Tin Man

I was talking to my best friend the other day and he made an interesting comment. He talked about how hard hearted and unfeeling he has recently become. He can remember a time not long ago when he had a passion for volunteering and for helping those in need, but something has hardened his heart. I told him I felt the exact same thing, but we both agreed we would rather be tin men than scarecrows.

I recently came to realize how cold I have become. It was a gradual process. I moved from finally tapping into my emotions this spring to gradually declining to my current state. It's as if I have a finite amount of emotion to expend, and I used all of it up in a matter of months. I don't really feel any more emotion welling up inside, instead it's just a lot of confusion. So many things have changed that I struggle to keep up. However, some days it is not a problem at all. I suppose it depends on how much time I take out of my day for introspection.

I don't know what I want out of the future, but I don't really want to think about it too much. I have some immediate goals, and a lovely goal of moving overseas for graduate school, but that is about it.

I am a bit weary these days. I have been trying to be better at building community, and it is exhausting. I find I don't have as much time for myself as I would like. I don't know if this is good or bad, it just is.

I will wrap this up with some other things that are on my mind.

Being a grown-up come with a heck of a lot of bills. It is a never ending onslaught. Also, why can't I say no when the magazine people call asking me to renew? I have a year's worth of Time, The Economist, Portfolio, and Business Week. I cannot read them fast enough!

Why, despite my best efforts can I never get to bed by 10:30?

How can my room always be so dusty?

* This is another one of my older posts that I felt a need to publish. I am not quite in the same place now since this was written over a month ago. I will work to give you all a bigger update on my current state in the very near future. Ms. Mills from the last post has helped thaw my heart a bit.