Honesty (2)

I was very disappointed to realize it was Columbus Day and therefore my Amazon package did not arrive nor did my Netflix DVD's get mailed back.

Humility and vulnerability are two things I struggle with immensely. I don't really know why. Tonight I am going to have a conversation with someone that will require both.

I just realized that my back-up drive has died. Ironic. I guess I will have to replace it this week. Please, if you don't get anything else from this post, please understand that it is VITAL to back up your hard drive. You are a naive idiot if you think nothing can happen to your hard drive. Have you ever seen one? Do you have any clue how fragile they are? Do yourself a favor and start backing up your data (at the very least documents and photos) on a weekly basis. If the day comes that your computer crashes, you will be very thankful.

The real point of this post was to get some of the weight off my mind by posting out here to the Internet.

I no longer consider myself a Christian. I know I have mentioned this before, but I mean it in the sense that I don't believe Jesus came to pay for for our sins, I don't believe in original sin (which is still okay if I convert to Eastern Orthodox), I don't believe in the resurrection or the virgin birth, and I don't believe in the Bible being the word of God.

Now, I know I have a small but diverse group of readers and many things are probably going through your minds. First off, this is an indirect result of me coming out. As you know, I have already tried atheism twice, but can't find contentment in that answer. However, this did not all start because I came out, but coming out did really force me to reexamine my convictions. I do not mean some half-ass reexamination where I watch a DVD or read a book or two to shore up my previously held assumptions, I mean a serious spiritual and intellectual search for truth.

I have not been wronged by the church or Christians. Most of my friends are Christian and I really loved my church. This is not something I announce gleefully or with a sigh of relief. This is not what I wanted to happen at all. I am not falling away to chase after the sinful desires of my heart. In fact, I am beginning to care more about my fellow man than I ever have before. Additionally, I am not going off to live a life of hedonism or get a boyfriend and start having sex all the time. I am still terrified of relationships and the prospect of sex. I am still working to overcome all the shame and hatred and fear of myself I harbored for so long.

This post may make me sound like a mental wreck. However, this is not true. I have honestly (after emerging from my existential crisis) become more happy to be alive than ever before. I look back to the days of depression from years past and wonder how on earth I was ever in such a terrible place.

This blog will not turn into some atheist/agnostic rant or one of rejoicing about throwing off the"shackles" of religion. That has not been what my faith has ever been about. In all honesty, much of my faith was already heretical and had been for a very long time.

There is much more to say, but I will spare you for now. Good night.