Faith

I am going to be leave you with a rather weighty post for the week. I will return next weekend.

Tonight a friend came over and we watched Toy Story. I forgot how hilarious it was. I also forgot how much I love the score. I'm a big Newman (Randy, Thomas, and David) fan. In fact, for my 15th birthday I went to see Randy Newman in concert. It's true that I have the soul of a 40+ year old.

Anyway, Buzz Lightyear is an amazing character. He gets dropped into this world completely believing that he is a Space Ranger. He believes he can fly and speaks with strong conviction and authority about his quest and purpose in life. It's only towards the end of the movie that his world comes crashing down, what he believed his purpose to be was completely false. After a brief period of insanity and confusion, he realizes a new purpose more important than the one before.

As you know, I have questioned my faith many times. I have dabbled in atheism, but keep coming back to Christianity. It's an inclination. However, this time it is not as easy as before. I realize that every time I come back it is still with a pocket full of doubt and this time I am determined to conquer some of it.

I have never shared my faith with anyone. I have also never been concerned for the souls of my non-Christian friends. One of my best friends is Hindu and the other Sikh (not practicing). Oh yeah, another is Muslim. I suppose I have never been able to evangelize because I have never been able to believe. Telling someone about Adam and Eve, the Book of Joshua, the Great Flood, are all things that don't sit well with me. Right now I don't even believe in a three-tiered heaven, earth, hell system. I don't even believe in the "fire and brimstone" hell that is so pervasive in evangelical culture. If anything I believe in Sheol. I'm also not really sure I believe in immortality. It does seem a bit far-fetched, doesn't it?

I had a great conversation with my parents this afternoon. We still don't talk about gay related themes that often, and I have not shared the depths of this crisis of faith with them. Still, my father told me today that I should enjoy life and that life should not be miserable, despite the mentality of many Christians today. I definitely agree, Jesus did not come to make you trade in your joy for martyrdom. Right now it feels like I am watching my life go by, a silent observer to the passing hours. This is not 24/7, but it is somewhat frequent.

Today at communion I had a difficult choice. Like last month, I was unsure of whether to take part. I had at first decided not too because I felt like it would be a lie. However, I closed my eyes and decided to take the sum of my experience and knowledge and decide whether to proceed. I pictured a scale in my mind. On the left was faith and the right doubt. In this mental picture faith won out, but just barely. I decided to take Communion. Peer pressure sadly factored in too.

I am going to be very honest and say that I feel like I have seen God move in my life and I even feel like I have heard God speaking to me. I know this may sound crazy, and I feel silly even mentioning it, but it is one of the major things that has kept my faith intact. Maybe it wasn't God, maybe it was my subconscious working to avert my self-destruction. All I know is that despite evidence to the contrary, I still believe there is more to life. I also know that my new faith is going to be a hell of a lot less orthodoxy and instead a lot more orthopraxy.

I have much more to say, and it will come later. I was going to read a Tillich book this week, but I have decided to bump it back another week as I snack on some Catholic mysticism. May I remind you once again of my new found respect for Catholicism and Judiasm?

Okay, it's time for me to leave. This is a mess of a post, but I hope you enjoy reading it.

Oh yeah, many of these thoughts have been shaped by some books I have recently read. Reading sure does cause a lot of thought.

Overall, I am well. I know I will look back on this time as imperative to my growth as a human being and person of faith. In the meantime I'm just Travelin' Thru.