Conviction

So, I have been reading a lot lately and stumbled upon this:

"In other words, we had already taken one giant step toward the contemporary era in which morality is the essence of religion and the term Christian connotes opposition to abortion and gay marriage rather than faith in the incarnation and the redemption-- an era in which having a relationship with Jesus is more important than knowing what he actually did, in which believing in the Bible matters more than knowing what the Bible has to say. More than the forces of secularism, it was this sort of religion that would do religious literacy in."

It is from the book Religious Literacy by Stephen Prothero. I highly recommend it.

As I have been putting myself back together, I have come to realize how few convictions I have that are actually my own. So much of what I believe has been because others have told me what to believe. I find this does not suit me anymore. I am not just talking about issues related to SSA, but to the world in general. I am seeking to understand what I believe and who I am.

As I strive to demonstrate Christian love in my day to day life, I find it exceedingly difficult. It's so hard to love someone who makes you uncomfortable. It's also hard to prevent your pride from getting in the way and causing you to feel that you should pity those you are trying to love. How ridiculous!

I know this post is going everywhere, but please forgive me. Everyday I continue to think, question, reason, and pray about my SSA and what that means for my future. I do see myself with a mate in the future, but I also see myself single. I am also leaning more towards Side A everyday. Ultimately, I must live my life true to myself and to God. He is the only One I am accountable to.

In other news...there is a guy I have a crush on. In fact, I have had a crush on him for 2.5 years! The details are complicated, but I don't want anything more than friendship right now. However, I also don't want to accidentally lead him on (although I get mixed feelings about his interest in me). I am sticking to singleness for the time being, especially since I don't really see a long-term future with the guy. I also am not a fan of dating just to date. If a person I am interested in is not future mate material, I don't pursue. Of course, I don't want to let fear of failure stop me from dating him, yet if we did date and it did not turn out well, I don't know how it would affect our friendship. Hmmm...so confusing! I feel like such a flip-flopper in my decisions! It would be so much easier if I could just get my emotions in line with my head. Haha.

This morning I had a massive presentation for my International Management class. We (my group) presented a proposal to build a for-profit English Language Academy in Xi'an, China. It was very impressive if I do say so myself. If you ever get a chance be sure to visit because it is an incredible city.

Tonight I spent 3 hours working on another group project! This end of the semester thing might just be the death of me. Thankfully graduation is just around the corner. I know this sounds selfish, but I am hoping to get some cash at my graduation party! I am suffering from "brokeness" right now.

Goodnight.