Wow, I had an idea for this post, but it was far too "teen-angsty" and I have too much self-respect.
I guess I will just share what has been on my mind lately.
Friday night my roommate/best-friend and I had a talk about homosexuality. We were both very candid and it was refreshing to be honest. This is the first time that I have had to defend my beliefs about homosexuality (though I am still in the process of working them out myself). He knows about all of my doubt and my spiritual dry-spell. He was going through something similar, but it has apparently been resolved because he felt he was struggling with sin while distancing himself from God this past week. Anyway, I told him about the different scriptures and we had a lengthy discussion about Romans (the only one that I really feel has any merit). We ended up segueing into a discussion about marriage. I have to say, the biggest argument I find against homosexual sex is the fact that marriage is emphasized so much in the bible. Of course, being in the South/Bible-belt, marriage is exalted to an almost divine status. It is like the be-all, end-all of life on earth. All households should be ruled by Godly men who are supported by Godly women, of course, they are equals in this. Sorry for the tangent. When it comes to marriage I definitely think the government should butt out and that the civil unions should be granted for all couples (gay and straight). If you want to be married (before God) then you should find a church (affirming if you a gay couple, I guess) and get married there. I suppose after that marriage you can have sex. Now, after laying all of that out I find it a bit ridiculous. I guess that's because I can't see myself marrying a guy. However, I also don't necessarily see myself single the rest of my life. I don't know where that leaves me.
During the course of the conversation he asked me if I wasn't just justifying homosexuality (I suppose we were using homosexuality to mean homosexual sex, old habits die hard) and I don't remember my response. I did acknowledge my bias and he acknowledged his. I did make a mistake by giving him a book to read (I forgot how wacky some parts were). It apparently disturbed him greatly.
Wow, the above story did not really have a point, I just wanted to share. It was just very frustrating and confusing and it made me upset that I am in the situation I am in. I know I say that I am ambivalent about being gay, but there is some residual bitterness. Oh yeah, during the course of the conversation my friend brought up Joe Dallas twice. While I don't know enough about his books to form an opinion, I don't think my story even compares to his. He had quite a promiscuous life and if I am I correct, still admits that he is attracted to guys. I absolutely agree that behavior can change, I am just not sure about orientation.
This post is pretty much pointless. I had so much to say. Maybe I will start to write some things out. My roommate did tell me that I need to relax more and maybe take a break from reading. He says my mind is not resting. I wholeheartedly agree.
Tension is to be loved when it is like a passing note to a beautiful, beautiful chord.
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4 comments:
You friend told you to take a break from reading... I've tried taking breaks before, from dwelling on my sexuality. The fact is, there are few ways to take a break from it. It is so much a part of who we are.
You can try by moving to a state of denial, which eventually become untenable.
You can determine that homosexuality is evil, and replace your obsession with it by a new obsession to lead others away from it (this seemed to be the approach recommended by "Setting Captives Free", when I took their online program four years ago, and it means you still get to think a lot about being gay, or others being gay).
Or you can walk this path of coming to peace with yourself. Eventually I think we will learn to accept it, to accept ourselves, and live our lives with peace and contentment.
(PS, I'd love to "hear" the "teen-angsty" version!)
I am just going to take a break from all of my heady reading. I still have two books I want to finish and then I will switch to other topics of interest.
The teen-angsty version will remain securely in my notebook. Haha.
On Joe Dallas, not only are his arguments pitifully weak, but I am not convinced he has ever even been homosexual. He had a very promiscuous past - with both men and women. He himself writes that he has always been attracted to women, but to men as well. Which sounds a little bit bi if you ask me. He also admits to early sexual abuse as a child, which he claims is a part of why he was "gay" (though I don't buy he was gay), and may play some role for some people who do not have predominantly same-sex oriented attractions.
And yes, there are a lot of very wacky pro-gay books. If James Allison or Ralph Blair or someone were to write one, I would feel more comfortable with it I think.
Hope your business trip is going well.
Dallas is also divorced and remarried.
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