless and being ready to give up on life. I could definitely relate to the latter and we had an honest conversation about life and the future and God (though only mentioned slightly). I have to say, I left the conversation slightly annoyed. Annoyed at how persistent God is. I am trying my hardest to find Him on my own terms, but he does not seem to want to play that way. Also, it struck me how easy it is to love when you start caring about more than just yourself.

I have been reading a book lately (well, LOTS of books) and the author mentioned how he thought all gay Christians have to go through a period of atheism, it's healthy (well, maybe I just added the "healthy" part in my head). I was caught off-guard by his flippancy in the matter. While I will not say I am/was an atheist during my recent low-tide of faith, I definitely identified as agnostic. Of course, I still identify as agnostic, but really, aren't labels absurd anyway?

Ok, I know this is long, but bare with me. The last part of this post is about something that has been on my mind for quite sometime.

I know I have a hard time living completely in the present and letting tomorrow worry about tomorrow, so this will sort of address that problem. Singleness is working out for me, I enjoy it. However, I can only see myself as single for a finite period of time when I gaze into my mental crystal ball. I see myself in a relationship at some point in the future. I imagine it will be with a guy, since I don't foresee my sexuality changing. Anyhow, what irritates me is that most people assume that homosexual relationships are about sex. That is not what I am after, I have survived this long without sex. Also, if I wanted sex I could easily get it. I want long term intimacy with someone. A relationship like my grandparents have (they are certainly not together because of sex). Also, I guess I will be frank here and say that I am not really comfortable with the idea of sex with a guy at this point in time. Of course, please don't take that to mean I am not horny. There are definitely times when I think my inhibitions about sex could easily be overcome. What I am saying is that I would be hesitant to enter a relationship on the condition it will forever be non-sexual, only to end up really wanting sex after being together for years. Wow, I know this entire monologue is riddled with hypotheticals. Overall, I guess I am saying it would be nice to have my first date (essentially) and first kiss. It would be nice to date someone I really cared about. It would be nice to grow old with someone.

I guess for now I will continue to enjoy the pretty much fabulous life I currently live. I will strive to love, serve, and bless others. I will love justice and mercy while walking humbly (or trying to at least). Along the way I will continue to meet a beautiful cast of characters and travel the world (I have been unbelievably fortunate in my opportunities to travel).

This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful.