The Long Defeat

God and I are having it out, Jacob and the angel style. Depending on the day of the week, I am an atheist, agnostic, or Christian. Over the past few months this has taken a toll on my mood, emotions, and to a certain degree my sanity. The latter is a requirement for any good existentialist ;-)

For a long time I built a false God in my head, a bit of an idol. When I was younger he was a cosmic genie but as I grew older our relationship evolved. Still, I later found Him to be some unjust cosmic being, preventing me from having the one thing I thought I wanted. He was a Creator who messed up and derived some pleasure from my pain. Someone or something that got off on being withholding.

Now I see how wrong I was about this god and I am not certain where that leaves me. What kind of faith do I have? Should I believe the unbelievable? What do I give my heart to?

God is love, or so I am told. It's hard to find that message from the bible sometimes. I truly find reading the bible to be one of the most dangerous things a Christian can do, especially if they subscribe to any form of inerrancy or literalism.

When I care enough, I sometimes want to ask God why? Why do you allow poverty, famine, and suffering? Unfortunately, He might ask me the same question and I would be ashamed at my answer.

Despite my feeling of being lost and my constant fretting about whether I have a courageous enough soul, hope remains. It's rather strange and I don't know where it comes from. Is it God?

My faith has been changing and evolving and throughout I have been forced to throw out (at least for now) many of my previous beliefs. Ironically, I have become more committed to becoming a follower of Christ and it's not easy.

Love is challenging. Love is putting others first. Love and pride cannot occupy the same space. Love is loving yourself. Sometimes this last thing can be the most difficult.

I find it's easy to love people I like: smart, funny, attractive people with similar tastes to mine. However, this is not what love is about. You have to love the outcasts, the oddballs, the loners. The weird kid and the fat kid. The socially awkward and those who annoy you. You can't just write them off and go back to your little clique. They are humans too! For this reason alone you should love them. They have feelings and need love and attention just like you.

Recently I have had the words to a certain song rattling around my head. If you know me at all, you know posting song lyrics is one of the things I hate more than pretty much anything else in the universe. Therefore, I will only post a portion. Think of it as a poem.

"I have joined the long defeat
that falling set in motion
and all my strength and energy
are raindrops in the ocean

so conditioned for the win
to share in victor's stories
but in the place of ambition's din
I have heard of other glories

and I pray for an idea
and a way I cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave

I can't just fight when I think I'll win
that's the end of all belief
and nothing has provoked it more
than a possible defeat"